Following the Munich™ AIG 50th Anniversary

As sports journalists throughout Britain tried to make sense of the amazing score line at the Theatre of Dreams, (g)Old Trafford (just outside Manchester), Priceless Uni£ed captain 75k a week, Semi-Intelligent Ryan Giggs has given his honest opinion as to why his team, who hadn’t lost at home this season, capitulated so easily to their long term rivals Manchester City.

” We were just not used to playing in shirts without sponsorship. Ever since I started playing in 1991 we have always had a logo on our kit, be it ‘Sharp’ ‘Vodafone’ or nowadays ‘AIG’. It didn’t feel right just playing for Manchester Uni£ed, my heart wasn’t in it. The players are commodities now, we know we are walking billboards and we feel comfortable with that, all the way to the Leeds in fact. I have talked to the other lads and to be honest they all said the same thing. We felt naked out there today. You can’t throw yourself into tackles if you think are-souls are hanging out of our shoes.”

We think that recent signing, Brazilian wonder-kid, Anderson supported Giggs. Talking to our reporter he said,

”O meu amigo é correto. Eu quis os meus testicals estiveram na demonstração hoje. Os bastardos, o fundo, os arsehole”

Unfortunately our paper does not have access to a Portuguese translator. However one can only assume wonder-kid Anderson was still wondering and clearly not happy about the situation.

On similar lines, 29 year old 120k a week gigantic superstar defender who cost Man U re: a stingy £29.1m, Rio 'cartoon face' Ferdinand, said;

"I agree with Giggsy. We didn’t stand a chance out there today. The boss allowed us to change our underpants at half time. I wore a pair with ‘Barclaycard’ written down the side, i looked amazing in them, whilst Scholesy had a pair sponsored by ‘Toys ‘R’ Us’, he too looked very nice, but not as nice as me. It felt slightly better and I think that reflected in our second half performance but it was too little too late. Do you know that not wearing the ‘AIG’ logo cost us all £30,000 each today. I worked that out at £333 per minute or £5.50 per second. It’s difficult to concentrate on a cross with those kind of figures racing around in your head, or even worse Ronaldo's figure in his underpants, oh the thought, and I don't think he is being paid more than me by the way, I’m the best, I only hope for the clubs sake that they don’t do the same thing in another 50 years time".

Mr Ferdinand thanked our Sports correspondent and told us that he would expect the bill for the 2 minute interview to be settled by early next week. Further he said that he would like it to be known that his, ‘whiter than white smile’ was thanks to ‘Aquadogfresh Extreme clean toothpaste’, and that his close shave was due to, ‘Gill-ette... The best a woMan can get’.

Manchester Airport Warning going out to all Man U re: Supporters heading home! Delays are unavoidable as ten’s of thousands have reportedly flooded the airport in an attempt to beat the traffic and leave Manchester early.

Uni£ed have reportedly put on extra bandwagons to help clear the backlog. A spokesperson from uni£ed said “this is not a problem, we have great new global support, it will be reclaimed through ticket prices next season”.

On a final note, may I take this moment to congratulate both sets of fans for their immaculate behaviour during the minute silence, however I would like to also mention to all Man U re: that the minute silence is now over.