Al Davis: The Art Of The Break-Up

As the song goes, breaking up is hard to do. For Al Davis, not so much.

The Crpyt-Keeperesque owner of the Oakland Raiders has decided to pull the trigger on another relationship.  Thankfully, David didn't actually have a gun or the recently unemployed Lane Kiffin may actually be dead right now. 

The end came Tuesday, in the form of an early morning phone call to Kiffin, in which David fired him, promoted offensive-line coach Tom Cable to interim coach and then met with the media for the first time in 14 months. 

That's a big day for Grandpa. Unfortunately, it's bad form.

You see, when you break up with someone, there's a series of steps one must undertake in order to end the relationship with style and sensitivity.  At least, that's what the Internet says and, as everyone knows, the Internet knows all.

Step one calls on the breaker-upper to choose an appropriate place.  In this instance, an appropriate locale may have been on the field, a sentimental place for the coach who is going to have to live with getting dumped.   Instead, Davis made a phone call from either his home or office, meaning it was really only an appropriate place for him.

Step two demands an appropriate time should be chosen.  As mentioned, Kiffin was ousted Tuesday morning.  There's never a good time to get dumped however, by being let go Tuesday morning, Davis fulfilled a prophecy written 11-years ago by Chicago Tribune writer Mary Schmich who so eloquently noted that "the real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."

It stands to reason Kiffin may have seen the writing on the wall after going 1 and 3.  Still, from what Kiffin said following his departure, perhaps he was holding out hope the two could make it work at least until the end of the season.

Step Three demands a face-to-face break-up.  That's what a real man does.  Davis went the easy route by operating his telephone machine and letting Kiffin know it was over.  Not cool but then, Davis may have actually died a long time ago and is really a zombie.

Step four suggests honesty but to be sensitive.  Davis certainly was honest ("I picked the wrong guy") but he gets a fail on sensitivity.  Here's why:

"It's the first time I ever let anyone go based on what I call just a flat-out liar."

Awkward!  And not very nice, especially since Davis brought no hard proof.  Sure, it may be true but facts speak louder than words. Oh, and he also refuses to pay out the remainder on Kiffin's contract. Stay classy, Al!

Step five asks to keep the emotions in check.  Please see above and then add a sprinkle of "(Kiffin brought) disgrace to the organization..."

Finally, step six calls for one not to react to any tantrums that may arise from the break up.  Kiffin could only muster a few words following his dismissal.

"I feel disappointed, because I feel we came a long ways and really improved as a team."

Whoa!  Settle down, Lane, settle down.

So, Davis broke just about every break up rule there is and looked more like a crazed homeless man ranting to someone only he can see than a respectable NFL owner.

As for Kiffin, if it's any consolation, at least he can say, "It's not me, it's you!"