20 Questions From Week 2 In The NFL: Is Trent Edwards' Leash Too Short?

Ahh, humble pie. So warm, gooey and unsatisfying. Much like kosher-for-passover dessert, it looks OK, but tastes all kinds of wrong going down.  In my case, it also left me with a wicked case of heartburn, undoubtedly exacerbated by watching my beloved Giants get their clocks cleaned by the Colts.  But hey, when you revel in the misery of others, when you pluck the strings of the Schadenfreude fiddle a little too forcefully, you've got to be accountable.  So yeah, the Jets aren't that bad, the Eagles aren't doomed (yet) and the Cowboys will still be competitive this season.  But man, it was fun to watch them squirm for one week.  

1. Who are you kidding, Brandon Jacobs? You stunk up the field (again), tried to dance around tacklers despite your sluggish girth, got chewed out by Coughlin and then...accidentally threw your helmet into the stands? You meant to throw your helmet "down," but since your finger got caught in the ear hole it ended up 10 rows into the stands? Past the buffer zone between the bench and the first row? You are SO lucky the cameras didn't catch that and you better pray some idiot with an iPhone camera didn't.

2. How closely does David Diehl resemble a revolving door?  Not at all, but he can't block a speed rusher for sh*t.  Paging Shawn Andrews.  Paging Mr. Andrews to the left tackle spot.   

3. Is Jahvid Best a pit bull owner?  That's the only rational explanation for his performance against the Eagles.  He absolutely mounted that defense on a rape stand and electrocuted it.  

4. What is responsible for the monstrosities that Ed Hochuli refers to as his biceps?  Steroids?  Creatine?  Bicep implants?  Seriously, those things scare me. 

5. Where did that come from, Mark Sanchez? You looked like Ines Sanchez the first week, and now all the sudden you can play? Now you're (ugh, the horror) the "Sanchize" again? Amazing how things open up when Ray Lewis isn't making you piss yourself before every play.

6. Why are people surprised that Mike Vick did well against the Lions? He had plenty of practice executing dogs a couple years back (too soon? nah). He's got the Jaguars coming up in week 3, and after Kevin Kolb gets yanked (guaranteed), Jack Del Rio should have the ASPCA on speed dial.  Get it?  They're all animals!  

7. What happened to the offensive lines in the Bears/Cowboys game?  Both Matt Forte and Marion "Marianne" Barber averaged fewer than three yards a carry.  Ron Dayne used to get that much yardage just by falling down face first into a plate of pancakes.

8. What was Braylon Edwards doing immediately before he was pulled over for a DWI last night? How about multiple choice? Wonderful suggestion, Michael.

a) Stroking his beard and gazing, longingly, at his reflection in the mirror
b) Letting an easily-catchable object slip through his fingers
c) Chasing Jackie Chan around and screaming in a high pitch
d) Cruisin for hookers after a night of drinking (ahem, this is the correct answer)

9) What's worse, walking into a crowded nightclub with a loaded gun stuffed into the waistband of your sweat pants, with no safety catch, immediately after stealing a Thanksgiving turkey, or driving drunk the night after a clutch performance and a season-saving win? Morally and intellectually speaking, what Plaxico did is worse, in my opinion. What Braylon did is just delicious, considering how everything went well for the Jets on Sunday. I'm sensing a 4-game suspension.

10) "Um, hi, Kurt? You busy? How 'bout a cheeseburger? No? OK, but your wife looks like a man." - Ken Whisenhunt.

11) Did you see how pissed Jason Witten was after he was taken out of the game? Now that's a football player (albeit one with inevitable post-concussion syndrome). Hey, at least someone wants to play football in Dallas.

12) Why are football fans (myself included) so fickle? First the Jets stink, now they're great. First the Giants are great, now Coughlin should be fired. Hint: The Bucs aren't as good as 2-0 and the Cowboys aren't as bad as 0-2. Lot of ball left to be played, gentlemen.

13) Did you know Joe Flacco was colorblind?  That's the only explanation I can think of for throwing four picks against the woeful Cincinnati Bengals defense.  Sh*t, the Bengals D had as many catches at Mr. Ocho Cinco did.

14) How does one get knocked out of his survivor pool in week 2? Easy, by picking Matt Moore's Carolina Panthers to beat the Tampa Bay Bucs at home. Duh.

15) What's more depressing, the fact that Denver Broncos players are trapped in a looping version of "Final Destination," or that Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton can't get any significant jail time despite blowing lines in Court?  I demand justice, goddammit.

16) How old are the Minnesota Vikings? Favre's ankle is held together by butcher's string and prunes, and their top two receivers need hip replacements after straining themselves playing shuffleboard on the loveboat cruise.

17) How bad is Matt Moore? How bad is Jason Campbell? How bad is Derek Anderson? I'm not sure, but I think the teams around them are more to blame. Carolina, for one, hasn't been able to find a #2 receiver in about five years, and after leaning on their offensive line, it's finally starting to wear down.  Oakland has some players but also has an owner who is more senile than Gena Rowlands' character in The Notebook (go ahead and tell me you didn't like that movie.  Go ahead!). Arizona's defense is atrocious after losing Dansby and Antrelle Rolle, but it's fine because God will take care of them, right Kurt Warner? Kurt? Hello?

18) What's the story in Kansas City?  Thomas Jones, another biceps warrior, got twice the carries Jamaal Charles did and that has GOT to piss off a number of fantasy owners who selected Charles with a high pick.  Charles looked pretty solid last year and makes plays with the ball in his hands.  Don't be sour on him just yet. 

19) "Which one of you f*cking honkeys do I have to kill to get a f*cking time out around here?" - Mike Singletary.

20) Is the leash on Trent Edwards too short?  For that matter, are coaches getting a little short with their starters, generally speaking?  We've played only two games and there are, at minimum, seven teams with full-blown quarterback controversies for one reason or another (seven!).  The plight of Trent Edwards (already benched in favor of Ryan Fitzpatrick) strikes me as particularly odd.  You see, in order to play well at the QB position, you've got to have time to throw.  Not every QB is Doug Flutie or Fran Tarkenton.  Edwards had grass stains on his back before he knew what hit him against Green Bay this past weekend.  Is Clay Matthews that good?  Maybe.  But it seems to me that the Bills offensive line is more to blame for Buffalo's woes. 

Keep in mind that Buffalo GM Buddy Nix let Terrell Owens walk and replaced him with...Steve Johnson?  No wait...David Nelson?  Who the heck are these guys?  Seriously, who is Edwards expected to throw to, Roscoe Parrish and Lee Evans?  He's got no pass blocking, the single worst starting tight end in the league (Jonathan Stupar - yes, that's a real person), and a leper colony at wide receiver.  Rather than create a scapegoat and bench the guy because he can't stay on his feet, how about...oh I don't know...surrounding him with other football players?