NFL: An Open Letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

Atlanta, GA 303xx

October 6, 2011

Roger Goodell
Commissioner
National Football League
345 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10154

Dear Mr. Goodell:

Hey man. What’s up? We haven’t been formally introduced. I’m Josh, and I write about the NFL for a living. And I know what you’re wondering, and the answer is yes, it is quite awesome. Before this, I was working as an analyst for a financial services company, and that was fun, but it wasn’t THIS much fun. I’ve had opportunities to interview and meet people that I would not have had otherwise, including a visit to your old offices at 280 Park last summer. You, sadly, were not there to meet me. Your loss, really.

I wanted to ask you about a few developments in pro football right now, some of which are happening by your very hands. You’ve been a very micromanaging pain in the ass engaged executive since you came into power and became commissioner in 2001, and I’m sure you’ll have some interesting remarks for what I’m about to ask you.

Your organization has been catching a lot of heat for the affects of head trauma suffered by former NFL players, and this obviously has shaped some of the policies regarding helmet-to-helmet hits that we’ve been seeing over the last few years. But...did everyone forget that we’re talking about football? Mashing brains is part of the game, and I don’t say that callously. For every “defenseless receiver” ruling that your officials make, the offensive and defensive linemen on your teams take hundreds of snaps with direct helmet-to-helmet contact that go unaddressed.

Furthermore, and this has been a sort of trademark of yours lately, there is no cut-and-dried protocol for how those rules are being enforced. I’ve seen the videos that Carl Johnson and Jeff Fisher have put together and distributed, and most of these “legal” and “illegal” hits look the same to me. And I know stuff! And then there’s James Harrison, who you apparently just like fining and suspending for no apparent reason. I bet you’re mad that he got injured last week.

A lot of people were upset that you decided to suspend Terrelle Pryor for the first five weeks of the season. I was hoping you could take that the other direction and suspend him for the whole season. I’m an Ohio State alum and that guy totally screwed our program. It may be four or five years before we recover from the fallout. I’m no Buckeye apologist, but the way that all went down was pretty shady.

But this brings up a larger point: why the hell do you like enforcing the NCAA’s rules when you have so many of your own? I think you just like rules a lot. Why is that? You must be the one guy on earth that likes playing Monopoly.

I always have to read the rules to figure out how to mortgage properties. Every time! Who do you think would win in a game of Monopoly between Daniel Snyder and Jerry Jones? Daniel Snyder and a six-year-old? Daniel Snyder and a ham sandwich? And could the ham sandwich be the cannon token? Or would he be stuck with the thimble? Man, the thimble is the worst. 

And what is the deal with these stadium pat-downs? Was your team brainstorming ways to improve the stadium experience and think to yourselves, “What if going to a game was more like going to the airport?” Think about the message that you’re sending to the public, and to young people that are growing up without realizing their rights with regard to unreasonable search and seizure. This seems like a bizarre initiative—patting down a million fans a week because of a handful of troublemakers. It’s just invasive and dumb.

And is it just me, or are aquariums the most disappointing thing ever? I mean, you pay 20 bucks to get into the damn thing which doesn’t even take you an hour to walk through. And they only have like one shark and two stingrays and the rest of it is just a bunch of goldfish. That’s really not your fault, but if you’re looking to get away for a while, don’t go to an aquarium. And also, have you seen the new Tron movie? I thought it was okay.

I would appreciate answers to these inquiries at your convenience. In the meantime, do you have any questions for me?

Hope everything else is bangin’.

Regards,



Josh Zerkle
Lead NFL Writer
Bleacher Report