College Football's Terrible 10: Week One

Sadly summer is slowly sliding by. But football is just starting to swing and some teams are already feeling the sting of a sorry season's start..

Who looks bad, sad, or just plain rabid billy goat mad?

It's early in the season but some teams get the dying summer blues before the leaves start to cry and die.

Who has the early season Albert King blues?  

1] Ole Miss Run Over Rebels [0-1]

The Masoli Nutt over time offense could not save the run over Rebels,

The Rebels, once leading 31-13, let the Jacksonville State Gamecocks take them like Grant took Vicksburg.

Across the SEC fans, players, and coaches are silently snickering and slow roasting the Nutt.

2] The Big East [0-4 in games that mattered, 3-0 against Mythical Roosters, second rate Spartans and zapped Zippers}

Last week the Big East beat up on some weak sisters, Akron Zips, Norfolk State Spartans, and the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers but when they ran into schools from the big boy conferences, Utah, Kentucky, Fresno State and Michigan they melted like a tropical marshmallow.

Not a good start for a league that needed some big wins against some legitimate out of conference opponents. 

3] Los Lobos of New Mexico [0-1]

The only time the Oregon Ducks smacked some one worse was than Los Lobos was when the quack attack sank the Puget Sound Loggers by putting up 115 points in 1910.

Logger football has never been the same.

Does the same fate await football in the land of Billy the Kid?

4] UAB Blazers [0-1]

Two touch down dogs Howie and the Owls made the favored Blazers howl.

Despite the onset, and self importance, of the highly paid super boomer coaches old Howard Schnellenberger might still be the best strategic coach in the land.  

5] Western Kentucky Hilltoppers [0-21]

The Hilltoppers, carrying the nation's longest losing streak, face a Kentucky team that laid Louisville low last week in the Gonzo Bowl..

The winner will be the King of Kentucky and get to be shot down by Marshall Raylan Givens outside a coal mine turned meth lab on next season's Justified.

6] Jake Locker's Heisman Hopes [0-1]

Heisman winners at so so schools have to make those final quarter game winning drives to secure a shot at the big prize.

Still assuming the Huskies don't choke swallowing the Syracuse Orange this week Locker has a shot at a redemption song against Nebraska shortly. 

7] San Jose State Spartans [0-1]

What sadist set the San Jose Spartan schedule?

The soon to slaughtered Spartans draw Alabama, Wisconsin, and Utah, all on the road, in the first four weeks of the season.

That's like a poor amateur pugilistic fighting Jack Dempsey, Ali, and Joe Louis within a month.

Did the same sick sadomasochist soul that designed the San Jose State schedule plan the venomous double dose of Brent Musburger to start college football's prime time season?

Is there a plot, pardner?

8] Illinois Fighting Illini [0-1]

Ron Zook's plan to change his ball clubs mojo by renaming himself Zookie after True Blood's magical Sookie failed miserably as the Not So Fighting Illini stalled as usual late in the loss against Missouri.

Still Zookie knows powerful other worldly forces fight on his side....how else did he keep his job? 

9] Colorado State Rammed [ 0-1]

If Colorado Dan Hawkins and his Buffalo Show had not rolled over the Rams Hawkins had plans for a farewell press conference and a long walk off into the mountains the Rockies like Jeremiah Johnson.

Hawkins even had his farewell lines planned. .

I ain't never seen 'em, but my common sense tells me the Andes is foothills, and the Alps is for children to climb! Keep good care of your hair! These here is God's finest scupturings! And there ain't no laws for the brave ones! And there ain't no asylums for the crazy ones! And there ain't no churches, except for this right here! And there ain't no priests excepting the birds. By God, I are a mountain man, and I'll live 'til an arrow or a bullet finds me. And then I'll leave my bones on this great map of the magnificent...

10] Memphis Tigers [0-1]

Even if the Tigers are tooth less New Memphis head man Larry Porter always has music, ribs and Graceland to fall back on after each Tiger taming. 

Now about that offense Larry...

Route of the Week

Alabama over Penn State

A freshman quarterback and bad offense line will make Joe Paterno long for the days of battling Bear Bryant.

Things were simpler, Pennsylvania steel was still swinging, Jerry Sandusky was at State, and potential Lion offensive lineman stayed in state.

Alphabet Bowl

UAB vs SMU

Sound like a police checkpoint repeat after me sobriety test. 

Now say it backwards. 

Ambush of the week

Florida State Seminoles over the Oklahoma Sooners

If Big Game Bob Stoops is bombing in the fourth quarter at home against the Seminoles he ought to considering donning a General Custer outfit and singing Garry Owen to rally the boys. 

Is that a long line or are you just happy to see me line

Iowa State getting double touchdowns against Iowa in the war for the Cy Hawk trophy seems a bit much....or does it?

Have a hemlock or go to the Game of the Week game

Rice Owls vs North Texas Mean Green

Well at least its not the Cleveland Browns taking on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at a hundred bucks a ticket and ten bucks a beer.