2011 NFL Wild Card Playoff Preview

PLAYOFFS?!  We’re talking about PLAYOFFS?  Yes, as the over-used joke states, it’s playoff time here at the TPS Studios and we’re about as excited as Brett Favre at a New York masseuse parlor. 

So excited in fact, that people at work can’t stop talking about their favorite Hogan’s Heroes moments.  Wait, what?  Yes, with the football playoffs upon us, I’ve overheard multiple people –MULTIPLE—conversing over the Bob Crane war dramedy.  I wish I was making this up.  It’s probably a sign I took a wrong career turn. 

Anyways, with the playoffs only a few days away, I felt at liberty to break down the upcoming matchups as only I could do: With very poorly researched opinions that have no statistical or analytical information to back them up.  Let’s get to it.

New Orleans Saints at Seattle Seahawks
Anybody else coming down with Charlie Whitehurst fever?  Symptoms may include: woefully missing targets, unexplained rash, puzzling interceptions, underwhelming an entire fan base and constipation.  If symptoms persist, consult your doctor about why trading multiple draft picks for a career back up signal caller was a terrible idea. 

Anyways, I can’t think of a worse way to start a playoff weekend.  Hopefully this is a reality check for Roger Goodell.  Hey Mr. Commissioner, maybe it’s just me, but wouldn’t you rather have the six best teams in each division sorting out your championship? 

Instead of an inter-conference showdown with Josh Freeman and the upstart Buccaneers (Record: 10-6) or perennial playoff contender Eli Manning and the New York Giants (Record: Also 10-6) we’re treated to Charlie Whitehurst’s 7 and 9 Seattle Seahawks.  This makes as much sense as the BCS system.  I’m not sure what’s going on in Seattle because I have no idea why Pete Caroll would leave the sandy beaches of sunny Southern California for the perpetually gray beaches of rainy Seattle. 

I guess the allure of coaching never-was running backs like Julius Jones, Leon Washington and Marshawn Lynch was just too much to pass up.  In all seriousness, if you’re wasting three hours of your weekend watching this game, you’re either:

a.) In a coma somewhere in Seattle or New Orleans and the nurse left the TV on FOX.
b.) Matt Hasselback
c.) A stalker who couldn’t afford to see Drew Brees in person this week
d.) A bitter Kim Kardashian

Sorry, I’ve already spent too many words on the meaningless matchup.

Final Score: New Orleans 34 – Seattle 6

New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts

Rex Ryan called this weekend’s matchup with Peyton Manning and the Colts personal.  “I don’t know when I’m going to beat him, but I want it to be Saturday night,” the New York Jets’ coach said Monday, looking ahead to a rematch of last season’s AFC Championship Game. “Is it personal? Yes, it’s personal. It’s personal against him, Reggie Wayne, all those guys, yeah. (Dwight) Freeney and (Robert) Mathis and those other dudes? Absolutely.”

 Does Reggie Wayne operate an Old Country Buffet franchise that refused service to Ryan?  Did Peyton Manning parody a foot fetish video?  The world may never know.  One thing I do know though is Peyton Manning thrives in these kind of games and Mark Sanchez possibly pees a little in his pants in these kinds of games.  Home field advantage and the Sanchize’s inabilities lead the Colts to a victory in this one.  If you’re watching this game, you’re:

a.) Hoping to catch another glimpse of Rex Ryan’s wife’s feet
b.) One of Antonio Cromartie's nine kids with eight mothers in six states
c.) A Sony executive
d.) A fan of seeing Mark Sanchez flail around like a wounded badger trying to complete an out route

Final Score: Indianapolis 21 – New York 13

 

Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs

Just like the arrival of my facial hair, I’m not quite sure on this one.  Neither quarterback seems up for the challenge of proving themselves worthy of anything other than producing 10-14 fantasy football points a week.  As a result, I’m torn. 

On one hand, the football fan in me is strongly pulling for the feel good Chiefs to pull off the upset, setting up a Cassell-Brady, Student-Teacher playoff showdown.  But the pretend football analyst in me says the sporadic Chiefs offense is just not enough to overtake the Ravens.  No one has really believed in the Chiefs all year, so I’m going with my gut on this one and picking the… Chiefs!  Upset special. 

If you’re watching this game, you:

a.)    Were brainwashed by Old Spice

b.)    Like low scoring football games

c.)     Enjoy watching unproven quarterbacks battle towards above averagedness

d.)    Want to reminisce about the days of Trent Dilfer and Trent Edwards

Final Score: (Upset special) Chiefs 13 – Ravens 10

Green Bay Packers at Philadelphia Eagles

After re-reading my Packers-Eagles preview, it reads more like a Chris Berman Two-Minute Drill.  For the sake of entertainment, you can pretend Boomer is reciting this to you.  Assuming you know who that is.  I’ll let you decide what words I added post-edit.

Michael Vick isn’t good any more. Blah blah blah. PRIIIIIME TIME.  I’m not buying the media talk this week, Michael Vick is a stud.  Like you don’t even need extra mounting provisions, you can mount a picture right on that guy.  Okay, that was a reach, but you get my point.  WHOOP! WES WELKER. I’m taking a rejuvenated Michael “Old Saint” Vick over a partially concussed Aaron “Will you be my neighbor” Rodgers in this PRIIIIIME TIME matchup. 

Why?  Because a 70 year old man equipped with a walker could run for just as many yards as the Packers running back by committee. WHOOP! THE OOOOOOAKLAND RAAAAAIDERS.  One thing is for certain, Donovan McNabb and Brett Favre will be cuddled up on a couch somewhere with a box of tissues RUMBLIN’ AND STUMBLIN’. Swami says final score, Eagles 27, Packers 14. NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS.

D’JaCaptain addition: If Rodgers scores a rushing touchdown, I can only hope he mimics using a cell phone to take a picture of his, ahem, mid-section.

If you’re watching this game, you’re either:

a.)    A sobbing PETA member

b.)     A sobbing Donovan McNabb

c.)     A sobbing Brett Favre

d.)     A sobbing Brett Favre’s penis

Final Score: Eagles 27 – Packers 14

Until next week.