NBA Offseason Awards: Movie Style!

That's right folks. We're going to have our very own NBA awards show hollywood style. 
That means, no MVPs or ROYs. None of those, they are standard NBA awards. Instead we're going to have two categories of awards. The Best "insert award here" and Worst "insert award here" awards, taken from typical movie award shows.

Before we get started, I want to explain some IMPORTANT terms that you SHOULD READ which I will be using in this article.

NOTE: I will be using them interchangeably

"The Director" = The Head Coach

"The Producer" = Team Owner/General Manager

"A Movie" = An NBA Team

"Actor" = A single NBA player

"Cast" = A group of NBA players

"Editing Team" = Front-office of an NBA team

So with that in mind, we can start the article. And keep in mind folks, This Article is somewhat for humor purposes so try to get a good laugh and not take everything so seriously, as the article has a satirical and sarcastic tone to it. 

Best Director: Doug Collins

"What? Me? for this award? aw shucks, you shouldn't have."

If I could list all of the Sixers' moves this offseason, I would simply need a post-it to write on. My point being, they made such few moves, that you could count it on your fingers. 

Many would say that the high point to the Sixers offseason (if there actually was one) was the drafting of college basketball stud Evan Turner. However, I tend to differ. As great of a player Turner may turn out to be, it still doesn't overshadow the fact that the Sixers biggest and most noteworthy offseason change was that of hiring new head "Director" Doug Collins. 

It's been years since fans have seen Collins' directing days, but now we'll finally get to see him go to work. Collins is an exemplary "director" that's changed the culture of every movie he's directed.

The teams which he takes over has always seen an improvement in wins and that says something about the quality of the coach. 

While Collins may not have the most talent in Philadelphia, he'll do all he can to make it work. He's got a young cast member in Evan Turner, who if coached the right way, can become a really special player. Collin's has a great history of being able to develop young player very well and Turner should benefit from his teachings. 

He'll also do all he can to utilize the team's current cast star Andre Iguodala and the team's forgotten cast star Elton Brand and attempt to help both go back to actually "loving" the game. He's create trust withing his players and coaching staff and begin to build a winning culture in Philadelphia. 

Yup, Philly got a good one. Congrats. 

Worst Director: Larry Drew

"How's that? Do I look like an NBA coach now?"

Let's get the obvious out of the way. The Atlanta Hawks hired this guy for one reason and one reason only: MONEY. 

That's right. 

The Atlanta Hawks made some questionable moves this summer to say the least. First and foremost, they "accidently" fired former Head Coach Mike Woodson. And I say "accidently" because I don't think they should have in the first place and will soon regret it. Under the tutilage of Woodson, the Hawks had improved for 5 consecutive seasons. They became a solid playoff team and the "actors" and "crew members" finally found a "director" they could trust.

Then for whatever reason, the Hawks decided to fire Woodson for the Hawks losing to a powerful Orlando Magic team that it was SUPPOSED to lose to. Weird, huh?

Well that wasn't all, instead of keeping "Director" Mike Woodson, the Hawks decided to vastly overpay for their lead actor Joe Johnson, who no matter how you put is in no way,shape or form a MAX player.

Well now they've got Drew running the show and if we don't know what his ceiling is, then look no further than the former bulls head "director" Vinny Del Negro. He was hired by the Bulls for the same financial reasons. He compiled an unimpressive record of 82-82 over 2 seasons, even when he had All-Star PG Derrick Rose and emerging big-man Joakim Noah. 

Now we expect Drew to do better than Del Negro?

Not happening. The way I see it, Larry Drew will be nothing more than a "figure head." He'll be happy to just survive in the job as long as he can, because we all know he won't determine how far the Hawks go this year. 

Best Producer: Pat Riley

Pat Riley: "I actually had this planned out since Lebron's high school days."

The easiest award by far.

Pat Riley wins this one running away and no one is even close.

I'm sure you even know why he wins it. Coming into the summer of 2010, Riley had a plan all along, after all it's not a coincidence that all the Heat players' contracts were ending this summer. He wanted to do the unthinkable and it didn't even matter what any one else thought. All he needed was confidence in his abilities and the backing of his star player Dwyane Wade. 

Just weeks prior to the free-agent frenzy of 2010, Riley began dumping players left and right. He THREW away the former No.2 overall pick Michael Beasley to the Minnesota Timberwolves for a mere second round pick and flicked away Daequan Cook to the OKC Thunder. With just young point guard Mario Chalmers on the roster, locked into a relatively cheap contract, Riley was ready to execute the plan. 

With millions of dollars of cash in one hand and Dwyane Wade (re-signed) in the other, Riley went for the kill. He signed All-Star power forward Chris Bosh, Sharpshooters Mike Miller, Eddie House, veteran big men Zydrunas Ilguaskas, Juwan Howard, rookies Dexter Pittman, Da'sean Butler and Resigned solid role players Udonis Haslem, Joel Anthony, Jamaal Magloire, James Jones and Carlos Arroyo. Am I forgetting anyone? Oh yeah...

And Riley also lured in the 2x NBA MVP, 6x All-Star, 4x All-NBA first team, 2x All-NBA first defensive team, 2x All-Star game MVP, former Rookie of the Year and Scoring Champ, Lebron James. 

Oh yeah, he definitely DESERVES this award. Good job, Pat. 

Worst Producer: Michael Jordan

MJ: "Gerald, do you really think I'm that bad?" Gerald Wallace: "Uh huh"

Put down your knives and pitchforks everybody. Yes, I realize I have selected the beloved MJ for a negative award, but I stand behind my statement. 

Just when you thought the Bobcats were going to be a force in the east, coming off of their first playoff appearance in franchise history, Michael Jordan becomes majority owner of the Bobcats AKA "The Producer." 

In that short period of time, Jordan has actually done more than enough to win this award easily. Lets see here...

He failed to re-sign Raymond Felton, who signed with the Knicks for a very AFFORDABLE contract that the Bobcats could have kept him for. Now they have young DJ Augustine and the injury prone Shaun Livingston as the only true point guards on this team, and neither of them are starting caliber. 

He then signed Tyrus Thomas to a 5 year $40 million contract. Excuse me? Tyrus Thomas? The same guy that has averaged 8 points and 5 rebounds a game for his career? The same guy MJ's former team the Bulls couldn't wait to get rid of? Oh yeah, splendid signing Michael. 

He traded away Tyson Chandler for an expiring contract in Erick Dampier (who's been waived already). Chandler was the team's only starting caliber center and now their left to start Nazr Mohammed or DeSagana Diop. Ouch!

Last but certainly not least, Jordan signed his former No. 1 overall hand-picked player Kwame Brown. A man who's notorious for being one of the biggest draft busts in history. On top of that, he also signed Darius Miles, a washed up swingman who hasn't been on an NBA court in years. 

In conclusin, MJ has done a terrible job being the "producer" for this "movie" as the Bobcats don't really seem to have a bright future right now. But who knows? that may all be a part of MJs plan. 

For now, he's wins this award in a landslide. 

Best Debut: Blake Griffin

"Ok, let's try this again"

The power forward spot has become one of the strongest positions in the NBA nowadays. 

But there really hasn't been a clear cut single power forward that is considered the best at that position since Tim Duncan's decline. The other positions in the league are clearly taken. 

Best point guard going to Chris Paul, shooting guard Kobe Bryant, small forward Lebron James, center Dwight Howard. 

See anything missing.

Enter Blake Griffin. 

The Clippers will cast the young Griffin as the lead actor in their movie this season and he's got a chance to become one of the elite power forwards in the league sooner rather than later. 

Last year's number one overall pick is loaded with potential and has all the skills and physical tools to excel as a top NBA PF.

Lets see: Insane Athleticism (check), NBA big man body (check), Superb rebounder (check), Superior strength (check), Good Hands (check), Decent post moves (check). 

What more do you want in an NBA Power Forward?

Blake Griffin will make his long awaited debut this year and show the world why he was the No. 1 overall pick and why the Clippers should now be relevant. 

Go get 'em Blake. 

Worst Debut: Tracy McGrady

Tracy Mcgrady: "Haha, the Pistons though Allen Iverson was bad, wait till they see me on the court."

Ah, the world famous Tracy McGrady. 

The 7x All-star, 7x All-NBA Teamer, 2x scoring champ and former Most Improved Player of the Year Tracy McGrady was at one point competing with Kobe Bryant for the title of best player in the NBA. 

Unfortunately, that was a while back. Now, several seasons and numerous injuries later, Tracy McGrady has found a chance to revive his career.

Yes, that's right. Tmac has finally found an NBA team. The winner of the Tracy McGrady sweepstakes were the Detroit Pistons. And what a perfect fit. 

Tracy McGrady is looking for a chance to make himself relevant in the NBA once again, while the Detroit Pistons are looking for anyone/anything to also make them relevant once again in the NBA. But unfortunately for them, Tracy McGrady won't be their savior. 

According to this award, Tracy McGrady will have the "Worst Debut" in the NBA of any player. 

There is really no way McGrady can excel. Best case scenario: he somehow finds a role within the crowded cast of overpaid and washed up "actors" in Rip Hamilton, Ben Gordon and Tayshaun Prince. He manages to somehow bring back that scoring prowess and help the Pistons get a few more wins. What happens now? do they pistons extend the 31 year old McGrady to another contract for 4-5 more years? my guess is no. So that means, McGrady really has no long-term future with this team even if he plays up to par. 

And if he regresses and plays terrible? then forget about it. The Pistons will cut McGrady faster than he can blink. 

It's really a lose/lose situation for Tmac. 

Best Editing: Chicago Bulls

New Bulls Jersey's on sale now . Also giving away free "now useless" custom made Lebron James Bulls Jersey's.

Wow, what a great editing team. 

When making a movie, it's immensely important to have a great crew which does the best editing overall when the movie is finished and completed.

They make sure to find the right cast members and keep the right parts and cut out the necessary ones. . 

The Chicago Bulls did just that. 

It all started with the signing of Carlos Boozer to help play the lead role alongside the Bulls current star Derrick Rose. He'll provide them with a low-post presence they've lacked since Elton Brand's early years. 

Then the Bulls crew went ahead and got Sharpshooter Kyle Korver and Defensive swingman Ronnie Brewer. Both these players addressed major needs for the Bulls. Korver provides the much-needed outside shooting and Brewer provides the lock down perimeter defense needed to stop guys like Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant, Joe Johnson, etc. 

The Bulls crew didn't stop there though, they went ahead and signed the explosive scoring PG C.J. Watson, defensive stalwart Keith Bogans, veteran enforcer Kurt Thomas, and improving foreign big man Omer Asik. 

The Bulls crew did a masterful job, plain and simple. 

Worst Editing: New Jersey Nets

"All of us put together equals Lebron James"

I can just imagine the group of Nets' "producers" Jay-Z and Mikhail Prokhorov sitting in their outlandishly expensive office discussing their plan before the summer of 2010. 

Prokhorov would say "I'm a billionaire that's willing to spend any amounts of money to make this team a contender, and your a world-famous rap star that's got connections with the top NBA stars of this summer's free-agent class. So together, we can't lose" 

Wrong. 

All the New Jersey Nets did this summer was lose. 

They weren't able to lure in ANY of the top free-agents of this summer's class which included Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Amar'e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer, Joe Johnson, David Lee and Rudy Gay. 

Lebron, Wade and Bosh shut down the Nets all at once. 

Amar'e didn't want to wait for the Nets to move to NY in 2 years so he went straight to the Knicks. 

Boozer didn't even give the Nets a chance to match the offer the Bulls made him. 

David Lee decided he had enough of the eastern conference and decided to take his talents west coast. 

Joe Johnson and Rudy Gay weren't even given a chance to play around with the Nets, as they re-signed with their respective teams very quickly. 

So what did that leave the Nets with? 

30+ million in cash and an array of role "actors" aka role players. 

So the Nets did the only thing they could, by signing Anthony Morrow, Travis Outlaw, Jordan Farmar and Johan Petro in what was arguably the most star-studded free-agent class ever. 

Pathetic. 

Best Supporting Actor: Lebron James

Lebron: "Psshhtt....Dwade. I'm ready to become your robin if you help me win a title. Pleaseeeee."

One of the main cast members of the Miami Heat, Lebron James has gone from starring in countless movies to now playing sidekick to the lead actor. 

In this case, Dwyane Wade. 

I can't really blame Lebron. When he was the lead actor for his films with the Cavs, he would always be argued as either the best actor or second best actor in the NBA with fellow Hollywood superstar Kobe Bryant. It was never unanimous. 

Well by signing with the Heat, he doesn't have to worry about any more uncertainties. 

He has assured himself as the BEST supporting actor in the league. No one even comes close. Whereas with being the best actor, he had competition. He doesn't have anymore and can now do all he wants to do without the one thing that he hates: Pressure. 

Kudos to you Mr. James, You've finally found your calling. 

Worst Supporting Actor: Drew Gooden

Drew Gooden: "$32 Million baby! Hell Yeah! Here I come Milwaukee!"

That's right Drew

Flaunt that cash. All $32 million of it. 

No, that wasn't a typo. Drew Gooden got paid, and got paid big time. The Milwaukee Bucks were feeling really generous this summer and decided to pay $32 million to a player who's been on 8 teams in 8 seasons. Ouch!

This past season was highly significant for the Milwaukee Bucks as their young center Andrew Bogut finally had his breakout season. Before that horrendous arm injury, Bogut was arguably the best center in the east, second only to Dwight Howard. He's now become the Bucks franchise and best player AKA the "star actor" of their movie. 

The Milwaukee Bucks felt as if they needed to get Bogut a supporting frontcourt player this offseason, as veteran big man Kurt Thomas fled to the Bulls. As free-agency began, the Bucks had a plethora of options for the PF spots and instead of going after adequate talent such as Udonis Haslem, Luis Scola or Al Harrington, the Bucks settled on Drew Gooden on Day 1 of free-agency. And while, Gooden is a decent player, he's nothing to brag about. 

So while, the Lakers have Bynum, Gasol; Celtics have Garnett, Perkins; Magic have Howard, Bass; Bulls have Boozer, Noah, the Bucks will have future All-Star Andrew Bogut and journeyman Drew Gooden. 

Fortunately for Bucks fans, history has shown that Gooden won't be with you guys for long. 

Best Movie: Miami Heat

Dwyane Wade: "Ahhh...It's feels good to be the King"

Wow, what a fairytale. 

NBA fans all around the world thought it would never happen. Heck, it never even entered our minds, that 2 of the top 3 players AKA "actors" in the NBA would join forces and act in the same movie with another top 15 actor. 

Never in my wildest dreams would I thought it would happen. 

Well I can thank Dwyane Wade and Pat Riley for making it happen. 

First, Dwyane Wade for some great acting this offseason (only second to Amar'e). He had teams such as the Chicago Bulls and New York Knicks dangling on his fingers. He would have two interviews, talk to the media, play the guessing game when all along he had a plan. To get his two best buddies on his team. 

Pat Riley was the man who came up with the idea and convinced Wade that it would work. All of a sudden, the Heat were clearing out their rosters like it was spring cleaning time. They even gave away the former No. 2 draft pick Michael Beasley to the Timberwolves for a measley 2nd round pick. 

Now with all the cap space in the world, they executed their plan brilliantly. Re-sign Wade (check), convince Bosh to come (check), lure in Mr. James and convince him to play second fiddle to flash (check). Convince stars to all take less money (check). Fill out rest of roster with decent-to-ok talent, i.e. Mike Miller, Udonis Haslem etc. (check). 

By far the best Movie made this summer, star-studded cast, emerging director, masterful producer and more. 

Be sure to check out the Miami Heat, in theaters this October. 

Worst Movie: Detriot Pistons

Rip Hamilton: "Man, I miss 2004, don't you tayshaun?"

Man, this is getting annoying to repeat over and over again. 

The Pistons need to wake up and enter the year 2010 because it's obviously not 2004 anymore. 

They've got everything you DON'T want when making a movie. Overpaid actors (Rip Hamilton, Ben Gordon, Charlie Villenueva), terrible director (John Kuester), stubborn producer (Joe Dumars) and old washed up actors (Tracy McGrady, Ben Wallace). 

Until the Pistons realize this and go forward with a major roster overhaul, they'll continue to rack up the "Worst Movie" award. 

Best Actor: Amar'e Stoudemire

Reporters: "We want to know how you scammed the knicks into giving you a $100 million."

Amar'e Stoudemire for Best Actor? Yup.

I'm still puzzled as to how a guy who's had two major knee surgeries and a highly significant eye surgery which nearly left him blind and caused him to lay face down for 22 hours straight, convinced the biggest market team in the NBA to shell out $100 million dollars for him in GUARANTEED money. 
Now I realize how he was able to pull it out.

By Acting. 

Stoudemire takes the cake for his tremendous acting during this last season and the offseason by first of all, by having a career year in his contract year and upping his averages by 2 more points, 1 more rebound and playing all 82 games in the season. And then by playing the waiting game with the Phoenix Suns and convincing the Knicks that he would deliver them Lebron James. 

Brilliant acting by Amar'e Stoudemire. The man is clearly smarter than he looks. 
Hopefully he'll be able to carry that career year over to the Knicks and bring some life back to NYC.

Because if not, things could go downhill for him....Ah, who am I kidding, he's locked in for 5 years.
Nothing to worry about Amar'e. 

Worst Actor: Joe Johnson

"I know, I know! I don't deserve $120 million"

Ah finally, the most un-coveted award of the day AKA "The Worst Actor" award. After much debate, the lucky winner of this award is none other than Mr. Joe Johnson. 

When Joe Johnson is the leading "actor" of your "movie" then it's not going very far. 

Harsh, right? well it's true. 

Joe Johnson is an interesting player and not necessarily in a positive way. As the current "star" actor of his team, Johnson loves being "The Man" and being able to do whatever he wants on the court and being able to be credited for being the biggest part of his team's victory even if he did little to garner it. On the other hand, when Johnson is faced with adversity, such as his team repeatedly being knocked out in the playoffs, he runs away faster than Usain Bolt. You see, Johnson doesn't like the negativity part that comes with being a star in this league. But that's not how it works.  

Luckily for Johnson, the Hawks bailed him out BIG TIME this summer. They gave him, what no one else probably would have given him and that's a max contract. The Hawks panicked and Johnson benefited. Now he'll be making $24 million dollars at the age of 35. Yikes!

I guess Johnson averaging an astonishing 12 ppg in the Orlando Magic series showed why he deserved $120 million.