How New York Giant Fans Can Win an NFC East Title (Humor)

Michael FitzpatrickFeatured ColumnistApril 22, 2010

DENVER - NOVEMBER 26:  Giants fans were looking blue as the Denver Broncos defeated the New York Giants during NFL action at Invesco Field at Mile High on November 26, 2009 in Denver, Colorado. The Broncos defeated the Giants 26-6.  (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)
Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

Giant fans, for the first time in the history of the NFL, we have the ability to literally win the Giants an NFC title.  

As we all know, accusations are enough to get NFL players suspended these days, so, let’s mobilize.

The Giants will be taking on the Colts in week two at Indianapolis.

Obviously there’s only one way to beat the Colts, and that’s to shut down Peyton Manning.  So, let’s do it.

I’ll need someone to make a trip to Indianapolis, head out to a few bars and restaurants that Manning is known to frequent, take a pint glass, break it over your head and accuse Manning of assaulting you.

Bang, three game suspension and our Giants will be taking on a Manning-less Colts team in week two.

Let’s see what else we have. 

Ok, week seven at Dallas.   A tough game on paper, but we can certainly take care of that.

I’ll need one taker to fly to Dallas the week of October 11th, visit Tony Romo’s hangouts get a buddy to hit you a few times and then accuse Tony Romo of assault.  That should carry at least a two game suspension and take him out of action for week seven of the season.

I’ll need another taker to fly to Dallas that same week, rent a car, take a baseball bat, bash out the car windows, and then accuse Jason Witten of property damage.

Bang, another two game suspension and now our Giants are facing a Romo and Wittenless Cowboys team in week seven.

Ok, next up is the Giants at Minnesota in week 14.

With Favre gone, the Minnesota offense will need to rely heavily on Adrian Peterson in 2010.  Let’s give our defense a break at that late juncture of the season and take Peterson out of the equation.

Let’s go down the Michael Vick route with this one and not only get Peterson suspended, but get the animal rights activists after him as well.

Yup, let’s accuse him of attending and betting on dog fights.

Oh boy, he could be in big trouble with this one.  These accusations, despite being completely false and not being corroborated by any evidence whatsoever, could carry with it a whopping five-game suspension.

After all, the NFL wants nothing to do with another dog fighting ring.

That takes care of Peterson for week 14 and will likely eliminate him for any early round playoff games as well.

Giants at Packers, week 15.

We don’t want Eli Manning to have to lead five touchdown drives in the cold, miserable frozen tundra, better known as Lambeau Field.  Aaron Rodgers has got to go.

I’ll need a taker to head to Green Bay the week of December 13th, rent a car and drive it off the road, without injuring yourself of course.

Next, you’ll need to accuse Aaron Rodgers of running you off the road and engaging in reckless driving.

Good old Roger Goodell can definitely be counted on to toss a two-game suspension Rodger’s way for this kind of accusation.  And two touchdowns will probably give the Giants a win in week 15 at Green Bay.

That’s it Giant Fans.

Thanks to the NFL’s absurd personal conduct policies, we the fans have the power to alter an entire NFL season by simply making false accusations about our opponent’s star players.

It doesn’t matter how ludicrous they are, as long as the accusations are made, Goodell will bring down the gauntlet and our Giants will cruise through their difficult 2010 schedule.


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