2010 NFL Regular Season Recap: Sexy Subplots and Some Intermittent Football

Try to remember an NFL season defined so largely by sexuality as 2010. Try hard. And when you have exhausted Google and all mental resources, concede that it has never happened and return to a few of those "research" pages you came across.

The salacious stories that pervaded the NFL this year may have led the league down an irreversible path that I, for one, embrace and furthermore suggest we up the ante.

I propose that next year each team is required to submit a penis picture of its starting quarterback to be used in a guess the identity game during Pro Bowl weekend.

Take your watches off boys; let's see if this doesn't make more people tune in.

I propose a reality show on the NFL Network in which the most followed Twitter Ho of each of the top 10 (yardage) wide receivers compete for a guest host spot on next season's T.Ocho show. I also propose that "Twitter Ho" be added to the OED.

I propose mandatory pregame Viagra roulette among the members of the special teams to see once and for all who the most special really is.

I propose ESPN Undressed.

But until these ideas come into effect, which surely they will, let's take a few moments and reflect fondly on what we already have:

Tom Brady's hair: While not a sex story per se, the revealing of Brady's flowing locks set the right tone to start the year.

It also led directly to the probably-never-happened-but-I'm-hoping-it-did Moss-Brady "I don't like your hair!" "Well I don't like your beard!" fight and Damien Woody dissing the new style and declaring allegiance to Mark Sanchez's hair.

Personally, both of those guys are a little too clean cut for me. Give me the bearded mountain man from the great northwest.

Well hello Charlie!

Sex Tapes: Poor Brandon Spikes right? In a normal year, this guy would have been able to parlay his webcam shenanigans into at least a VH1 show, but he's not even in the top five in this rambunctious season.

Admirable ability to multitask though, I can barely chatroulette and chew gum at the same time.

The more memorable performer in this particular medium is Rex Ryan. This was probably my favorite story since it involved consent, fidelity and feet. It just kind of makes you smile whimsically and think, "those crazy kids."

Speaking of, doesn't Rex Ryan kind of remind you of Jerry O'Connell in Stand By Me? I bet if Rex Ryan could only have one food for the rest of his life, it would be cherry flavored Pez too.

Spunky QBs: I want to leave these alone because they are pretty serious and sad and have gotten way too much coverage already. The word "consent" does not apply here.

Inez Sainz: The lesson to be learned here? More supermodels in NFL locker rooms.

On second thought, let's not even limit it to locker rooms. We should start encouraging supermodels to interact with players during their private lives as well, at clubs and online. Supermodels should arrive with players at the stadium and accompany them afterward to their personal chambers.

Oh wait...

The best thing to come out of this one was Clinton Portis's take on the situation and the return of "package" as a viable euphemism for the male appendage.

Apologies to those not mentioned (Tiki, LT), and remember to always wear a condom while watching NFL football.