LeBron James Signs With ... Everyone! (Satire)

In a startling conclusion to the most sought-after free agent chase in NBA history, LeBron James has reached agreement to sign with all 30 teams, in one of the most unusual contract arrangements the league has ever seen.

Said NBA Commissioner David Stern: "This is a historic day for the NBA. This landmark deal allows for each of the 30 NBA teams to share in this free agent prize and reap the benefits of 'The King' equally."

As part of the agreement, James will have his salary paid by all 30 clubs, and will alternate games with each team throughout the season.

Here's what LeBron had to say about the signing(s).

"I just couldn't make up my mind — all of the presentations were just so darn endearing", James said wiping away a tear as he spoke. "A King shouldn't just hold court with one loyal subject, he should be free to allow all of his jesters, er, I mean, subjects to kiss the golden ring."

As part of this historic agreement, James gets to annex the Strait of Hormuz, and as such, has agreed to play for the United Arab Emirates league during each summer.

James is expected to help the Persian Gulf Oilers compete for a title against their fierce Israeli rivals, the Iranian Nuclears.

James will get a share in the oil that is transported via the petroleum -exporting Persian Gulf.

A critical part of the deal was revealed by James on Sunday.

"When David Stern agreed to send his first born male child to Cleveland in a sign-and-trade, that sealed the deal."

When Chris Bosh discovered that joining LeBron would not mean his salary would be multiplied by 30, he opted against it and re-signed with the Raptors.

When reached by phone, the Heat's Dwyane Wade had this to say about the deal: "Once the season has gone through its tenth day and LeBron is playing for a team, we will know where he is playing. Until then, I cannot eliminate Chicago from the conversation."

The Bulls Derrick Rose said that he will not rule out a LeBron signing with Chicago until James enters the Hall of Fame. "At that point, we will have a clearer picture of where he will be going. Until then, all Hail the King!"

When the news of the contract reached the Clippers front office, a visibly relieved Elgin Baylor said that this could save his job. "Though I was fired more than two seasons ago, this is the kind of news that can save a man. I wouldn't be surprised if Red Auerbach comes back to life," said an emotional Baylor.

When news of the LeBron decision reached the White House, President Obama said he would now call off plans to nuke Cleveland.

"Without 'The King', there simply would be no reason for 'The Mistake by the Lake' to continue", said Obama. "Now, the recession has officially ended."

When the news reached Michael Jordan, he faxed a two word statement that simply read, "I'm back."