NFL Football: Super Bowl Plotlines, Oscar-Style

The Super Bowl is on its way; that much you already know.

In fact, everyone on the planet probably knows...although the Egyptians have been kinda busy lately.

That, however, is another story altogether.

The Oscars are also rapidly approaching, and the building hype for one of my favorite entertainment nights along with one of the best sports nights has led me to wonder: how can I combine the two?

Here are some Oscar-themed plotlines to keep an eye on during tomorrow’s big game.

Ben Roethlisberger: The “Black Swan,” Except Hairier

Roethlisberger is a good quarterback. That much is clear, based on his two Super Bowl rings and numerous accolades as a player.

He seems to be a leader, more-or-less respected by his teammates, and steps up big-time in the clutch when many other QBs wither.

Basically, he's the white swan: Natalie Portman plus about 150 pounds and a serious beard.

Off the field, however, he’s turned into the black swan.

He’s this creepy, perv-job of a man who rides motorcycles without helmets, rolls with an entourage that makes the actual characters of “Entourage” seem tame, and did some pretty dirty stuff in a pretty dirty place. 

Put on enough eye-black, and Big Ben bears an uncanny resemblance to the bizarro-Portman of cinematic fame.

Will Big Ben play like the white swan, gracefully pirouetting away from tacklers and saying all the right things in both victory and defeat?

Or will it be the black swan, binge drinking with his o-lineman in a piano bar and trying to do too much on the field?

Will Mike Tomlin Continue to Be the Mark Zuckerberg of Coaching?

In “The Social Network,” we're shown a revolutionary, insanely fast-moving man whose innovation and creativity have quickly led him to a life atop the heap of Internet stardom.

While Tomlin is not nearly as caustic and abrasive as Zuckerberg, he's also immensely talented and successful at an early age.

Zuckerberg would probably crap his pants at the intensity of such a dignified bad-ass as Tomlin, but the two share precociousness, singular drive, and focus that have granted them both so much success in their chosen fields.

Will Aaron Rodgers Display “True Grit” in Leading the Packers?

Rodgers, who has been knocked as "not a winner" in the past, now has a chance to show his mettle. 

While the Steelers’ Bret Keisel has the beard that most closely resembles that of "True Grit" lead character Rooster Cogburn, it'll be on Rodgers to try to match Cogburn's intensity.

The movie portrays a young, unproven girl seeking vengeance on the man who murdered her father. Despite her inexperience in the ways of the Wild West, she helps inspire the veterans around her with courage and passion that belie her lack of years. 

Rodgers must do the same.

Favre is that old gunslinger who shot the Packers in cold blood and then headed for the border. Rodgers will be out for payback, and looking to leave his own mark on society.

I know, I know...it’s not very flattering to compare any 20-something athlete in the prime of his career to a young girl, but if you’ve seen the movie, you get it.

Packers’ Offense Against the Steelers’ Vaunted Defense: “Inception”

The Packers have an explosively mind-bending spread-offense attack, with more talented wide receivers than most offensive coordinators can dream of.

Even a legend like Dick LeBeau might feel as though Leo DiCaprio and Co. broke into his dreams and gave him nightmarish visions of Greg Jennings going deep.

On the other hand, the Steelers’ violent, smash-mouth defense may leave the Packers’ offensive staff with their heads spinning like one of those weird little tops that somehow help DiCaprio and his crew sneak into your minds.

It'll be a great match-up of two teams at the height of their powers, and could be enough to have people feel like their world is rapidly being folded in on itself like a collapsing dream.

Intense, right?

The Halftime Show Will Feel Like it Lasts “127 Hours”

I’d rather saw my arm off with a rusty pen-knife than watch the Black Eyed Peas dance around stage in ridiculous costumes that look like they were designed to be a part of “Rue Paul’s Drag Race” 

They'll give the entire rap genre a bad name.