College Football's Terrible Ten: Week 3

College football is past its quarter turn, and Ron Zook is stumping through Illinois like Abe Lincoln on the election trail.

Southern and Northern Illinois have both fallen before the mean, marching Zookies, and now they patiently await Ohio State and a possible return to the Terrible Ten.

Leaves are starting to turn, mascots are going mad, Big Red still has the blues, Rudy was a ruse, and the Irish of South Bend still remember how to lose.

Other tough questions linger in the air.

The Big East is bad, but the ACC might be worse, and why do they play football in the state of New Mexico anyway?

And is Rufus the Bobcat actually joining SAMCRO on Sons of Anarchy this season?

1] Western Kentucky Hilltoppers [0-23]

After Rufus the Rabid Bobcat bashed Brutus Buckeye during Saturday's Ohio vs. Ohio State game, Mascot Medical Monitors are worrying that Mascots everywhere are becoming mentally unbalanced.  

Big Red, the Hilltoppers' mascot, has also been acting bizarre of late.

Hilltoppers fans are worried Western Kentucky's 23-game losing streak and Big Red's fascination with alumnus John Carpenter's horror films could have disaster results.

Recall Carpenter's remake of The Thing?

What horror would go slumbering around Hilltopper country if a Big Red gone bad somehow merged with Wilford Brimley?

2] The New Mexicos Lobos and Aggies [0-5]

Sad times in Billy the Kid country, where the Lobos have been laced 180 to 31 this season, while the Aggies have been annihilated by a mere 83-31 spread. 

Still that means the New Mexicos are down a whopping 263 to 63 so far this season.

If their seasons were a fight, the referee would stop it.

Still, someone has to win when they meet in their own Lincoln County War in a few weeks.

3] UNLV Ran Over Rebels [0-3]

Hold fast, New Mexico Lobo fans, for the routed Rebels loom.

The Rebs have been rolled all over the west the last weeks, losing to the Utah Utes and the always dangerous Idaho Vandals.

The Rebs should have played the debauchery-filled Vandals at home because when a Vandal is unleashed on a City of Sin, his degenerate mind wanders to pillage, fire, and dissipation, not passing, tackling, and running.   

4] Notre Dame Fighting Irish [1-2]

After calling out the flick Ruby as a rube-filled fake and rotten ruse, Joe Montana has taken up Leprechaun tipping.

Every time he spies a lecherous leprechaun or Lou Holtz leaping about, he beams the wee creatures with a well-aimed pigskin bullet pass. 

In a particularly malicious episode, Montana actually stuffed Regis Philbin into a Lucky Charms box while shouting Knute Rockne All American was a horrid mess of a lie-filled film and that Darby O'Gill and the Little People was all black lies.  

If anyone encounters Montana drinking Tennessee bourbon with Rufus the Rabid Bobcat and Russ Francis, I'd advise folks to avoid them if at all possible.

5] Colorado State Rams [0-3]

The Rams are down 106 to 19 for the year, but what's worse, they let Colorado's Dan Hawkins put the spurs to them.

With the vicious Idaho Vandals, TCU, and an angry Air Corps looming, it looks like a Rocky Mountain low of a season.

6] Ole Miss Ran Over Rebels [1-2]

The last time Rebels got run over like the ones in Vegas and Mississippi, Generals Grant and Sherman were seeking surrender terms.

It has to especially sting when it's a school started in the South by a rich Yankee called Commodore Vanderbilt that's doing the routing.

The Jeremiah Masoli-Houston Nutt offense seems mired in the mud, but the defense is even worse.

Nutt's seat could be hotter than the True Blood vampire king of Mississippi sizzling in the summer sun.

Houston Nutt could be on the roaster if this continues.

7] North Carolina Tar Heels [0-2]

Some coaches have signature wins to turn programs around, but it seems like Butch Davis has only been collecting signature losses and suspensions since rolling into town.

8] Virginia Tech Hokies [1-2] 

Are the Hokies that angry at Boise State that they are going to take a dive for the entire season just to bang Boise out of the BCS title game?

9] Marshall Thundered Herd [0-3]

All those offensive and defensive problems, and now they have to face Rufus the Rabid Bobcat this week too.

10] Tie: Cincinnati Bearcats / Connecticut Huskies [2-4]

A pair of ball clubs picked by many to win the Big East have had a blah blah start to the season.

The Big East badly needs a national invigoration. Any chance the Pittsburgh Panthers incinerate the Miami Hurricanes on Thursday?