End of the Year Awards: The Snarky's Edition

At the end of every year, there are a ton of lists made of various things: awards, key achievements, Hall of Fame inductions, and the like. These are things that are meant to inspire or capture the imagination. 

This is not one of those lists.

The Snarky's (plural form of the word "snarky", meaning "sarcastic, impertinent, or irreverent in tone", according to Merriam-Webster), are designed to point out the absurdities in the world of sports. They are designed to humiliate, to cause laughter, and most of all, just to show what doofuses some franchises and players can be.

With that in mind, sit back, "get your popcorn ready," and enjoy the show,

Cue dramatic music

Welcome everyone to the first annual Snarky Awards! I'm your host, Jim Neveau, and we are here to honor those in the world of sports who caused us to scratch our heads, thank our deities we aren't like them, and most of all, make us think "what were they thinking?"

The best of these awards is that YOU the fans get to vote on who wins! Results will be published two weeks from today on Dec. 23.

For our first award, we have the "Itchy Trigger Finger Award," an award given to the team (or player) who displayed a "shoot first" attitude toward a bad situation. Here are our nominees:

-The Tampa Bay Lightning, who fired first-year Barry Melrose just 16 games into the regular season. Melrose, who had a record of 5-7-4 when he was let go, had given up a good job at ESPN to take over the ailing franchise, and will soon rejoin the network around New Year's Day.

-The Chicago Blackhawks, who fired Denis Savard just four games into the season. The coach had just led the team to their first victory of the season, and the ink was barely dry on the morning newspapers when the team announced they were firing him and hiring Joel Quenneville as his replacement.

Savard was brought back as a team ambassador on Nov. 13.

-Plaxico Burress, who committed one of the weirdest gun-related crimes ever. Reports have said that he was carrying the gun in his sweatpants, and when it started sliding down his leg, he grabbed at it and accidentally pulled the trigger.

For our second award, we have the "Truthful Nicknames Award." This award is given to the team whose nickname, when applied properly, can accurately describe the kind of season they are having. The nominees are:

-The Phoenix Suns, for the phrase "the Suns are setting." With the team's poor start to the season and star Amare Stoudemire grousing about the team's style of play publicly, the reign of run-and-gun in the West's hottest city may be over.

-The Colorado Rockies, for the phrase "these are Rocky times for last year's N.L. champs." With injuries to key players like Troy Tulowitzki, the Rockies went from the class of the National League to the obscurity from which they came.

-The Oklahoma City Thunder, for the phrase "Oklahoma City: All lightning, no Thunder." Not only did the franchise rip the heart out of the city of Seattle by breaking promises and splitting town, but they also remain one of the league's worst teams.

For our third award, we have the "Laurence Maroney Award," given to the player who most destroyed his fantasy football owners' chances this season. The nominees are:

-Tom Brady, who got to play about eight minutes of the 2008 season, thus destroying teams across the fantasy spectrum (including mine).

-Chad Johnson, who changed his name, and changed his game from "good" to "worthless" faster than Dennis Rodman used to change his hair color.

-Derek Anderson, who got a concussion in Week One and caused many teams to scramble for help when his game never returned.

-Carson Palmer, whose days in the Queen City may be numbered. With teammates like Ocho Cinco, who needs enemies?

-Other: This category is designed to let you, the fans, tell your horror stories, and basically let us all feel sorry for you.

For our fourth award, we have the "Sidd Finch Award," an award that is given to the biggest "story" that really ended up being completely meaningless. Here are the nominees:

-Barack Obama hates the BCS! This story was seen in so many places that his quote about feeling "more exposed than Paris Hilton" seem pretty accurate.

-Russia is stealing our hockey players! This story was one of the biggest in the NHL offseason. Will the new "super-league" destroy the NHL? The answer is likely no, as the biggest free-agent signing to jump the pond was a quickly aging Jaromir Jagr.

-Europe is trying to steal all of our NBA players! Josh Childress signed to a European team during the offseason, and Kobe Bryant and LeBron James are allegedly going to get massive offers when they become free agents.

Thus far, Europe remains a place reserved for those who can't cut it in the NBA, and that is unlikely to change for the foreseeable future.

For our fifth award, we have the "Phillips or Flat-Head? Award," which is given to the team or entity who got screwed the worst during the past year.Here are the nominees:

-The Texas Longhorns, who were screwed out of playing for the Big 12 Championship, even though they had beaten eventual champ Oklahoma during the regular season. In fact, when asked by Dan Patrick if he'd rather beat Oklahoma or be the No. 1 team in the country, Colt McCoy said:

"I'd say beat Oklahoma. We have to win that game to get to the Big 12 Championship Game". Whoops!

-The Boise State Broncos, who were rewarded for their undefeated regular season with a Dec. 23 bowl date against TCU, who just so happened to have the second best points allowed average in the country.

This in itself isn't bad, but what's "award worthy" about the bowl bid they received is that it's at the very beginning of the bowl cycle on a Tuesday night, not on New Year's Day like you'd expect for a school that has had an undefeated regular season three of the past five years.

-The entire city of Seattle, who not only have had to endure terrible seasons by the Seahawks and the Mariners, but also lost their NBA franchise, the Sonics, who broke their lease at Key Arena and left for the greener pastures of Oklahoma City.

Also, the University of Washington didn't win a single game, so the city got a quadruple whammy of pain.

The last award is the "Moron of the Year" award, in which we will "honor" that athlete who exhibited the least judgement, or in some other way embarrassed both himself and the team that employs him. The nominees are:

-Sean Avery, who had multiple run-ins with various entities and also called a famous actress "sloppy seconds" and earned himself a six-game suspension and a possible ticket out of town from Dallas.

-Chad Johnson, who demanded a trade in the offseason, then managed to show that he deserved neither the adulation of fans or the notoriety he gained for attempting to legally change his name to Chad Ocho Cinco.

-Plaxico Burress, who got a good new contract and managed to screw it up by missing meetings and shot himself in the leg, which I'm sure you have heard of.

So there you have it. The six awards that will be given out on Dec. 23, and your votes will decide the outcome of the proceedings. Have fun voting, and good luck to your chosen winners!