Wimbledon 2011: Top 25 Slogans for This Year's Tournament

Is it just me, or has Wimbledon grown stale? Wimbledon needs a hook—a new angle to give people a reason to watch.

Maybe it is the lack of an American presence, but this grand tournament is just not as compelling as it used to be.

Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer had an epic finals showdown in 2008, yet their rivalry here finds me yawning with indifference, and leaves me longing for the days of Agassi-Sampras, McEnroe-Connors, Bjorg-McEnroe and McEnroe-chair umpire. 

Wait, maybe Wimbledon just needs McEnroe. And I'm not talking about Patrick. Because there are bountiful amounts of Patrick at this year's tournament. Since Johnny Mac is not coming back, I will give the tournament the next best thing.

What this Wimbledon needs are some catchy and compelling slogans.

Wimbledon: Where You Can Be as Famous as the Celebrities

Michael Parkinson, Pippa Middleton, Rory McIlroy, Delta Goodrem, Judi Dench, Margret Thatcher, Geri Halliwell and Johnathan Ross—I have no idea who some of these people are. Yet, they are listed as some of the celebrities who have attended Wimbledon over the years.

It's like the celebrity roll call for a Lakers game only these people aren't famous. Go to Wimbledon, tell 'em you're famous. It doesn't take much to qualify as a star there.

Wimbledon: Because You Need a Nap

Have you ever wanted to take a nap, but just couldn't drift off? Maybe there was too much on your mind. Maybe your surrounding environment was too loud. Maybe your kids were hitting you in the kidneys with their whiffle ball bats.

No problem. For two glorious weeks of the year, all you have to do is switch on the action at the All England Club and maintaining a wakeful state will be impossible.

Wimbledon: Hey LeBron, If You're Good Enough You Don't Even Need to Play the 4th

If you are LeBron James, or a fan of LeBron James, you think that having to play contests after the third part is a bit unfair. The human body is obviously only meant to excel for three sections of any individual contest.

At Wimbledon, if you are good enough for three sets, you will never have to worry about a fourth. LeBron James would dominate Wimbledon.

Wimbledon: Watch the Americans Get Their Asses Kicked

This slogan isn't going to draw in many Americans, but for the rest of the world—for a wide assortment of reasons—it is golden.

Considering the state of American tennis, it was also guaranteed to come true.

Isner-Mahut 2: The Worst Sequel This Side of the Hangover 2

Crappy sequels are all the rage. You just bring back the same players, put them in a familiar setting, give them the exact same plot device, and viola—$200 million.

Who cares that the sequel is a pale comparison to the original. You'll enjoy it purely from the residue of the first.

Wimbledon: Sorry, Our Grass Has No Weed

Little Known Fact: The first name was actually the All England Grass Tennis and Croquet Club.

After people began showing up with tie dye tennis balls, adopting a clothing optional policy and eating pieces of the court, the All England Club decided they were attracting the wrong crowd and dropped grass for lawn.

Wimbledon: Where You Are Rewarded for Avoiding Love

Maybe you have a significant other waiting for you to drop the "L" word. At some point it is expected.

Maybe you are single and enjoying it, but your friends and family keep bugging you about settling down.

Let's face it—you can only avoid love for so long before society starts to treat you like an outcast.

Well if the above sounds like you, than chances are the courts of Wimbledon are custom made for you. The pursuit of avoiding love is richly rewarded there.

Wimbledon: Getting Our Grunts on Since 1877

There is not a more gruntastic event in the world than Wimbledon. You'd think maybe MMA or weightlifting would feature more grunting, but nope—they can't beat Wimbledon.

If you are a fan of grunting, this is the one event you absolutely do not want to miss...ever. In fact, Tivo it.

Wimbledon: Hey, It's a Sport Isn't It?

Look, there really is little else going in the sporting world. Most sports are off. Baseball is in the dog days of summer. We are left with little to choose from.

You could switch on some bowling, lacrosse, poker or cricket. You might as well watch a little Wimbledon.

Wimbledon: Where Andy Murray's Mum Roots Against Her Son

Andy Murray may have his hometown fans pulling for him. All of them are hoping to see their first local boy win the tournament since 22 B.C. or some year close to that, but there is one match where his own mum will be interested in the opponent.

Andy Murray's mum apparently has the hots for Feliciano Lopez. She has called him "Deliciano."

Murray told reporters:

"

I wish she'd stop that nonsense. It's making me sick. It's disgusting.

"

It may be disgusting, but that is one of the better reasons to watch Andy Murray play tennis!

Wimbledon: Taking Discrimination into the Future

Wimbledon wasn't always open to all races, creeds, sexes and colors. The participants used to be as white as the outfits, and they were all males. 

Wimbledon—some will charge reluctantly—dropped their discrimination policies long ago, but apparently their desire to discriminate remained.

So when Novak Djokovic asked to bring his precious poodle to the match, Wimbledon officials not only sent the Poodle to the back of the bus, but they wouldn't even let it on in the first place.

Specism: it's the new racism.

Wimbledon: You Never Know When a Wardrobe May Malfunction

Wardrobe malfunctions happen. It is a reality. It is a fact. Justin Timberlake told me so.

Don't you want to be there when it happens at Wimbledon?

Wimbledon: Because You Don't Want to Miss the Comeback of the Headband

Impress your friends, family and that girl at work who won't notice you by being on the cutting edge of fashion when you are the first person in your neighborhood to realize the the sporty, functional and ultra-smooth headband is back in style.

This trend can only make a comeback at one place: Wimbledon.

Wimbledon: It's Good Enough for the Royal Family

As you know, the Royal Family is the epitome of taste, virtue and class. They stand as a shiny beacon that any and all respectable human beings should aspire to if they want to rise above their heathen non-royal lineage.

The Royal Family can often be spotted at the courts of Wimbledon. They even have a Royal Box on Centre Court just for them. From the queen all the way down to Fergie—the disgraced former pricess, not the Black Eyed Pea—they have all attended Wimbledon.

Wimbledon: Where the Stars Leave Early to Go Party in Germany with Dirk

You should go to Wimbledon. By the end of the match you could pick up some A-list seats left by B-list celebrities. Everybody who's anybody knows the party in Europe is not on Centre Court, but with Dirk Nowitzki.

Wimbledon: Where the Brits Fail at Their Own Tournament

Do you still habor resentment for taxation without representation. I thought so.

While tar and feathering is fun, it just isn't practical in today's world. And while the U.S. may have kicked the Brits out of their own soil, it is especially rewarding to see them fail on their own turf.

Wimbledon is the world's revenge for the empire that once never saw the sunset. 

Wimbledon: If There Is Grass on the Field It's Time to Play Ball

Wimbledon is the most historic and prestigious of all tennis events. If you are going to watch just one tennis tournament, Wimbledon is the one. It is also the only grand slam event that features grass courts.

And that is the way this grand game was intended to be played.

Wimbledon: So You Can Finally Use That Kindle

Did you rush out and by a Kindle only to find that once you got it that you were severely unmotivated to read? Well Wimbledon is here to help you maximize your technology investments.

Just switch on a little Wimbledon action, and you'll be reaching for that Kindle faster than you can say...anything. Anything at all. In fact, you'll be reaching so quick you may turn back time.

Wimbledon: Making White Outfits Awkward for the Rest of Us

Why is Wimbledon so obsessed with keeping out color at Wimbledon? Thankfully, that obsession is just with the outfits now. But at the same time, come on!

I like to wear white occasionally, and now I feel like I am going for some tennis cliche, or trying to present a statement on my elitism.

Thanks for ruining my entire white wardrobe Wimbledon.

WImbledon: Where the Women's World Cup Ratings Celebrate

Wimbledon is going head-to-head with the Women's World Cup, and it is getting trounced in the ratings.

There was a time, not that long ago, where this would be unthinkable.

Welcome to the back seat, Wimbledon.

Wimbledon: Hey, I Wonder What Anna Kournikova Is Up To?

You remember Anna Kournikova? Chances are you probably do. And, if you are like me, you can't name one other retired female tennis player with her resume.

Wimbledon gives us all a stiff reminder to check in on the boundless photogenic talents of Anna.

Wimbledon: Where Your Wife Won't Mind You Watching Women Groan

At some point (I think we can pinpoint it to the rise of Monica Seles), women's tennis became a contest of grunts and groans.

At some point, the guttural release became an integral part of the form involved with hitting a forehand smash.

"On no, honey. It's okay. I am just watching women's tennis."

Wimbledon: Is It Football Season Yet?

No! It is not football season yet.

In fact, football is in the midst of a lockout.

So, while you are sitting at home watching paint dry, take your quest to find the epitome of boredom even further and flip on Wimbledon tennis.

Wimbledon: Where Dick Enberg's Bloody Blue Balls Happens

The legendary Dick Enberg telling tales of bloody blue balls to Chris Evert? Count me in.

Is there a better selling point for any sporting event...ever?

Wimbledon: Our Game Is Too Sophisticated for You Rapscallions

Okay, let's face it. The All England Club could care less if us common folk enjoy their fine game. If we don't enjoy it, it is simply another sign of their infinite superiority over us.

And that may make this reverse psychology slogan the most effective of all. Wimbledon would be overrun with viewers.