A Memo to David Stern and Billy Hunter: The Fans Collectively Bargain a New NBA

From: NBA fans everywhere

Sent: June 30, 2011

To: David Stern (NBA Commissioner) [e-mail], Billy Hunter (Head of NBA Players Association) [e-mail]

Subject: Fans' Collective Bargaining Proposals

Mr. Stern and Mr. Hunter, it has come to our attention that your two parties are about to begin a lengthy legal fight including inflammatory name-calling, dramatic legal put-downs, millionaires crying "bloody murder," tasteless comparisons to military campaigns, and, if we are lucky, the bimonthly mirage of a good-faith negotiation.

We realize that millions are at stake. History shows that you can ignore us fans and take us for granted for months, only to have us fill your publicly-financed stadiums and buy $5 hot dogs and $8 beers immediately following your consummated agreement. This we can all accept.

What we do not accept, however, is having no voice at all in the bargaining process. After all, it is the fans who support the product and provide the audience. Below are our demands for a new and improved NBA.

1. Flopping Becomes Punishable by Public Humiliation

There have been a lot of solutions tossed to solve the European plague of flopping. Fines, technical fouls, being locked in a room for two hours with a furious, drooling Jeff Van Gundy.

Not one of these is as effective as what stops your typical player at the park from flopping: embarrassment and humiliation. NBA players' gamesmanship that drives them to flopping must be combated with a truly brutal form of humiliation.

To that end, egregious flops will be mandated by the league to be shown by the home team during public introductions when a player's name is announced. When the player is on the road, the opposing arena operators may use the footage of the opposing player flopping as liberally as they'd like to humiliate the flopper as much as conceivable.

Doctoring the footage will be encouraged by aspiring YouTube artists everywhere (is that LeBron getting fouled by Casper while holding a purse and wearing a dress?). A strong message will be sent: If you flop, you will look repeatedly like a horse's ass in front of millions of people. Oh, well...LeBron might not learn, but most will. 

2. Kevin Harlan Announces all Blake Griffin games

Harlan represents all of the excitement and wonder of an NBA game. Pairing him up with the most entertaining and impossibly athletic player of this generation is a rim-rocking slam dunk for the league and the fans. Imagine after Griffin dunks over Jan Vesely: "OHHH! Blake Griffin with NO regard for my cardiovascular heath!"

The entertainment factor will outweigh the medical costs of having to monitor Harlan's blood pressure and heartbeat at all times.

3. A New Reality Show, The NBA Apprentice, starring David Stern

Mr. Stern, tales of your fits and your astonishingly effective dictatorial reign are legendary. At this point, though, most of us only have to go on second or third-hand information with no footage of your spectacular dressing-downs of subordinates.

Let's fix that problem with an NBA TV reality show with "lucky" contestants vying for a chance to kneel at your side.

4. New Warriors Coach Mark Jackson is Mic'ed up at All Times

As an announcer for only a few years, the man produced more memorable catch phrases (e.g. "momma there goes that man") and epic outros than most analysts produce in their lifetimes.

The entire NBA fan base longs to hear him addressing his players during timeouts, his "you talk about" diatribes during film study, and his animated discussions with officials.

We will all remember exactly where we were the first time we hear him exhort a player in the huddle with a sensational lecture that incorporates concepts such as "putting on a clinic," "airspace" and the doctrine of "hand down, man down."

5. The NBA Should Provide the First Round Series with National Announcers

Let's just say it wasn't as exciting to watch some game-winning shots when the homer announcers reacted like a seven-year-old forced to watch the death of his beloved Old Yeller.

6. Card Knocks: An All-Access Look at the Memphis Grizzlies

This all-access show will chronicle the ups-and-downs with one of the league's most interesting franchises. You will go inside the Grizzlies' team plane and locker room for some of the rawest NBA action out there.

There will be extensive looks at the gambling culture of the NBA, the team's frequent battles over women, Z Bo's rogue posse members, and a fruitless investigation of the alleged "NBA Twitter Hacker." It has spin-off potential for a tournament series called "The World Series of Burre."

7. Traveling will be Called

This is NOT just a negotiating ploy. We are serious about this, as much as you might say it's off the table and a no-no for negotiations.

Okay, we will relax on demand No. 7. The rest we will steadfastly lobby for, and hope you will take into consideration in the next several months during your king of the courtroom battle.

Thanks for your time today, and please be in contact regarding these demands and the progress of the lockout.

Sincerely,

NBA Fans everywhere

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