2010 Vikings the Next in Long Line of Minnesota Sports Disappointments

Tyler ConwayOct 9, 2010

When thinking of the most tortured sports fanbases, not too many people would think of Minnesotans.

The Twins are perennial contenders despite being a small-market club (wholly untrue now, but that's still public perception). Since 1986, the Vikings have only had four losing seasons and have spent much of that time playing playoff football. The Timberwolves hit the jackpot with forward Kevin Garnett in 1995 and spent much of the following decade as Western Conference contenders.

They're not exactly wallowing in the dregs of mediocrity.

TOP NEWS

Bleacher Report1w

Bleacher Report1w

Bleacher Report1w

So, following the Vikings' pilfering of Randy Moss from the Patriots for a third-round pick Wednesday, giving their penis-showing quarterback a much-needed deep-play threat, many have instantly re-vaulted Minnesota into the NFL's elite.

In the beginning, I was with them.

On Wednesday, I sent a series of expletive-laden texts to my buddy Joel, a Vikings fan, which was a representation of how incensed most fans of receiver-needy teams (such as my Redskins) felt in the wake of Minnesota getting Randy Moss for only a third-round pick.

That was until, following a text in which I wished for bodily harm on Moss, Joel sent me this sobering message: "Hey, hey, hey, easy. I don't deserve that. I know deep down this is all another tease. Another thing to get my hopes up, only for them to be shot down hard. It's the Vikings. Let's get serious."

As someone with experience rooting for a Minnesota sports team, Joel realized something well before I ever could: This thing was doomed from the start.

It's doomed because Minnesotans, and especially the Vikings fans, are among the most tortured groups of fans in sports.

They are not victims of the season-by-season buffoonish incompetence of Clevelanders (although David Kahn is trying) or victims of desertion like Seattleites (well, they could be if the Vikings don't get a new stadium).

They are victims of something I would argue is much worse: "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride" syndrome.

The clock strikes midnight on the aforementioned Cinderella Twins in every Divisional Series. The perennial contention of the Vikings since 1986 has resulted in exactly zero Super Bowl appearances. And the Garnett-led Timberwolves spent seven seasons losing in the first round before finally making a deep run in the playoffs, and still heartbreakingly lost under suspicious circumstances to the Lakers.

(And, in case you don't remember, Garnett won an NBA championship the season directly after he left Minnesota for Boston.)

The Vikings' trade for Randy Moss is a desperate attempt to reverse decades of coming up short.

Teaming Brett Favre with the receiver he's always wanted to play with is only going to empower Favre's grip on the team, something Brad Childress has desperately tried to quell.

The Vikings are a team with issues much deeper than a superficial lack of a deep threat. It's a fundamental power struggle between a Hall of Fame quarterback and a coach that even the most optimistic fan would call "limited."

And then you add Moss, a player who almost came to blows with coaches last Monday, to that equation.

In columns over the past week, both ESPN.com's Bill Simmons and Foxsports.com's Jason Whitlock have the Patriots dealing of Moss to the crazy hot girl you date, have a "fun time" with, and then cut ties with before things get too emotionally involved.

Apt analogy.

Only it doesn't apply on the other half of the spectrum. The Vikings, whether they realize it or not, are married to Moss.

They're the downtrodden 42-year-old investment banker who just lost his wife and job, so he goes back to his hometown for a weekend to clear his head. On a night out with the guys, he happens to run into his old flame, now a still hot single mother of two.

The two get to talking and start hitting it off, but he knows the risks; he's been there and done that. However, as the night goes on and drinks keep flowing, he talks himself into the "one more time couldn't hurt" theory that all guys with crazy exes conjure up when trying to justify an attempt at a one-night tryst.

Only this night ends up with a drunken declaration of love, a red-eye flight to Vegas, and a night of unprotected "whoopie."

One refusal of annulment and pregnancy test later, the man realizes he just made the biggest mistake of his life.

Vikings fans are about to realize the same thing.

Minnesota's second dalliance with Moss is a marriage that's bound for an ugly divorce. Whether it is quick and relatively painless as the team crumbles under the weight of its murderer's row schedule or long and painful as yet another season ends in a heart-wrenching playoff defeat, it's ending. Badly.

Just ask any unlucky bastard who made the gravely unfortunate mistake of marrying a crazy hot chick.

And with divorce, it's not ever the mother or father that is most hurt by the split; it's the kids (fans).

In this case, these are kids whose lives have been spent suffering one heartbreak after the next.

Sorry kids.

Week 5 Picks

Last Week: 8-6

Season Record: 31-28-3

Lock of the Week Record: 2-2

Denver (+7) over Baltimore

Jacksonville (+1.5) over Buffalo

Indianapolis (-7) over Kansas City

Detroit (-3) over St. Louis