NFL Predictions: Jaded and Indignant Provide Some Week 5 Insight (...Or Not)

Standings through week 4:

Jaded: 35-27
Indignant: 37-25

After 4 weeks of football we only truly understand one thing: we understand that we understand nothing.  Ordinarily we strive for two things when we post these picks, we want to be right and we want to be at least a little bit entertaining.  The records thus far indicate that we're doing above average in one category but our lack of feedback from our readers pretty much means we're not funny.  That said, this week we're introducing a new goal:  we want some comments!  Call us morons, call us clueless, just call us something!

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Giants at Texans
Jaded:  Last week Arian Foster was late to a meeting and Derrick Ward scored a touchdown during Foster’s one quarter suspension.  If Tom Coughlin were to employ a similar policy I would expect Ahmad Bradshaw’s tires to get slashed pretty regularly while Brandon Jacobs wears out his hunting knife.  (Texans)

Indignant: Watching the Giants storm the Bears line last week and pummel cutler over and over again must really have the Texans worried about their protection schemes. Or maybe they just reminded themselves that Cutler was too busy chasing around MTV reality show zombie chicks to actually watch film. They also remembered they suddenly have the best running game in the league. Seriously, where did that come from? Not them being good, but the name Arian. Were his parents not quite ballsy enough to go with Adolph or Whitey? (Texans)
   
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Jaguars at Bills
Jaded:  Here’s why Marshawn Lynch got a better deal than Trent Edwards:  he doesn’t have to be on the sideline for this snooze-fest.  (Jags)

Indignant: If this were 1999, this would be a good game. We’d be hearing about a playoff preview between Brunell’s Jags and Flutie’s Bills. I feel bad for the fans of these franchises in Buffalo and Jacksonville. And also their future fan-bases in Toronto and Los Angeles. (Bills)

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Bears at Panthers
Jaded:  Remember that beating Cutler took Sunday night in New York?  You know how he was blindsided repeatedly, pounded into the ground, picked back up, and then had the whole process repeated until he was damn near unconscious?  …We Panther fans wish we felt that good.  (Get used to this analogy; I’ll be using it again when Carolina runs into Vick at some point.)  (Panthers)

Indignant: Todd Collins’ career record as a starter in the N.F.L: 10-10. The date this game will be played: 10-10. Coincidence? I say yes. Good god, you’d have to point a gun at my taint to make me watch this game, and I’d still weigh my options. (Panthers)


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Falcons at Browns
Jaded:  Another hundred yard game for Peyton Hillis wearing a Cleveland Browns uniform can only mean one thing:  God is going to air mail the tape from ‘The Ring’ to him in the next few days.  I wonder if Samara likes Great Lakes beer?

Indignant: Is it me or does Matt Ryan look like Chuckie from the Rugrats all grown up? I really don’t buy the “Matty Ice” nickname. I’m not saying he’s not cool under pressure – I’m just saying he looks like way too big of a dork to have such a cool nickname.  (Falcons)

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Buccaneers at Bengals
Jaded:  “CIN: some score TB: some smaller score.”  That’s what I would see roll across the ESPN ticker if this was the only game on TV as I watched professional bowling on ESPN2.  That said, can we start calling Caron Palmer Ham-bone?  He’s on at LEAST his fourth gambling strike by my count.  (Bengals, I guess.)

Indignant: Are we all on the “Cincinnati was a fluke last year” boat yet? I’m sitting here waiting for you guys; much like a Bengals receiver waiting for a wounded duck from Carson Deadarm to come floating down. Only that ball will never get there, but you will all be joining me here very soon. (Bucs)

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Chiefs at Colts
Jaded:  ‘Awww, you’re so cute,’ said the 1972 Dolphins to the 2010 Kansas City Chiefs as they patted them on the head condescendingly and handed them a swirly lollipop.  (Colts)  

Indignant: The Colts team is like a fat kid on a see-saw. If you’re not getting me, the fat kid is the Colt’s offense and the skinny kid is their anemic, atrociously flawed defense. I think Jamal Charles and Thomas Jones probably run for 300 yards, but there is no way Peyton lets this one get away. (Colts)


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Broncos at Ravens
Jaded:  I could try and figure out something analytical to provide for this game, or I could just picture Tim Tebow chasing Ray Lewis with Holy Water screaming ‘The power of Christ compels you’ over and over again.  I wonder which I shall choose.  (Ravens)

Indignant: “Well. . I still think we’re better without them, so ppllllhhhhhppppppp (rasberries)..” _ Chicago Bears’ organization when asked about having traded Kyle Orton and his neckbeard. (Ravens)


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Rams at Lions  
Jaded:  It’s so much fun watching a number one overall pick with a history of injuries come into his own and carry a terrible team back towards mediocrity.  It’s refreshing to see proof that the NFL draft can work and instantly give your franchise hope, ya know?  Ooooooh, you thought I was talking to you, Detroit?  Eeeesh.  Well, that’s certainly awkward, my bad.  (Rams)

Indignant: Sam Bradford might look like he is 12 years old, but he plays like a man. Looks like the Rams have stacked up some nice picks, now all they have to do is figure out how they’ll mess it up. Good thing their in Detroit this week, so they can grab Matt Millen’s contact info. (Lions)

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Packers at Redskins
Jaded:  Does anybody else see the similarities between the 2010 Green Bay Packers and the 2003 Indianapolis Colts?  Sure, the Colts had a 1200 yard rusher in Edgerrin James, but I think a young quarterback becoming a superstar with a fledgling receiving core and a ‘What?  This isn’t NFL Blitz?  We have to run the ball’ mentality shows promise of a loooong reign of agitating other teams in the league.  The difference is the Packers are scarier on defense now than the Colts ever were.  Translation:  Expect Aaron Rodgers to sign endorsement deals with Visa, Gatorade, and Joe’s Crab Shack very soon.  (Packers)

Indignant: Let me get this right? Many pundits out there have now placed the Dallas Cowboys back into their top 10-15 teams this year and have still kept the Redskins in the lower half. Despite the Redskins handing Dallas their asses in week 1 and beating Philly in a pretty substantial in-division game last week. I think both teams are fairly mediocre right now at week 5. Maybe one or the other will be decent by week 12 and I’d put my money on the team with the more sane ownership; that my friend is even a closer call to make. ( Packers)

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Saints at Cardinals   
Jaded:  Larry Fitzgerald is a genius (and a freaking saint), this month he’s donating $1,000 for every catch and $5,000 for every TD to Breast Cancer Awareness.  Translation:  if you vote for Kurt Warner on Dancing with the Stars you hate women.  Kurt will be in Arizona in no time and Fitz might actually see a pass or two come near him.  Fitz wins, women win, and most importantly horny young men everywhere win.  (Seriously, screw Breast Cancer!)  Oh yeah, Saints win too.  (Saints)  

Indignant: More like Max Huh? Amiright, amiright? I’d imagine Larry Fitzgerald is feeling a little like a battered wife at this point. Probably getting his hopes up. . . ‘it’s going to be better this time – we’re going to be so happy.’ ( Saints)
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Titans at Cowboys
Jaded:  Jerry Jones likes Oklahoma, right?  Would he be booed out of the state if he gave Vince Young the upside down Longhorns hand-signal before this game?  Come on; tell me you wouldn’t love to see Wade Phillips flashing the sign on the sidelines!!  At least then he’d be doing something. (Cowboys)

Indignant: I wonder what the Cowboys did during their bye week. Possibly watching Dez Bryant agree to carry anything anytime, from wherever to wherever Roy Williams would like. Or maybe just going out for all you can eat fish and chips at Arthur Treacher’s and sticking Dez with the $55 bill. (Cowboys)
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Chargers at Raiders
Jaded:  The scene opens to a disgruntled San Diego quarterback urinating on his linemen, bitch-slapping his coach, and verbally insulting the mothers of his wide receivers.  This goes on for several minutes until the curtain slowly falls and the show comes to an end.  Al Davis leaves his wheelchair for the first time in twenty years to give a standing ovation.  (Chargers)

Indignant: I’ve decided that if someone was to take a fire extinguisher to Ghostrider’s face you’d get to see something very very similar to Al Davis. You could also throw a glossy track suit on Skeletor and say the same. I think the Chargers should be about through their early season haze. (Chargers)
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Eagles at 49ers
Jaded:  Honest question.  Does the support group for Kevin Kolb, Mike Singletary, Alex Smith, and the 49er faithful meet before or after the game?  (49ers)

Indignant: As a 49ers fan, I can honestly say that I am pretty pissed about the notion that we need a support group!  . . . we meet on Tuesdays at 9pm, right after the Mike-Sims-Walker-Fantasy-Owners-Anonymous meeting. (49ers)

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Vikings at Jets   
Jaded:  I love primetime football!  Santonio Holmes comes back from a drug suspension, Braylon Edwards plays after a DUI, Randy Moss whines his way out of another jersey, and a 40 year old drama queen who refuses to show up for training camp gets a brand new toy.   Why are parents letting their children stay upon a school night and watch these guys again?  (Jets)

Indignant: Let’s see how long of a run-on sentence containing as many Brett Favre penis allusions I can write: I really think Brett will have his hands full with the Jets and their rock-hard defensive strategy which will certainly not be flaccid in their coverage schemes against Randy Moss, but instead will be rigid and wizened in their sure to be ballsy tactics.  (Jets)