NBA Draft 2013: The Post Apocalyptic First Round Picks
The year is 2013 and the world has been transformed due to the horrible and unspeakable events of 2012, which were predicted by the Aztecs a millennia ago. In the midst of the new world order, people begin to once again yearn for entertainment and sport.
Thanks to a new element which has been unleashed upon our world, deoxyhydronucleic acid can now be infused with remaining physical elements through transformative technological advancements to reproduce the greats of NBA history.
Due to a fantasy cap imposed on the new NBA by it's governing body, each NBA team will have a draft pick from 1 to 30.
The cities in the US have only half their population now and every NBA player has passed on. Thanks to our new, and controversial, technology NBA owners will choose their all-time pick to be reproduced to be the first franchise player in the new world order.
The teams pick going from the team with the best to the worst record when the world changed forever.
Hence San Antonio picks 30th and Cleveland picks first.
The teams then build upon their one core guy...the future looks bright!
With the 30th Post Apocalyptic Pick SA Chooses Kevin Garnett
1 of 30
SA hopes to rise from the apocalyptic ashes by picking KG. They figure he is the 30th best player of all-time period. His all around game impressed them before the old world ended so, they take a chance on the big man.
With the 29th Post Apocalyptic Pick Boston Picks Dwyane Wade
2 of 30
They would have gone with their old buddy KG but they dashed whatever nostalgia the remaining residents may have had of KG and pick the fast and furious guard. Maybe he can ring in a new era in Boston's newly constructed and reinforced for another potential apocalyptical trauma, arena.
With the 28th Post Apocalyptic Pick: LA Lakers Choose Bob McAdoo
3 of 30
The Lakers city is halfway in the Pacific now and they need a big man who can score and win to help them rebuild. Since all the others are gone by pick 28 they go with a guy who helped them to titles in the early 1980's.
With the 27th Post Apocalyptic Pick: Miami Takes Elvin Hayes
4 of 30
After the worldwide disarray caused by the actualization of 2012, it is a wonder that Miami is still around....it is an island now. With their pick they are surprised to have one of the greatest PF's ever available and they take him. They get a scorer who played defense with tenacity and they are actually happy that legions of fans overlook him as one of the all-time greats.
With the 26th Post Apocalyptic Pick Chicago Chooses George Gervin
5 of 30
Although their boy MJ was already way way gone by pick 26, Chicago actually wanted a scorer so they tried to decide between Iverson and Gervin. Really, there was no question that Gervin is better—he was way bigger, way better on defense and and he could score with a precision (50 percent-plus career shooter) that Iverson never could, oh yeah, the attitude factor is big too.
The new world needed a calm person who would be there for the people in case of another intergalactic catastrophe.
With the 25th Post Apocalyptic Pick New Orleans Takes Clyde Drexler
6 of 30
Having been through numerous natural/unnatural catastrophes before 2012, New Orleans actually makes it through alright, only losing 30 percent of the population and 25 percent of it's square mileage. They actually get a good pick at 25 with Drexler who could do everything on the court.
With the 24th Post Apocalyptic Pick Dallas Chooses Rick Barry
7 of 30
Everything is bigger in Texas and Dallas was a good team before the unthinkable happened in 2012. In 2013 Dallas recovered more than most cities but their good prior standing left them with only the 24th pick, but they got one of the best shooters ever. His level of shooting precision was literally unseen in 2011.
Barry could also lead a team to a title like he did in the old world order year of 1975.
With the 23rd Post Apocalyptic Pick Orlando Chooses Isiah Thomas
8 of 30
Orlando barely survived 2012 but the rich and powerful individuals who afforded reinforced material for their abodes actually created a team which served what was left of Florida.
With the 23rd pick, they chose little man Isiah Thomas. They felt that a brand new team with only one star and a bunch of unknowns would benefit from Isiah. He was the first ever player to dish off 1,000 assists in an NBA season and he could score 25 points in a quarter while injured. He was so underrated that he was an easy pick at 23.
With the 22nd Post Apocalyptic Pick Oklahoma City Picks Elgin Baylor
9 of 30
Although OKC is located in tornado alley and was hit hard by the advanced level of natural force that reigned down in 2012, the city is so tough it made it through and with pick 22 they chose a man as big and tough and hard working as they are = Elgin Baylor.
With the 21st Post Apocalyptic Pick Atlanta Chooses Karl Malone
10 of 30
Hotlanta was never hotter than in 2012 when searing flames of confounding nature fell upon what was once a major metroplex. By 2013 a rebuilding effort commenced and they had an easy choice to acquire what they had never had; a dominant big man who could always score. They did have Moses Malone but he was past his prime, but Karl Malone at his prime was something Atlanta could not pass up.
With the 20th Post Apocalyptic Pick Denver Chooses Charles Barkley
11 of 30
Denver was so high in elevation that 2012 did not have a directly significant effect but the convergence of various weather patterns upon Denver due to the otherworldly chaos in lower lying areas caused many deaths in the area. Yet a new joy was evident as Barkley was still available at pick 20.
With the 19th Post Apocalyptic Pick Utah Chooses Jerry West
12 of 30
Utah took a statewide beating from the cataclysmic terror of 2012, as if it were being punished. Only the Native American desert people were spared. Yet enough people in 2013 gathered in one spot to form a team and they saw Jerry West was available to run the team into contention, simply from pure drive, shooting ability and defensive prowess.
With the 18th Post Apocalyptic Pick Portland Chooses Kobe Bryant
13 of 30
When it came to rebuilding a team from scratch with only one choice for a great player, the first 17 teams chose mostly big men and highly efficient shooters to put with a bunch of scrubs and try and win.
Portland felt lucky after the horrible effect 2012 had on the city, when they got to choose Kobe at 18. They figured he could shoot enough shots to gain some team viability. Was he a great guy to start a team of no names with and with no big man? He was, for the 18th pick.
With the 17th Post Apocalyptic Pick New York Chooses Bob Pettit
14 of 30
New York lost millions of people but still had millions after 2012 destroyed so much. New York was always basketball savvy and they picked all-time great and overlooked legend Bob Pettit at 17. They chose him over Kobe because they wanted a team to build around a guy who could literally take a bunch of nobodies and no real big man to a title against the toughest defenders.
Pettit did that in 1958 and beat the Boston Celtics with 50 points to win the title in game six. By doing so, he gave Russell his only ever finals loss and stopped the streak in the middle of it. New York was still a smart basketball city after all the terror of 2012.
With the 16th Post Apocalyptic Pick Memphis Takes LeBron James
15 of 30
Memphis thought hard before picking James over Pettit and Bryant but they would be starting a team with 11 nobodies and one big star. They chose James because he had proved he could take a bunch of nobodies to the Finals by himself, and Bryant could not as he was not a true distributor or rebounder.
Bryant's teams with no big man did not even reach the playoffs. Pettit was not as great of a passer. James would be better to build a team around from scratch. They had no big man to make him look better, it would just be him, so it was a smart choice by a city that was ravaged by the evil disasters that 2012 laid upon them.
With the 15th Post Apocalyptic Pick Houston Chooses Oscar Robertson
16 of 30
Houston was at a point in the draft where they could pick either James or Robertson. Houston was flooded by 2012 so they figured who better to start a team around than a triple double machine that outdid even LeBron on the court. Houston wanted to have a one man show who could do it all and really good and they were utterly astonished that he was still left so they grabbed him up. Great choice H-town!
With the 14th Post Apocalyptic Pick Phoenix Chooses David Robinson
17 of 30
Phoenix was severely hot before 2012 and then by 2013 it was almost a frozen tundra. People still lived there after the thaw and they wanted a team with one thing Phoenix had never had and always wanted: A CENTER!
David Robinson was amazingly still available. At 7'1" and 250 pounds of pure muscle and defensive abilities beyond anything any team had ever seen before, Robinson was an awesome pick. Could he score? He scored 71 points by himself in 1994, not that people in the new world order really remember 1994.
With the 13th Post Apocalyptic Pick Philadelphia Chooses John Stockton
18 of 30
Some people wondered how a city so broken down by the unfortunate and evil events of 2012 could choose Stockton over Robinson at pick 13. It was easy for them because they liked fast paced basketball with a heart where all players were involved in the offense and tough defense was in tall order.
Though Stockton was not tall he led the NBA in steals three times and stole it more than anyone ever, and on top of that he recorded 5,000 more assists than Magic Johnson. Stockton was not given his due credit in 2011, but in 2013 the world had a more sober and less star struck take on reality.
With the 12th Post Apocalyptic Pick Charlotte Takes Moses Malone
19 of 30
The Town formerly known as Charlotte did not exist after the last wave of 2012's unnatural torchings, but it soon re-existed as a refuge for sports hungry fans.
To appease them, Charlotte chose one of the most underrated, and yet valuable to any given team, players the world had ever seen. Moses Malone could actually control entire games by himself, he could score 30 in his sleep and he clogged the lane.
Charlotte somehow went against naysayers and picked a guy who always proved to be the key to success. He was such a quiet person that he was ignored, but Charlotte knew his game spoke volumes more than highlight shows.
With the 11th Post Apocalyptic Pick Golden State Chooses John Havlicek
20 of 30
The Golden state was forever altered as nature took it's revenge on its blasphemies, but the SF area was allowed to remain, albeit in smaller form. The city never slept before and they wanted a team that would never rest, not for a second on offense or defense, and compete for 48 minutes every single night and never take a play off.
They chose the man of perpetual motion and one of the greatest true basketball geniuses ever. Havlicek perfected basketball and would be a perfect example for all 11 other teammates. He was an eight-time NBA champion, who the fans of 2011 had forgotten and disrespected but by 2013, the world was forced to have morals and wisdom again.
With the 10th Post Apocalyptic Pick Milwaukee Chooses Tim Duncan
21 of 30
Milwaukee needed a steady influence to taper the illness and sadness the loss of thousands caused as a result of 2012. At pick ten, they did not go with the hype and they did not go with fickle public opinion, they went with a deep insider's view and chose one of the most dependable, efficient, defensive and team minded players ever seen.
The world after a disaster does not delight in egomaniacs who are brash, sarcastic and overly-cocky and overrated; they went with the quiet, underrated and truly better Tim Duncan.
With the 9th Post Apocalyptic Pick Indiana Takes Julius Erving
22 of 30
With pick nine, Indiana chose to go with a guy who could perform every facet of the game to near perfection. Perfection was desired after the disorder and mayhem 2012 spilt upon Indy.
At this point in the draft this was close as you could get. The high flyer also brought many many fans in from the morbid heat that usurped Indianapolis in the post apocalyptic days.
With the 8th Post Apocalyptic Pick The LA Clippers Choose Larry Bird
23 of 30
The Clippers still existed only because the huge mountain chain now in-between LA and the ocean existed as a result of plate shifting due to worldwide catastrophes in 2012.
They looked at the field of players left after the first seven were gone and made one of the easiest choices any team had to make in the draft. They quickly snatched up the masterful legend of hoops, Larry Bird.
With the 7th Post Apocalyptic Pick Detroit Picks Hakeem Olajuwon
24 of 30
Detroit looked no different after the apocalypse and with pick seven they picked Hakeem over Bird because he was bigger and mostly a better defender.
Bird was amazing but they wanted a center. Olajuwon was an awesome offensive force to boot. His quiet personality had fans in 2011 forgetting about him, as they instead anointed lesser players who shot like crazy and made less than half their shots and played half-assed defense.
Detroit was not so stupid as to pick a lesser player, so they went with one of the most amazing all-around players ever witnessed.
With the 6th Post Apocalyptic Pick New Jersey Picks Bill Russell
25 of 30
New Jersey was rocked by the apocalypse of 2012 but like cockroaches they survived. They had never won a title so they picked at number six the man who won more titles than anyone ever with 11. His offense was suspect they knew, fuggetaboutit they said, because he was literally the greatest defender of all time.
With the 5th Post Apocalyptic Pick Washington Chooses Shaquille O'Neal
26 of 30
The Capital remained the capital after 2012's revenge on earth and with the fifth pick they chose the biggest, baddest dude to ever walk onto an NBA court.
He led four other teams to titles through his unstoppable power and defensive intimidation. The three time Finals MVP was seen at pick five for what he was—truly the greatest player from 1999 to 2006—A guy who makes nearly 60 percent of his field goals through force and finesse and at 7'1" 320 pounds he was impossible to overlook.
With the 4th Post Apocalyptic Pick Toronto Chooses Magic Johnson
27 of 30
Toronto is in Canada so 2012 totally skipped it. They luckily had the fourth pick. Okay they weren't lucky, they sucked...until they picked up the greatest point guard ever who could play all five positions and win by getting everyone involved while shooting well over 50 percent from the field himself.
Magic was truly magic and Toronto would for sure be on its way really quickly to being an all-around team that could compete for a title right out of the box. How could they not choose the greatest guard in Lakers history? Canadians aren't as dumb as you think.
With the 3rd Post Apocalyptic Pick Sacramento Chooses Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
28 of 30
At number three, Sacramento went with NBA all-time legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The city was inland near the San Andreas fault. The new basketball arena was located in East Sacramento, across the mile deep chasm from West Sacramento.
Jabbar was there at three and they picked him up. They know how dumb it is to make the wrong pick at three.
With the 2nd Post Apocalyptic Pick Minnesota Chooses Wilt Chamberlain
29 of 30
Minnesota would finally have a chance to win at something, but their biggest loss came at the unrelenting hands of 2012. Minnesota had once had a semi-dominant force in KG but this guy could score 100 points all by himself.
Wilt was an amazing defender and controlled entire games by himself. If the 11 other scrubs on the team couldn't score a point on any given night, Wilt would force it for damn sure. He wasn't a guy who could really set the team up but all the other 11 guys would have to do for their team to be good would be throw this guy the ball!
With the #1 Pick Of The Post Apocalyptic Era the Cavaliers Pick Michael Jordan
30 of 30
After years of languishing in multitudes of facets, Cleveland lost it's best basketball player and then became the worst team and then 2012 hit the world and forever changed the way we think. They did end up with the No. 1 pick in the new world order.
Finally they got to pick first and as they chose which player to start their new world order with, they scanned all the names of the best players ever and they easily and quickly and happily chose the greatest single player of all time—this guy was the best scorer ever, the best defensive guard of all-time, the most competitive player ever who never once lost in the Finals and was six for six in Finals MVPs too— this one man could change the world like no other player ever and he did.
And in the new world in 2013 when we can reproduce a player at his prime and you have in your hands the one chance to pick the player to be on your team you would admit to yourself too that YOU WOULD BE AN IDIOT NOT TO PICK JORDAN at No. 1.
He would do everything and anything needed to win and that is what we all want. Plus, he was so fun to watch...and he will be again in our forthcoming cyborgic near future!!!
