NFL Offseason: A Fan's Guide to Surviving Months Without Football

The 2010 season has ended, and now depending on who you root for, you’re either excited for next season or you’re still trying to forget your team’s most recent debacle (we’re looking at you Dallas fans!). 

So now what? There are no games this weekend.  No opposing fans to smack talk with.  No lost sleep wondering which kicker you should start for your fantasy team. 

How are die hard NFL fans supposed to feed their need for football? 

Well never fear, here is your Official NFL Fan’s Guide To The Offseason. (It should be pointed out that the NFL in no way actually endorses this …but Roger Goodell has a terrific sense of humor and probably won’t sue.) 

First off, take some deep breaths.  A lot happened last year and you need to cleanse your mind of it.  You need to forget seeing Brett Favre limp his way through his last season, you need to stop seeing Bills wideout Steve Johnson drop that pass against Pittsburgh and you have to let go of the image of Mark Sanchez wiping his snot on his teammate’s uniform. 

There, now that we have that out of the way, let’s begin with the offseason.  Remember, the modern NFL has no offseason so you need to be ready. 

One quick caveat, we’re going to assume that there will be no lockout.  Despite how bad it looks, we’re going to move forward as this guide will be useful for labor-trouble free seasons to come.  

Step one:  Start watching the NFL Combine 

The NFL combine hits Indianapolis each year in February (why there?) and this is your chance to bone up on the kids who are going to become millionaires in April.  The NFL network will provide you endless coverage and that warm spot on your recliner will welcome you home. 

The combine is wonderful.  Watch these guys jump, run, lift weights, throw balls to each other…all while wearing strange looking numbers.  If, by the time it’s over, you can’t list the top ten college long-snappers, then you weren't paying enough attention. 

If done right, you will be able to amaze your friends and alienate women with dizzying details about Jake Locker’s 40 time and how many reps of 225 Nick Fairley pulled off. 

You’ll also be able to brag about how you knew the unheralded linebacker from Northwest Middle-of-Nowhere State was going to be the sleeper of the draft. 

Step two:  Free Agency Frenzy 

Each spring there are a group of people who get excited about pitchers and catchers showing up in Arizona and Florida, we don’t understand those people and recommend you steer clear of them.  Football fans look forward to spring for one reason, free agency. 

This is the time of year when no dream is too big.  That 3-13 season last year? Nothing signing all of the top free agents can’t cure.  This is when champions are made. 

Or not.  

Free agency never seems to live up to its potential.  The huge free agents rarely change teams and the big spenders (Dan Snyder) never seem to make it work.  

Peyton Manning is a free agent, but let’s be realistic, he isn’t going to…Cleveland.  He’ll be back in Indy, but for the NFL fan this is a time to have some fun. 

For kicks, log onto your favorite internet fan site.  (We all know that Bleacher Report is the only real fan site, right?) Once logged on, post something like “Oh man, I just heard Nnamdi Asomugha was seen at insert local park, mall, etc ”.  Click ‘post’, lean back and watch the fun. 

Soon people will be pre-ordering Seahawks, Redskins or 49ers jerseys with Asomugha’s name on them. 

Step Three: Become a Draft Geek 

The excitement surrounding the NFL draft is a strange cultural phenomenon.  The fact that we will sit in front of our televisions for two straight days being yelled at, and generally creeped out, by someone like Mel Kiper, defies logic. 

Yet we love it. 

So this year, get prepared.  Study every mock draft you can find on the internet, it shouldn’t be hard to find them. If truly inspired, make up your own.  Read endless scouting reports about each prospect until you have convinced yourself that Ryan Mallett is either the next Aaron Rogers or Ryan Leaf. 

Argue on message boards about who your team should draft.  Question other fan’s knowledge and commitment for suggesting they draft a punter with the team’s second round pick. 

On draft day, drink lot’s of fluids, have all your scouting reports printed out and be ready to yell at your TV a lot—which will probably further alienate you from any women who are still talking to you at this point. 

After the draft, start reading mock drafts for next year.  Then, sleep for five days straight. 

Step Four:  Gear up for the season. 

From May until July, when training camps open up, you have some simple tasks to accomplish. 

You will need to decide which player jersey’s you’re going to purchase for this upcoming season.  This usually will come down to whatever big free agent your team has signed or what top draft pick you like.  Choose wisely, you don’t want to be the one guy at the stadium wearing his ten-year-old Ki-Jana Carter Bengals jersey. 

You will need to mend your relationship with your girlfriend/wife and kids.  Spend time with them.  Go to museums, parks, camping, you know…things they want to do.  This will ensure you 20 free Sundays in the fall. 

You will need to decide how you can afford Super Bowl tickets, because let’s face it, your team made brilliant moves and are destined to win it all.  While you’re at it, you might want to make up an excuse to get out of work on the day your team’s championship parade will take place. 

There you have it.  Hopefully this guide will help you get through these gloomy spring and summer days without football.  Whatever you do, don’t get distracted by baseball, keep your eye on the prize. 

Have fun and we’ll see you next fall.