The 50 Funniest Sports Quotes of All Time

Ross LipschultzAnalyst IFebruary 14, 2011

The 50 Funniest Sports Quotes of All Time

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    ARLINGTON, TX - FEBRUARY 06: Ben Roethlisberger #7 of the Pittsburgh Steelers stands with his head down during Super Bowl XLV against the Green Bay Packers at Cowboys Stadium on February 6, 2011 in Arlington, Texas.  (Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)
    Al Bello/Getty Images

    Something must have been in the water before Super Bowl XLV, because both the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers began saying things that made kindergartners shake their heads.

    One culprit: Ben Roethlisberger. When asked how the Steelers could win the big game, he had this to say:

    “I think for me, I mean, obviously, we have to try to score more points than they do.” 

    Now, whether or not you think he was joking doesn't matter. Quotes like these leak from athletes almost daily, they just happen to get noticed on the big stages.

    That's how the saying, "If a man says something reflecting his idiocy in a forest, and no one is there to hear it, is he still an idiot?" came to exist.

    In Roethlisberger's defense, he's not nearly the worst. Press conferences, color commentary and trash talk have tickled sports fans' funny bones since the dawn of time, so there's a deep collection of these quotable gems.

    So who's the most memorable?

50. Ted Walsh

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    "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

    Sure, he's a horse racing commentator and former jockey. But there's got to be a better way to say this, right?

    Maybe he shouldn't start by flattering the horse.

49. Joe Jacoby and Matt Millen

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    1 Dec 1991:  Offensive lineman Joe Jacoby of the Washington Redskins looks on during a game against the Los Angeles Rams at Anaheim Stadium in Anaheim, California.  The Redskins won the game, 27-6. Mandatory Credit: Mike Powell  /Allsport
    Mike Powell/Getty Images

    Jacoby, before Super Bowl XVIII: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl."

    Millen, of the Raiders: "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

    Truly dedicated players don't rule anything out, including murder. Now, the real question is what would they do for a Klondike.

48. Matt Stairs

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    PHOENIX - AUGUST 08:  Infielder Matt Stairs #16 of the San Diego Padres fields a ground ball out agianst the Arizona Diamondbacks during the Major League Baseball game at Chase Field on August 8, 2010 in Phoenix, Arizona.  (Photo by Christian Petersen/Get
    Christian Petersen/Getty Images

    “When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys—there’s no better feeling than to have that done."

    I'm no fan of the portly professional hitter, so yes, it tickles my fancy to see his preference for "ass-hammering."

47. Spider Lockhart

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    "The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract."

    Does that really stop him? Jim Brown's movie career was about as destructive as his running style.

    Lockhart can take solace in the fact he didn't have to be in Soul Food. Yeesh.

46. David Beckham

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    CHIGWELL, UNITED KINGDOM - JANUARY 11: David Beckham sighted leaving Tottenham Hotspur's training complex on January 11, 2011 in Chigwell, England. (Photo by Neil Mockford/Getty Images)
    Neil Mockford/Getty Images

    Beckham comes across very polished and well-mannered most of the time. Occasionally, he slips up, like when he was asked if he considered himself "volatile."

    "I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side."

    Clearly, he thought the reporter said "versatile." But then again, it sounds like his game is a little bit of both.

45. Tom Nissalke

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    When you continue to get the bowl cut after the age of eight, you clearly aren't the world's coolest cat. Former Houston Rockets coach Nissalke made up for that with his humor.

    A fan asked him in a Q&A how he pronounced his name, and Nissalke decided to show his sense of humor with his answer.



44. Murray Mexted

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    CHRISTCHURCH, NEW ZEALAND - JUNE 25:  Murray Mexted, Television Commentator and Ex All Black pictured during the 1st Test match between the New Zealand All Blacks and the British and Irish Lions at Jade Stadium June 25, 2005 in Christchurch, New Zealand.
    David Rogers/Getty Images

    Rugby may not be popular in the States, but overseas, it's a high-profile attraction. And as one of the best-known commentators for the sport, Mexted probably didn't mean anything wrong by this:

    "You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."

    Yes, "hookers" are a key position in rugby, but that wording is priceless. Especially because it's true in more ways than one.

43. Lincoln Kennedy

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    SAN DIEGO - JANUARY 21:  Lincoln Kennedy #72 of the Oakland Raiders fields questions from the press during Media Day on January 21, 2003 at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, California.  The Raiders will play the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Super Bowl XXXVII on
    Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

    A lot of people don't vote, but the Raiders offensive tackle has a very logical reason for it.

    "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." 

    He does risk double danger. If his middle name was Obama, he'd be done for.

42. Jacques Plante

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    ”Goaltending is a normal job, sure. How would you like it in your job if every time you made a small mistake, a red light went on over your desk and 15,000 people stood up and yelled at you?” 

    Plante should produce reality television shows. How funny would it be to watch someone work in a cubicle and have his co-workers boo every time a red squiggly line appeared on Microsoft Word?

    For added entertainment, a Zamboni could clean the tears off his desk every hour.

41. Jerry Rice

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    PASADENA, CA - JANUARY 05:  NFL Hall of Famer Jerry Rice speaks onstage during the 'Year of the Quarterback' panel at the ESPN portion of the 2011 Winter TCA press tour held at the Langham Hotel on January 5, 2011 in Pasadena, California.  (Photo by Frede
    Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

    "I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that." 

    No, pretty sure we just did. 

40. Tracy McGrady

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    MIAMI, FL - JANUARY 28: Tracy McGrady #1 of of the Detroit Pistons looks on during a game against the Miami Heat at American Airlines Arena on January 28, 2011 in Miami, Florida. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading an
    Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images

    "[My] career was sputtering until [I] did a 360 and got headed in the right direction." 

    Not sure what protractor he's using, although it does explain McGrady's inability to escape the first round.

    Well, everyone except him thinks he's unable. 

39. Yogi Berra

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    NEW YORK - APRIL 13:  New York Yankee Hall of Famer Yogi Berra looks on prior to the Yankees playing the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim during the Yankees home opener at Yankee Stadium on April 13, 2010 in the Bronx borough of New York City.  (Photo by Jim
    Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

    “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”

    To be fair, in his day, everything was done at 180 percent. Damn imperial system!

38. Abe Lemons

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    Gotta love the old-school bluntness. When someone asked the University of Texas basketball coach if his Longhorns should be in the top 20 in 1976, he obviously wasn't pleased.

    "You mean in the state?" 

    Are there even 20 Division I teams in Texas? Yes, it's a huge state, but there just can't be that many universities.

37. Pat Williams

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    "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

    Pull a Montreal Expos and start playing a large number of games at a neutral site. Puerto Rico, anyone?

36. Torrin Polk

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    Former University of Houston coach John Jenkins was a man's man and he wanted Polk and his other players to feel like equals.

    "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

    Men and earrings don't normally go together, but then again, Polk probably bedazzled his cup.

35. Doug Collins

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    CHICAGO, IL - DECEMBER 21: Head coach Doug Collins of the Philadelphia 76ers gives instructions to his team against the Chicago Bulls at the United Center on December 21, 2010 in Chicago, Illinois. The Bulls defeated the 76ers 121-76. NOTE TO USER: User e
    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.”

    Isn't this true for all teams, all the time? Darts and golf may be the only activities where this isn't true. 

34. Johnny Miller

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    “I don’t think anywhere is there a symbiotic relationship between caddie and player like there is in golf.”

    Not sure about this. My shower caddie and I work damn well together walking to the bathroom. It carries my soap, and I casually ignore its advice on how to clean my armpits.

33. Otto Jelinek

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    The Former Canadian Minister of State of Fitness and Amateur Sport decided to test the luge course at the Winter Olympics and wasn't exactly fond of the sport.

    "That's what I call the ultimate laxative." 

    I always thought that the ultimate laxative was pineapple and chocolate, but I'll take Jelinek's word for it.

32. Antoine Walker

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    CHICAGO - JANUARY 29:  Antoine Walker #24 of the Minnesota Timberwolves walks up the court after being called for a foul against the Chicago Bulls January 29, 2008 at the United Center in Chicago, Illinois. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and ag
    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    A reporter asked the gunner why he took so many three pointers night in and night out.

    Walker's response? "Because there are no fours."

    Unfortunately for him, that level of confidence won't help the bankrupt.

31. Billie Jean King

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    NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 30:  Billie Jean King attends the 2010 Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Celebration at IAC Building on November 30, 2010 in New York City.  (Photo by Andy Kropa/Getty Images)
    Andy Kropa/Getty Images

    "Ladies, here's a hint. If you're up against a girl with big boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's the hardest shot for the well-endowed."

    Wonder if that also implies to well-endowed men, because it would explain why James Blake has such trouble at the net.

    Another hint, ladies: Just make the girl with big boobs jump. A lot.

30. Lou Duva

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    17 Mar 1990: Trainer Lou Duva shouts into a microphone during a press conference regarding his fighter Meldrick Taylor.
    Ken Levine/Getty Images

    Like all boxing promoters, Duva spits out garbage without thinking. A lot of words describe his techniques, but smart isn't one of them.

    “You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.”

    No contraction makes him right. "You'ver" isn't accepted north of the Mason-Dixon line.

29. Ron Meyer

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    2 Dec 1990:  Ron Meyer, head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, watches from the sidelines during a game against the  Arizona Cardinals at Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe, Arizona.  The Cardinals won the game, 20-17.  Mandatory Credit: Stephen Dunn  /Allsport
    Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

    Former Indianapolis Colts coach Meyer started rookie quarterback Jeff George much to the chagrin of the media. At least Meyer is modest about the decision.

    "It isn't like I came down from Mount Sinai with the tabloids." 

    Even Moses didn't do that. Although he did love the National Inquirer.

28. Pat Foley

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    ”If you’ve only got one day to live, come see the Toronto Maple Leafs. It’ll seem like forever.”

    Ice cold in so many ways, especially since the Leafs have 13 Stanley Cups, while Foley's Blackhawks have less than a third of that.

27. John McEnroe

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    NEW YORK, NY - FEBRUARY 06: Tennis legend John McEnroe watches the game between the New York Knicks and the Philadelphia 76ers at Madison Square Garden on February 6, 2011 in New York City. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by dow
    Chris Trotman/Getty Images

    "If you believe that [Anna Kournikova's claim that she is a virgin], I've never questioned a call in my life.”

    Yikes, that's some extreme confidence. For some reason, however, McEnroe just can't be lying here.

26. Bob Varsha

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    MIAMI - NOVEMBER 22:  Speed presenter Bob Varsha during the end of season Awards Banquet for the CART (Championship Auto Racing Teams) Fed Ex Championship Series on November 22, 2002  at the Inter-Continental Hotel in Miami,Florida .(Photo by Darrell Ingh
    Darrell Ingham/Getty Images

    “The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.”

    Varsha must be describing a Dr. Seuss character, because Formula One probably won't let anyone with a blatant deformity drive. 

25. Shelby Metcalf

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    Metcalf dealt with a lot of Aggies in his days at Texas A&M, so he had the answer for everything. Here's what he told a former player who had received four "F's" and a "D".

    "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

    Yeah, pretty sure that subject was partying. College Station gets wild.

24. Rick Bowness

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    "When we're competing for the Stanley Cup, this record won't mean a thing." 

    Now, he's partially right, considering he said this right after the Senators tied the record for most consecutive road losses with 37. 

    However, if your team is that bad on the road, the NHL probably won't let you compete for the Cup.

23. Rocky Graziano

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    "I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it." 

    Just a classic line. I got stuck on "pterodactyl," so I feel his pain.

22. Greg Norman

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    SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - DECEMBER 05:  Greg Norman  of Australia plays a shot on the 12th hole during day four of the Australian Open at The Lakes Golf Club on December 5, 2010 in Sydney, Australia.  (Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)
    Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

    "(We) should be allowed to wear shorts. God almighty, (LPGA) women are allowed to wear 'em, and we've got better legs than they do." 

    No. Just no. Sure, go ahead and wear shorts, but don't say John Daly's legs are in any way more attractive than Annika Sorenstam's.

21. Bum Phillips

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    HOUSTON - NOVEMBER 23:  Bum Phillips stands on the sidelines as the Tennessee Titans play against Houston Texans at Reliant Stadium on November 23, 2009 in Houston, Texas.  (Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)
    Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

    Bob Costas asked the former Houston Oilers head coach why he brought his wife on every road trip.

    "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

    Someone's sleeping on the couch!

20. Rickey Henderson

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    OAKLAND, CA - SEPTEMBER 24:  Former member of the Oakland Athletics Rickey Henderson looks on against the Texas Rangers during a Major League Baseball game at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum on September 24, 2010 in Oakland, California. (Photo by Jed
    Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

    Ken Caminiti insisted that approximately 50 percent of baseball players used steroids. A journalist wanted Henderson's opinion on the estimate: 

    "Well, Rickey's not one of them, so that's 49 percent right there."

    Third person and believing he represents one percent of the Major Leagues? Not bad, Mr. Ego. Not bad at all.

19. Kevin Keegan

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    HARTLEPOOL, UNITED KINGDOM - JULY 19:  Kevin Keegan, the Newcastle Manager pictured during the pre-season friendly match between Hartlepool United and Newcastle United at Victoria Park on July 19, 2008 in Hartlepool, England.  (Photo by David Rogers/Getty
    David Rogers/Getty Images

    "The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23!”

    ...No comment. 

18. Shaquille O'Neal

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    PHOENIX, AZ - JANUARY 28:  Shaquille O'Neal #36 of the Boston Celtics during the NBA game against the Phoenix Suns at US Airways Center on January 28, 2011 in Phoenix, Arizona.  The Suns defeated the Celtics 88-71.  NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledg
    Christian Petersen/Getty Images

    Shaq's another quote machine, and he enjoys making himself look silly. So when a reporter asked him if he visited the Parthenon while in Greece, it's hard to tell if this was response was a joke.

    “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

    While he was there, I imagine he also hit up Delphi. The Oracle rules the turntables.

17. Walt Williams

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    4 Dec 2001:  Guard Walt Williams #42 of the Houston Rockets dribbles the ball during the NBA game against the Chicago Bulls at the United Center in Chicago, Illinois.  The Bulls crushed the Rockets 103-75.Mandatory Credit:  Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images
    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    "I've been dunked on by (Vitaly) Potapenko and now (Zan) Tabak. The good part is that they don't make posters of those guys."

    This could easily be part of a eulogy. Potapenko and Tabak have the combined hops of a tank.

    Sadly, Williams was right, so he wins.

16. Sean Avery

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    NEW YORK, NY - JANUARY 25: Sean Avery #16 of the New York Rangers reacts after colliding with Tomas Vokoun #29 of the Florida Panthers during the second period at Madison Square Garden on January 25, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Christopher Pasatieri/
    Christopher Pasatieri/Getty Images

    "Everyone talks about how classless I am, but I guess Fatso there just forgot to shake my hand." 

    Regardless of what Avery thinks of Martin Brodeur's weight, it's pretty obvious a forgotten handshake isn't nearly as bad. 

    Also, he dated Elisha Cuthbert, so at least the hot girls don't care about class. Which is all that really matters.

15. Weldon Drew

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    LOS ANGELES, CA - JANUARY 14:  Sasha Vujacic #20 of the New Jersey Nets waves to the crowd as he enters the game in his first return since being traded by the Los Angeles Lakers at Staples Center on January 14, 2011 in Los Angeles, California.  NOTE TO US
    Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

    Clearly, that's not Weldon Drew. There's no picture of the wonderful coach and wordsmith, so here's a picture of Vujacic, someone who definitely can understand Drew's message.

    "We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors."

    No wonder the Lakers gave up a first-round pick just to get rid of him.

14. George Best

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    "I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!"

    How can he complain about this? What did he waste the other 10 percent on, Clippers tickets?

    Even they have Blake Griffin.

13. Carl Everett

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    SEATTLE - JULY 3:  Designated hitter Carl Everett #8 of the Seattle Mariners swings at a Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim pitch during the game on July 3, 2006 at Safeco Field in Seattle Washington. The Angeles won 7-3.  (Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images
    Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

    "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs.  You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them.  Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve.  No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex."

    Someone hasn't passed first grade history. Or second. Or third. But at least he passed religion with flying colors.

    Kudos, "Truthosaurus."

12. Joe Theismann

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    MIAMI - DECEMBER 03:  College Football Hall of Famer Joe Theisman leaves after funeral services for Sean Taylor of the Washington Redskins at Pharmed Arena on December 3, 2007 in Miami, Florida. Taylor died November 27, one day after being shot at his hom
    Doug Benc/Getty Images

    "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

    To be fair, Theismann is in football, and he certainly believes he isn't a genius. This statement just makes us all nod in agreement.

    Including Einstein's corpse.

11. Mike Cameron

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    SEATTLE - JULY 23: Mike Cameron #23 of the Boston Red Sox breaks his bat against the Seattle Mariners at Safeco Field on July 23, 2010 in Seattle, Washington. (Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images)
    Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

    “The sun has been there for 500, 600 years.”

    Close. So close. I often confuse the sun's inception with the date Leonardo DaVinci painted the Mona Lisa. 

    Hey, we aren't all Norman Einsteins.

10. Muhammad Ali

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    PHOENIX - DECEMBER 23:  Muhammad Ali attends the NBA game between the Miami Heat and the Phoenix Suns at US Airways Center on December 23, 2010 in Phoenix, Arizona.  The Heat defeated the Suns 95-83.  NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees t
    Christian Petersen/Getty Images

    "I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won."

    The father of trash talk. Wouldn't it have been great to see this fight? Shadows are notoriously for leaving their left cheek open, but have a wicked uppercut.

9. Ron Atkinson

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    KETTERING, UNITED KINGDOM - JANUARY 27:  New Director of Football at Kettering, Ron Atkinson looks on before the Nationwide Conference North match between Kettering Town and Droylsden at Rockingham Road on January 27, 2007 in Kettering, England.  (Photo b
    Julian Finney/Getty Images

    "Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's: movement and positioning." 

    To his credit, there are two M's in that clause. They just both happen to be in the word "movement."

8. Tug McGraw

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    FLUSHING, NY - JULY 13:  Tug McGraw a member of the 1973 New York Mets throws out the first pitch prior to the National League game between the New York Mets and the Philadelphia Phillies at Shea Stadium on July 13, 2003 in Flushing, New York. The Mets wo
    Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

    Just tell me he's kidding. When someone asked McGraw if he preferred grass to turf, he must have had his mind elsewhere.

    "I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."

    Actually, just tell me he didn't get any ideas.

7. Mike Tyson

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    LAS VEGAS - JULY 31:  Former boxer Mike Tyson watches an undercard of the Juan Manuel Marquez and Juan Diaz bout at the Mandalay Bay Events Center July 31, 2010 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
    Ethan Miller/Getty Images

    “[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

    Wow. He really wasn't thinking, because most people don't imply sexual misconduct this strongly.

    Not even R. Kelly.

6. Chuck Nevitt

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    "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

    Hmmm...considering he played in the NBA, the answer should be obvious. Then again, Juwanna Mann is inspired by true events, so you never know.

5. Tommy Lasorda

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    COOPERSTOWN, NY - JULY 25:  Hall of Famer Tommy Lasorda attends the Baseball Hall of Fame induction ceremony at Clark Sports Center on July 25, 20010 in Cooperstown, New York.  (Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)
    Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

    Lasorda and Mexican-born Fernando Valenzuela entered into tense contract negotiations in 1981. When someone asked the Dodgers' head honcho what the pitcher might demand, Lasorda said:

    "He wants Texas back."


4. Steve Spurrier

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    02 Jan 2002:  Head coach Steve Spurrier of Florida receive the FedEx Orange Bowl trophy after the Orange Bowl against Maryland at Pro Player Stadium in Miami, Florida.  Florida won 56-23. DIGITAL IMAGE Mandatory Credit: Eliot Schechter/Getty Images
    Eliot J. Schechter/Getty Images

    The Ol' Ball Coach always had quite the wit, so when a fire broke out at Auburn's football dorm and scorched 20 books, Spurrier decided to bring it

    "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

    Probably not an issue, though. Cam Newton can make a donation for some new books.

3. Allen Iverson

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    Quoting the Answer's answer does not do him justice, so please, watch the clip. If he said the word "practice" this much nowadays, Iverson would have a permanent trending topic on Twitter. 

    Not sure how the hashtag #practice would fit, but maybe if you readers give it a shot...

2. Charles Barkley

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    LAS VEGAS - SEPTEMBER 19:  NBA analyst and former NBA player Charles Barkley watches an undercard fight at the Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Juan Manuel Marquez bout at the MGM Grand Garden Arena September 19, 2009 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Ethan Miller
    Ethan Miller/Getty Images

    In court after throwing a man through a barroom window, Chuck and the judge had the following exchange:

    Judge: “Your sanctions are community service and a fine, do you have any regrets?”

    Charles: “Yeah, I regret we weren’t on a higher floor.”

    Call him Dial-A-Quote. Most people wouldn't respond with that much sass while trash talking, let alone in a courtroom. 

    Lesson to everyone, don't argue with Chuck in a penthouse.

1. Mike Tyson...Again

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    "Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

    Nothing could make this quote better. Threats, cannibalism, SAT words, and religious dedication all in one sentence? 

    He did it off the cuff, too. It might be hard to top this quote if you had a day to prepare.

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