Handing out New Nicknames to the NFL's Top Players

Sweetness (Walter Payton). Refrigerator (William Perry). Prime Time (Deion Sanders).

A good nickname captures the essence of a player's play. 

A bad nickname is a mix of a lousy first impression, forced pop culture references or just laziness (Red Rocket for Andy Dalton, Matty Ice for Matt Ryan or A.D. for Adrian Peterson).

Nobody gets it right the first time. How about we try a nickname reboot? 

Hear me out. If we like them, keep em. If we don't…go back to what we had down for them already.

Here are some new nicknames for some of the top players in the game today.

Aaron Rodgers: Champ

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers clearly has his sights on the wrestling ring, as he's not afraid to show off the (invisible) championship belt when he's made a big play. 

There's no shame in enjoying the big moment, but his bold attitude may only serve as motivation for those who want to take the belt from him.

Can Rodgers hold onto his belt? At 6-0, all contenders will have to step their game up to get to his level.

Tom Brady: Locks

Some people might assume this nickname for New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is a reflection of his quality late game play (like he displayed on Sunday against the Dallas Cowboys). When the game is up in the air, he locks down the victory.

However, this nickname comes more for the attention Brady constantly receives for his hair/locks. Whether it's long, or short or like teen idol Justin Bieber, the amount of attention his 'do receives is distracting and unnecessary. 

Cam Newton: Macaulay Culkin

With most pursuits, it's better to grow into later success than to see one's peak of success too early. 

Actor Macaulay Culkin learned this in the worst way possible, as the success from the Home Alone films did not parlay into a productive adult acting career. 

Likewise, Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton has had a great career up to this point. In addition to winning the Heisman Trophy while playing at Auburn, Newton began his pro career with two 400-yard passing games, the first time a NFL rookie had done so.

Despite this start, his Carolina Panthers have gone an unsettling 1-5 (and totally messed up my fantasy team on multiple weeks). While it's good to see Newton starting strong, one will wonder how long it will take for him to drop the silly mistakes and turnovers and start winning games.

Drew Brees: Gust

New Orleans Saints quarterback may be a city hero for bringing home a Super Bowl, but his window of opportunity to grab another may gust away.

The Saints, while still talented, now face a level of talent in the NFC they haven't had to go against before (both in and outside their division). It's not getting easier, and Brees is not getting any younger.

Wes Welker: Lil' Mac

New England Patriots wide receiver Wes Welker has taken on competition that outsizes him dramatically on the way to set a frantic receiving pace that could shatter all previous records. However, his play is a clear indicator he won't be ignored. He won't see the single coverage he got used to initially.

Likewise, Lil' Mac, the protagonist of the Nintendo series "Punch-Out!!" steps up from the lower ranks of the boxing circuit at a pace few could imagine. However, this quick ascension means his competition won't be Glass Joe anymore. He's now gotta go up against the King Hippos or the Mike Tysons of the boxing game.

Ryan Fitzpatrick: Fitzy

Nothing special here. Fitzy is fun to say. Just go with it.

Jay Cutler: Mr. Wilson

The playful antics of Dennis the Menace are totally lost on his neighbor Mr. Wilson. 

Likewise, the media world surrounding Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is totally lost on him. Ignoring most of the media coverage, he comes off as a real grouch.

He might be a nice guy, but it's tougher to tell than it should be.

Michael Vick: Face

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick has a knack for becoming the face of almost everything he touches. Whether he fully deserves that acclaim or not is debatable.

Should he be the face of mobile quarterbacking in football (what about Randall Cunningham, Fran Tarkenton or Steve Young)? Should he be the face of American dog fighting (while it may not have been the biggest part of his sentence, that recognition was all on him)? 

Should he be the face of the Eagles struggles in 2011 (the picks he's thrown have been terrible, but can anybody excuse the poor play of his defense)?

Larry Fitzgerald: Genie

Few players can make magical plays on the field quite like Arizona Cardinals wide receiver, so much so one has to wonder if Fitzgerald isn't secretly a genie. Instead of three wishes, his powers grants three catches on otherwise horribly thrown passes. 

Unfortunately for Fitzgerald, the quality of quarterback play has meant that he would need to grant somewhere along the lines of 20 catch/wishes to make up for the skill level of his quarterbacks since Kurt Warner left.

Calvin Johnson: Bailout

Every quarterback needs protection of his most prized asset (read: themselves), and nobody provides that for his quarterback quite like Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson. Throw it into double coverage. Triple coverage. Octuple coverage.

He's too big to fail.

Plaxico Burress: Elephant

This is one of the few nicknames that's less a reflection of New York Jets wide receiver Plaxico Burress and more a nod to our collective reaction to his previous actions.

Whether it's a slow start to the season, or his team taking a shot down the field in his direction, we'll always remember that this guy holstered a gun so sloppily that it went off down his pantleg and eventually cost him two years of his life.

Donovan McNabb: Nice

This nickname is an easy one. No matter what seems to happen or how harsh the criticism thrown his way is, Minnesota Vikings quarterback Donovan McNabb seems to respond with a smile.

He's truly a nice guy.

Strangely enough, McNabb's Vikings are in last place in the NFC North.

Michael Turner: Factory

I'm a huge fan of Atlanta Falcons running back Michael Turner's nickname of Burner. 

However, given that he's led the league in rushing attempts two out of the past three seasons, and in the top five in carries this year, he's shown he's capable of putting out major work in a short amount of time. 

His nickname should be a reflection of that portion of his game.

Devin Hester: Cigarettes

Everyone tells you that you should never do cigarettes. 

But you're feeling bold. You light up. It's so cool...this was a good decision. 

Then you find yourself with nasty looking teeth, a horrible taste in your mouth and having to stand outside in the windy cold. This was not a good decision.

Likewise, conventional wisdom is to punt out of bounds when facing Chicago Bears' return man Devin Hester. 

But your team is feeling feeling bold. "It's alright," they say. Nothing bad will happen from this. 

Then they find themselves watching Hester burn through the coverage for a score. 

This was not a good decision.

Darrelle Revis: Blue Screen

When you see New York Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis on a wide receiver, you have to consider that receiver to be a lost cause for the day.

Likewise, when you get the blue screen, you're most likely not coming back. Shut down your computer, and keep your fingers crossed that everything will work right next time.

(Interesting story only to me: I was playing some pickup football, and I threw an interception to one of the pudgier guys on the other team. Some of the players were calling the guy who made the interception Revis and Revis Island.

I responded, "This guy isn't Revis Island…he's Revis Continent!"

No one laughed.)

Cedric Benson: Monster Truck

It's always cool to see monster trucks like El Toro or Gravedigger in action, but with the sweet ride the drivers also have to account for some major suspension issues if the car goes off course.

Likewise, Cincinnati Bengals running back Cedric Benson is one of the more interesting backs in the league. Some weeks he can drop big numbers (like he did last week versus the Indianapolis Colts), while other weeks he's totally ineffective.

Regardless of his output, his team will have to deal with some major suspension issues when Benson goes off course (like he did several times this offseason).

Peyton Hillis: John Lennon

While Cleveland Browns running back Peyton Hillis has risen in prominence with his tough brand of play, he has taken a hit in credibility with his recent interactions with his agent.

Hillis allegedly decided to sit out a game against the Oakland Raiders after consulting with his agent Kennard McGuire (total Yoko move).

While it's tough to imagine him falling out of favor with the Browns' faithful, Hillis main adviser has not done him any favors for his public perception.

Chris Johnson: Fugitive

Another easy one. In the words of Gus Johnson...Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson is "getting away from the cops speed."

Tim Tebow: Finally

The wait is over for Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, with all signs that he will start in the team's next game against the Miami Dolphins. 

Finally.

Finally the endless debate and protests will be over. Finally I can go through a NFL Sunday without having to be interrupted by an update that he came into the game as a running back or wide receiver.

Let's see how well he can really do...

Carson Palmer: Light

Quarterback Carson Palmer, recently shipped to the Oakland Raiders, will have to quickly get used to the Black Hole and his new team's playbook.

If he can succeed, the spotlight will shine new light on his career after several down seasons in Cincinnati.

However, failure would likely be a major black hole for both Palmer and the Raiders, who traded potentially two first round draft picks to sign him.

Alex Smith: Revenge

After years of wallowing under a carousel of new coaches and coordinators, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Alex Smith is really clicking with new head coach Jim Harbaugh. 

His team is winning games, he's finding his wide receivers and he's limiting his mistakes (only two interceptions after six games).

After years of sharing the conversation with JaMarcus Russell and Ryan Leaf as worst first overall draft pick ever, it appears Smith's play is a sign of major revenge to his critics.

LaGarrette Blount: Steamroller

Given the number of times this word is used to describe Tampa Bay Buccaneers running back LaGarrette Blount, it's only right it becomes his new nickname.

Fred Jackson: Stealth

There's a lot to be said about flying below the radar, and few can do that like Buffalo Bills running back Fred Jackson. 

While he's one of the league's most dynamic offensive weapons, he's far from a household name.

A few more performances like the one he had this Sunday against the New York Giants (over 200 total yards!), and it wouldn't be a surprise to hear his name come up more.