Tiger @ Augusta: Top Ten Winners and Losers

As they say in golf, every shot makes somebody happy. With Tiger Woods announcing that he is playing in The Masters, here are the immediate winners and losers:

Top Ten Winners:

1. CBS Sports & ESPN/ ABC, Especially the replay of first and second round on ESPN in the evenings for Thursday and Friday, when the story will be hottest. It should be the highest ever rating for ESPN.

2. Nike

3. Augusta National Golf Club

4. 3D TV set makers.  Can you imagine the hype of the Tiger fans wanting to see him return in three dimensions?

5. Ticket scalpers on Washington Road outside of Augusta National.

6. Any tabloid news outlet.

7. Mistress look-a-likes and mistresses, sure to be hits at any party in Augusta or at any Masters party anywhere.

8. Golf Media, they get first crack.  Not that they will get much news, but they do get first shot at Woods.

9. Economy of Augusta, Georgia, because prices are going up for everything. Anybody who wants a room or a house to rent, a party, catering, any meal in a 50 mile radius, any motel between there and Atlanta that has not already tripled its prices. Up, up, up.

10. PGA Tour, because if anybody thought the ratings were high in 1997, they have not seen anything yet. The Pope would have to walk on water, or a real living descendant of Jesus would have to be found for higher ratings.

Top Ten Losers

1. PGA Tour, for now, because he is not returning to a Tour event first. 

2.  NBC, because they are not carrying The Masters.

3.  Arnold Palmer’s tournament.

4.  TMZ, Inside Edition, Extra, National Enquirer, etc. because the only way they can get into Augusta National—as one of my late friends used to say, trust me on this—is to snag a ticket and see what they can see from outside the ropes with no photos, no access, and no shouting. 

5.  Whoever is paired with Tiger Woods—particularly Thursday and Friday. Their games will really suffer, and so one can only hope that Gary Player decides to take one for the Toon-a-mint, as they call it in the world of green jackets. I cannot think of anyone else who might want to be in that group, but Fuzzy Zoeller would sure make it interesting.   

6.  Whoever is paired with Tiger Woods on Saturday and Sunday. Let’s face it, they get the short straw.  I am not sure Hogan would have been able to carry this off, and he was, as they tell it, notorious for ignoring his playing companions.

7.  AT&T, because they are not on Woods’ golf bag at Augusta. Tiger will be on TV more than anybody else.

8. All other players at The Masters, because unless The Committee demands it, CBS will not show anybody else but Tiger Woods hitting a golf ball, or it will seem that way at least.

9.  Those golf viewers who want to see someone other than Tiger Woods hit a golf ball at The Masters, because they will not see much else.  It is going to be Tiger reaching for generic sports drink, Tiger taking off and putting on his glove, Tiger putting a tee in the ground, Tiger tossing up miniscule grass blades to test the wind, because it is so clean there you almost have to bring your own foreign grass blades the course.

10.  Families who have to explain to their 12-year-old children why they now want to watch Tiger Woods.  Will The Masters be censored by a V-Chip?

All that said, there are certain things that you can absolutely count on come Masters week: 

The crowds, if impolite, will be rearranged. Miss Manners will be in force.

Any shouting, shoving, pushing, or other bad behavior in the vicinity of Tiger Woods and a security guard will jump out from behind a blooming azalea bush, grab the offender by the scruff of the neck and ejected him or her faster than a Lanny Wadkins swing. Likely with an indelible ink “no return” stamp on the forehead. (Ok, I am kidding about the stamp, but if they think of it, they might just do it.)

Everybody and his cousin will want a memento from this Masters. Sales at the big merchandise building will top all previous records.

In ten or 15 years, it will be legendary, like Woodstock. The number of people who say they were there will quadruple or even quintuple.     

They will run out of pimento cheese sandwiches on the course.

On Sunday, Angel Cabrera will still slip a green jacket on someone, possibly Tiger Woods.

Here is my semi-Prediction, realizing that my Golf Crystal Ball is cracked, faded, and a little out of round. 

Tiger Woods may just be annoyed enough and outraged enough at the things that have been written about him in the last four months, that he takes it out on the golf course, shoots some unfathomable score—once again—and wins.

Do not be surprised if it happens.    

Then, what if he hibernates until the US Open?  Now wouldn’t that be something?