2011 NBA Playoffs: Why Portland Will Survive Game 6 and the Zombie Apocalypse

The Portland Trail Blazers will be playing for their season on Thursday night against Dallas. However, regardless of the outcome of Game 6, Portland fans should take comfort in knowing that their team will do very well in the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

In the event that the Rose Garden is surrounded by zombies following what will presumably be Portland's epic blow-out win over the Mavericks on Thursday, enough Trail Blazers would make it out of the arena to ensure an equally convincing Game 7 triumph in Dallas.

If I've learned anything from watching lots of zombie TV shows and movies, it's that a combination of speed, size and strength are necessary to survive a zombie siege. In this regard, Portland's players are a perfect fit for combating the undead.

Nicolas Batum, Wesley Matthews and Gerald Wallace are all fast and strong and could probably wield axes with devastating efficiency if cornered in, say, a parking garage.

The always-leaping Chris Johnson would make it, too, probably by swinging his D-League trophy to destroy zombie brains.

Brandon Roy, despite the injured knees, is entirely capable of surpassing all reasonable expectations, as his Game 4 heroics against Dallas demonstrate.

Patty Mills and Rudy Fernandez could run circles around any mobs of the undead, and as long as their lives don't depend on hitting wide open three-pointers, they'll hang around.

Marcus Camby's inability to out-rebound Tyson Chandler highlights some of the problems he would have if he found himself in a real version of AMC's The Walking Dead, but his fellow veteran, the always cagey Andre Miller, would help him out, presumably by dropping a piano on a chasing crowd of flesh-eating creatures.

Miller is also not above shoving one of the rookies, Luke Babbitt, Elliot Williams or Armon Johnson, down a flight of stairs if it meant that the rest of the team would make it out alive.

Hey, someone has to make the tough decisions.

Andre Miller is like a cold blooded version of Woody Harrelson in Zombieland.

So, relax, Trail Blazer fans! Losing Game 6 at home to a very-beatable Dallas Mavericks team isn't the worst-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is the Rose Garden filling with brain-eating, undead zombies, and if THAT happens, the boys in black and red and sometimes white have got us covered.