20 Questions from Week 3 In the NFL: Is Charlie Batch For Real?

Two weeks ago today, this column seemed like a splendid idea. The sun was out, the air was cool, the Giants were coming off a satisfying win against a pesky foe, the Jets were a laughing stock and the Eagles franchise QB just had his clocked cleaned by Clay Matthews, necessitating relief by a former federal prisoner who hadn't started a football game in four years, and even then, looked pretty terrible as pocket passer. My, how things have changed.

Those who are close to me will tell you that this reversal of fortune has much to do with this column. You see, I'm something of a "Mush" when it comes to my observations and predictions. Look no further than my critique of the Bills for benching Trent Edwards last week. I blamed the team, not the QB, for failing to protect the QB and failing to provide him with viable receivers. What happens next? Ryan Fitzpatrick replaces Edwards, completes over 70 percent of his passes (he's never averaged higher than 60 percent completions in a season), and throws two touchdown passes against the Patriots (he threw nine all of last year).

Oh, and for an extra kick in the nuts, the Bills CUT Trent Edwards, the same guy they had planned to build their franchise around throughout the offseason. He's now unemployed because I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Welcome to Jacobson-ville. I hope you enjoy (mocking me during) your stay.

1. Does anyone remember how positively mediocre and disinterested Mike Vick was as the starting QB of the Falcons? Allow me. In 2006, his last full season as a starter, Michael Vick completed only 52.6 percent of his passes and threw 20 TDs against 13 INTs for a QB rating of 75.7. Today, he's completed 60.7 percent of his passes (career high), and has thrown six TDs against zero INTs in 2 1/2 games for a QB rating of 110.2 (career high by a mile). That's like going from Danny Wuerffel to Joe Montana. So hey, if any of you out there in reader-ville are looking for motivation, 21 months in a federal pound-you-in-the-ass penitentiary just might do the trick.

2. Is that all you got, Arian Foster? Your yards per carry numbers notwithstanding, you have GOT to punch that ball in at the goal line against the Cowboys if your team is going to claim royalty status in Texas. I hate to admit it, but that was a heck of a goal line stand by the Cowboys to open the final period, and likely, the key sequence in the game. In other news, Japan also made a sweet goal line stand against Paris Hilton when it turned her away at the border for being an embarrassing skank.

3. Are you going to ask for reparations, Albert Haynesworth?  Clearly, after being paid tens of millions of dollars and being asked (the horror!) to convert from a 4-3 DT to a 3-4 NT, you should seek slave reparations from the federal government.  Check out this quote:

“I guess in this world we don’t have a lot of people with, like, backbones,” Haynesworth said. “Just because somebody pay you money don’t mean they’ll make you do whatever they want or whatever. I mean, does that mean everything is for sale?

“I mean, I’m not for sale. Yeah, I signed the contract and got paid a lot of money, but…that don’t mean I’m for sale or a slave or whatever.”

Rrrrrrrrright. 

Have I mentioned how much I love having Dan Snyder in my division?  

4. Is Peyton Hillis Sicilian?  I can't remember the last time a Caucasian running back had a performance like that, and against Ray Lewis' Ravens, to boot!  The only explanation I can think of is that Hillis is Sicilian and is descended from Sicilian women who were ravaged by the Moors during their occupation of the Italian island in the ninth and 10th centuries. 

5. Did you know it costs the government 1.4 cents to make a penny? Did you know that the U.S. Mint makes 1,000 new pennies every second? Your tax dollars at work, baby! In the time it took me to write this snide dig at the government, we wasted about $12,000 in tax dollars making pennies that nobody wants. And yet, Sherrod Martin was only fined $5,000 for trying to KILL Kevin Boss. That just ain't right.

6. How did Darren Sproles get so small? Rumor has it, he was a witch back in high school and botched a certain spell, accidentally transforming himself into a munchkin. Let's ask the man himself:

"Yeah, I may have dabbled a bit with witchcraft in high school," Sproles said.  "But really, who didn't? Ya know?"

7. Is there any reason to be cheerful today, on this dreary, overcast, humid Tuesday morning in Manhattan? Yes, there is. "Fireman" Ed Anzalone got arrested for assaulting a Giants fan during the Giants vs. Jets preseason game! I'm not sure how he'll have time to appear in Court, however, given his hard work at claiming disability from the fire department and being a mascot for a professional sports franchise. Our prayers are with you, Edward.

8. Is your resume ready to go, Garrett Hartley?  You simply don't miss a gimme field goal in overtime and keep your job in this league, not when the kick was inside 30 yards.  Buh-bye. 

9. How is it possible, in the year 2010, that athletes are still using the "my over the counter supplement contained a banned substance" argument? Duane Brown, starting LT for the Texans, was suspended for four games by the NFL for "unknowingly taking a supplement containing a banned substance" (a/k/a he took steroids). So how did this happen? Was Brown galavanting around Tijuana and poking himself with unlabeled syringes by accident? Did he buy protein powder from GNC that mysteriously had deca-durobolin in it? Puh-lease Duane, do you think we're stupid? You cheated, you got caught, move along and don't waste our time.

10. Speaking of stupid, do you also think we're stupid, NFL owners? You seem to be pressing forward with this 18 game schedule nonsense, but in reality, we all know it's just a classic negotiating tactic for the upcoming collective bargaining agreement negotiations—give the players what they already had. So the owners will pretend they want an 18 game schedule, but when they get to negotiations with the players union, they'll relent and give the players something they want—a 16 game schedule (which they already have). The owners will then expect some type of concession in response. I just hope DeMaurice Smith is up to the task, because nobody wants to see more concussions or more injuries, even if it means two more weeks of real games.

11. Who, among the key players in Sunday's games, had the highest AYPC (average yards per carry) in college in the year 2006? Adrian Peterson? Ahmad Bradshaw?

Nope.

Danny Woodhead averaged eight (8!) yards per carry on 344 carries in the year 2006 at Chadron State College in Nebraska. For you math majors, that's an astounding 2,752 yards rushing that season. But yeah, Tannenbaum, Joe McKnight is clearly better. Fumbleaya, fumble-rooskie!

12. "How can you be so obtuse?" asked Vincent Jackson.

"What? What did you call me?" AJ Smith responded, brimming with fury.

"Obtuse," Jackson said. "Is it deliberate?"

"You bet your skinny ass it is," Smith said.

13. How much longer will David Diehl last at left tackle? When you get beat to the point of attack (beat like a stiff, by the way) by an oafish, Caucasian defensive end in Dave Ball, it's time to start asking the question, particularly when a capable former Pro Bowl player in Shawn Andrews is waiting to crack the lineup. Come to think of it, since when did both Giants tackles become old, angry and stupid? Kareem McKenzie took two bone-headed personal foul calls, both in front of referees, because the Titans were making fun of his furry upper arms all game.

14. Whose heart will Brett Favre break next? After he inevitably retires or gets fired by the Vikings this season, he'll technically go back into the player pool, enabling any QB-starved team to entice its fans with visions of Favre for an entire offseason. Ah, who am I kidding? The only pool he belongs in is the swimming pool at Del Boca Vista.

15. What more can I say about Michael Vick? He's just in the zone right now. Last time he was in the zone like this, he killed three wounded pit bulls with a single swipe of his meat cleaver. Impressive (I hate the Eagles, by the way).

16. Does Ahmad Bradshaw have fumble-itis? In three games he's already lost two fumbles, matching his total for the year 2008-2009. It's not time to panic on that yet, however. A large percentage of fumbles, in my opinion, are strictly due to bad luck. You can't always equate a fumble with a player's poor ball-handling skills. Regarding Bradshaw's big fumble in the third quarter, he was stretching away from a would-be tackler for extra yardage and another defender hit his forearm at the exact moment it was away from his body. You can't exactly coach a player to prevent that from happening. I would like to see a little more "high and tight" though, Ahmad.

17. Why'd you shave the beard, Braylon? I was really digging the Soul Glo look that you had going on there, beads of sweat, motor oil, whatever, glistening in your man-bush under the hot lights...ahem, where was I?

18. What was THAT, Eli? Believe it or not, Eli has tried that left-handed shot-put throw before, but it's never looked worse. There's no explanation for throwing the ball awkwardly, with your left hand, into triple coverage at the goal line. Amazing that we still see erratic plays like this from an otherwise efficient and collected QB. It could have something to do with the fact that the offensive line is already making Mahjong reservations and eating dinner at 4:30 p.m.

19. Did you overpay for Brandon Jackson in your fantasy league?  In one of my leagues, Jackson was a free agent after Ryan Grant went down and an unfortunate owner paid $27 for his services.  This is how we run our waiver auctions—coveted players go to the highest bidders, as opposed to the guy who was lucky enough to be sitting in front of his computer when roster changes were made.  The lesson, as always, is that most fans (myself included) don't have a clue what's going to happen in the NFL.  Fullback John Kuhn averaged about five yards per carry last night, whereas Jackson rushed for 12 yards on seven tries.  Ouch. 

20. Did you know that Charlie Batch is the September recipient for the AWARE (arming women against rape and endangerment) award?

Charlie, a family man who is known for his charitable contributions, particularly his "Best of the Batch" foundation, did his best Rapistberger imitation by...not forcing a drunk college girl into a bathroom stall and preventing her friends from helping her by blocking the entrance to the bathroom with his bodyguards...not slobbering all over a drunk college girl and repeating "but I'm Ben Roethlisberger, you HAVE to f*ck me"...by not riding a motorcycle without wearing a helmet...instead, by playing efficient, no-turnover football and letting the Steelers win the game the way they've been coached to win: don't make stupid mistakes and play great defense.

Now, last time I went out on a limb in this segment, Trent Edwards was put out to pasture and then summarily turned into glue when he couldn't consummate. So I'm not going to go crazy. But if Batch continues to play at this level, you have to think that Small Ben's leash is going to be a tiiiiiiiiiny bit shorter when he comes back from serving his suspension in Week 6. Incredibly, the Steelers have a real shot of going 4-0 without their franchise QB, whereas my beloved Giants can't block Dave Ball. Football, ladies and gents, is not all fun and games, as it would seem.