Week 14 Picks in The NFL: You Cannot Be Serious

Week 14 Picks, please only use for wagering purposes.

Jaguars at Bears (-6.5)

The Jags told us last week that they gave up on their season and coach, Jack Del Rio.  People never say the Jags coach, they always say Jack Del Rio because its fun to say and even fun to type.  It’s a cool name and it had to give him some advantages in life.  If his name was Herm Edwards would he be coaching Jacksonville?  No, he would be explaining his team’s loss, inspirationally.

Don’t really like the Bears with Kyle Orton.  What’s the best you can say other than he doesn’t make you pound your fist in disgust as much as Rex Grossman.  But you know, someone has to win this division and the Packers can’t get out of their own way and may be too far back. 

Minnesota may have the Williams addicts suspended, so maybe the Bears win by default.  When you’re thinking about the first weekend of the NFL playoffs and trying to name all the teams in, the Bears will be the one you forget, you’re buddy will look up from his Blackberry in the bar and laugh and say Dude, it’s the Bears, that’s the team we forgot.  A lot of points for a mediocre team, but Florida team in Chicago in December with nothing to play for?  Bears.

Bengals at Colts (-13.5)

Bengals are the Bengals again, that’s comforting with all the change in the last decade or so.  My grandfather didn’t like it when Carson Palmer was scoring 40 points a game, he’s not prejudice, just old fashion like that.

Everyone expects the Colts to win every game, like their four losses mean nothing.  People just love Manning, even people who hate Peyton love him because we’ve all had the Colts and the over several times in the last eight years and he usually comes through or at least makes you feel it wasn’t a bad bet.  Do it again this week, it’ll be fun.  Colts.

Browns at Titans (-14)

Brady Quinn, Derek Anderson, Romeo Crennel, they beat the Giants on MNF, blah, blah.  The Browns still suck, right?  That’s what I thought.

I’m not even sure the Titans won a single game by 14 points this year.  Literally, the worst 10-0 team ever.  But now they have to convince people the Jet game was a fluke so the Browns get to play Lee Harvey Oswald to the Titans.  AKA patsy.  Titans.

Texans at Packers (-6)

Its still hard to convince myself the Texans aren’t an expansion team still and that’s there advantage, plus Steve Slaton going for rookie of the year.  Sage Rosenfeld is what you call a disadvantage.  See how this works?

No one can believe the Packers are 5-7.  "Wow, really, but they’re so good."  Actually, no, they’re 5-7 and find ways to lose.  But don’t say they miss Brett Favre because "Rodgers is awesome!"  That’s what I like about small towns, so easy to brainwash and so little dissent.  Congrats on the amazing last second field goal to win, Go Pack Go.  Take Texans.

Vikings at Lions (+10)

Hard to know what to expect with the Williams addicts er linemen out or on appeal.  They couldn’t have hurt this team more if they went to a nightclub with a gun in their sweatpants.  Like that happens. 

If they are suspended, would it really matter in this game.  Adrian Peterson should break the record for most yards in a game if he plays the fourth quarter.  Vikes don’t lose the NFC North here, that comes later.  It’s more fun that way.  Vikings.

Falcons at Saints (-3.5)

Everyone loves Matt Ryan, everyone except Michael Vick.  It’s not funny to him, not at all.  But people act like Ryan never makes a mistake, he’s Joe Montana except better.  Media hype leads to losses.  Plus, no one can stop Drew Brees at home.  No one.  Saints.

Iggles at Giants (-7)

How come people who act like friends of Plaxico call him Plex.  Is that supposed to be cool, I don’t get it.  Neither do I get wearing sweat pants beyond your driveway.  You know what else is stupid, giving away $35M over 5 years to Plex and Pedroia only gets 40.5 over 6.  Compare those two for a minute.  Then stop and remember that football is way more important than baseball, that’s why.

Everyone hates Reid and McNabb, but they dominated this division for years, but you would never know if you ever spoke to a Giant fan or could tolerate listening to a Cowboy fan.  Well, the upset special will remind them both again, not that they’ll remember.  Eagles.

Jets at Niners (+3.5)

Jets need to get that Denver game past them and luckily they have the Niners to help.  If you’re the 49er’s owner, does Singletary’s antics make you more or less likely to hire him?  Exactly.  Much like Dane Cook’s standup, his act gets old real quick.  Jets.

Dolphins at Bills (-1)

Not that I’m a weather freak, but another Florida team to a place colder than Chicago.  Oh no, they’re playing this in the dome in Toronto?  Well, then Customs makes Ricky Williams very unhappy.  Plus Bills play in front of enthusiastic Canadians who never boo because they’re pacifists.  Yay Bills!

Chiefs at Broncos (-9)

The league needs Herman Edwards like it needs instant replay.  It sounds good in theory but doesn’t work in reality.  But you always think, OK, we got it now, it will work this week.  But no, it doesn’t friggin work, OK?!  But if Herm knows how to do anything, its how to play to lose a close game, he’s the Herman Edwards of that.

Broncos feel good about themselves again with a great win in NJ over the Jets.  Cutler is better than Elway again.  But two weeks ago, you got blown out by the Raiders at home.  Those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it.  Chiefs.

Cowboys at Steelers (-3)

Its hard to pick the Cowboys because of their fans.  But have you ever watched a game in a bar full of Steeler fans?  They’re very underrated on annoyance factor.  So I can’t root for a tie here because as we all know there is no such thing in the NFL.  I have to take the Boys.  Roethlisberger dissed Romo this week, never good. 

The Steelers usually win ugly at home and they’re coach is not great with the clock.  Not that Wade ever outcoached anyone, but TO loves Pennsylvania too much to not give these fans a show.  Cowboys. 

Patriots at Seahawks (+5)

Didn’t you think Seattle was going to play hard for the last season of Holmgren’s career?  Me too.  Didn’t you think Hasselback coming back would make a difference?  Me too.  Its miserable in Seattle now, so hopefully they’re working on a cool new music genre.  We could use it.

Patriots bounce back big after home blow out.  Shocker.  Patriots.

Rams at Cardinals (-14)

Didn’t the Cardinals play in St. Louis?  Didn’t the Rams play in Los Angeles?  Is this a rivalry?  Do the Rams and Cardinals know what rivalries are?  Let’s face it, the Cardinals suck except at home against bad teams.  Oh look, the Cardinals are home against a bad team.  Cardinals.

Redskins at Ravens (-5)

Here’s another local rivalry that never took shape.  How many people outside this area realize that both these teams play in Maryland.  That’s right, freakin Maryland has two NFL teams.  Bring that up at the next Christmas party, people will think you’re interesting.

I think the Ravens are the most overrated team in the National Football League.  The Redskins aren’t great, but they’re plucky, whatever that means.  They need this one bad and the Ravens are under the illusion that it’s 2000.  Its not, by the way.  And Trent Dilfer is not walking through that door.  Redskins.

Buccaneers at Panthers (-3)

Everyone forgets, John Gruden won a Super Bowl.  John Gruden made the Raiders into a perennial winner.  John Gruden makes funny faces on the sidelines that announcers haveto talk about because they’re unimaginative lemmings.  I like this Bucs team and they may even lose the only-team-not-win-in-a-season label this year.  That’s a long label. 

The Bucs got all the karma and the Panthers have Steve Smith.  Seriously, that’s all they have and they win games by just throwing it up to him and he’s very short.  How does this happen all the time?  I think Gruden knows this, because he’s smart.  By the way, did you ever notice the funny faces Gruden makes when he’s coaching.  It’s hilarious.  Bucs.