Five Reasons Why Daniel Snyder Is Pretty Much Turtle from Entourage

This may not be the easiest one to catch but the similarities between these two were simply too much for this fan to ignore any further.

Dan Snyder over the past couple of years has done what he can to clean up his image in the D.C. area. He owns the local ESPN affiliate radio station and runs it like Mao ran the Great Leap forward to consolidate his power.  

He started a production company that puts out masterpieces of cinematic drivel.  And lastly, he sued a newspaper for portraying him unfavorably.

Ruining the team of my youth wasn't enough, Danny?  Now you're going after the fourth estate.  Well, I've had enough.  If somebody's going to get sued by Dan, they might as well deserve it.  

Yes, I'm looking at you [whoever allowed me to write this article].

Short

Joe if you continue touching me I may have to begin pee'ing again.

This is an obvious one, but that doesn't make it any less funny.  Now Dan Snyder's Wikipedia page doesn't tell you how tall he is, and Turtle is a fictional character, so that data doesn't exist anywhere either (way to drop the ball again, Internet).

People with inexplicable British accents in movies often say that people often say a picture is worth a thousand words but seeing that one up there only says two: Napoleon complex. 

For fans of the show Entourage, we all know how Turtle likes to make like a tough guy.  At Comic-Con, when a blogger (Rainn Wilson) wouldn't give Vince's movie a good review Turtle threatened him by asking: "Are you scared of me?"

Spoiler alert: Dwight Schrute is afraid of no one!

Daniel Snyder has a similar reputation in the D.C. area, and well, I believe it all probably stems from an unfortunate lack of length.

Obsessed with the Home Teams

Really Dan Snyder? Even my douche watch is offended.

As you can see, my man Turtle up there in one of his goofier moments is as always wearing a Yankee Fitted.  Now Jay-Z may have made the Yankee hat cooler than the Yankees did, but Turtle wears it for the Yankees.  He's obsessed with them.  

Despite living in Los Angeles, the man always reps the hometown Yankees, Giants and Knicks.

Hey, I'm a fan, too, but the obsession is a little weird.  A hat or two is cool.  Every single color hat to match every single kind of outfit is just weird. 

Becoming rich and buying a few club seats or even a luxury box is cool.  Pouring in all your assets to get the team you used to softly masturbate to as a child is still kind of cool (sans the masturbating part) but then as soon as putting up all this money becoming a cheap SOB, selling naming rights to everything but "your special room," putting in tailgating rules, and hiking up ticket prices and licensing fees to the point that the average fan has to take out a second mortgage to afford them well...thats not so much weird, but just an A-hole move.

Vinny Chase = Jerry Jones

Are you sure mine is as big as his?

Both have an obsession with someone nobody needs to be idolizing.  

The entire plot of Entourage is a dude (Vinny Chase) with no talent somehow by sheer luck becoming a Hollywood B+ lister and taking his boys from home along for the ride.  Turtle's specific role in this equation is the analog for every useless hanger-on all big stars have.

Vinny Chase's other two friends, while just as useless, do have some role to play.  E. is Vinny's manager. Drama is his brother and an actor in his own right.  

Turtle?  Well, Turtle gets Vinny his weed and bangs some of his fallout pussy.  His only function for Vince is a self-affirmation.  Most of their conversations sound something like this:

Vinny: Everyone keeps telling me I suck.

Turtle:  No man.  You're awesome!  Let's get some weed!

Which is exactly how I imagine the conversations between Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones usually go.

Old People Fetish

They both seem to have a fetish for them.  Whether it be Bruce Smith, Neon Deion, Jeff George, Jeremiah Trotter, or Adam Archuleta, Danny boy just can't seem to stop himself.  

And I believe that clip of Turtle's willingness to bang an over-ripe, over-Botoxed, wrinkly Lisa Rinna kind of speaks for itself. 

At least he didn't get the fatty....AM I RIGHT?! [high five] ... No one?  OK that's cool, let's keep this moving; my 24-hour porn subscription runs out in 45 minutes.

Tom Cruise = Saigon

Seriously though which one of us do you think is worst at our jobs?

There was an arch at one point where Turtle thought he could become a Rap mogul.  So what is a random dude in Hollywood to do when he wants to begin mogul'ing it up in the rap game?  

Hire a rapper, of course, and that's where our buddy Saigon comes in.  A good but naive rapper who ties his livelihood to a pudgy, short guy, with a fetish for old bitches. FYI, it doesn't work out that well for anybody.

Not too dissimilarly, Dan Snyder wanted to start a production company. So what is he to do?  Obviously, hire a mentally unbalanced actor way past his prime, of course.  

For those of you who don't know Daniel Snyder's company is responsible for the historical abortion that is "Valkyrie."  This one didn't work out for anybody, either.

On the plus side, everybody's Thetan level was brought to respectable levels, so I guess that's something.