Imaginary Conversations With the NCAA Infractions Committee

Let me make this perfectly clear—I despise the NCAA Infractions Committee, specifically its heavy-handed tactics.

In fact, I celebrated when Oklahoma won on their sanctions appeal against the NCAA. Boomer Sooner, baby.

I hope to be saying Roll Tide Roll, Go Big Blue, and Fight On before this fall.

Michigan and USC are currently under the microscope, while Florida State already had its guts ripped out and spine removed by the NCAA. Alabama is currently waging a Sooner-like fight against the NCAA by calling their vacated wins sanctions, "excessive."

And they are, of course. Everything the NCAA metes out as punishment is excessive, isn't it?

I'll put a hundy on Bama getting their appeal enforced and the NCAA once again embarrassed over trying to punish a majority of players who never cheated.

While we don't know what, if any, sanctions will be forthcoming for Big Blue and La La Land, we can only imagine what kind of conversations have occurred between the NCAA and various teams' players.

Conversation between Michigan players and NCAA

NCAA: Your coaches didn't file timely CARA summaries. Naughty, naughty.

Players: We worked like dogs! And still stunk.

NCAA: Yes, and apparently you worked too hard. You're not in compliance. You are going to get sanctioned.

Players: But we did what we were asked to do! (insert here the court room scene from A Few Good Men where Pfc Downey says to Lance Cpl. Dawson, "What did we do wrong? We did nothing wrong!!!!!!!!")

NCAA: Yes, you did. You followed orders that were against NCAA rules. Haven't you read our 3" thick binder of rules and regulations?

Players: We don't know if we did. It's so confusing. We avoid contact with boosters and marketers, get good grades, train every week, memorize inches-thick playbooks and make the school millions. Isn't that enough?

NCAA: Hell no. We will hammer your team as a result of these infractions. We love nailing elite college football programs. It makes teams like Northwestern feel even more superior.

Players: What are the sanctions?

NCAA: Oh, probably our usual standbys: vacated wins, no post-season play and reduced scholarships. Plus the proverbial microscope up your a$& for the next few years. Live in fear, my friends.

Players: But we did nothing wrong. Why are the players getting punished? Is the coach getting punished?

NCAA: Rich Rodriguez? Of course not. We can't do anything to him, only you, the innocents. He still gets his $2.5 mil paycheck. Have a nice day.

Conversation between Florida State players and the NCAA

Players: Vacated wins? What are those?

NCAA: Vacate means to remove. So we are removing some wins from your '06-'07 records.

Players: So the other teams won, then?

NCAA: No.

Players: Who won?

NCAA: Nobody.

Players: Ah, so it's a tie then?

NCAA: No, it's just not your win.

Players: Wait a minute...my brother played at the Emerald Bowl in 2006, my dad taped the entire game. Florida State won 44-27 over UCLA. I have proof on video.

NCAA: You did not win.

Players: Yes, we did.

NCAA: No, you didn't.

Players: Yes, we did.

NCAA: No, you didn't.

Players: Yes, we did.

NCAA: Yes, you did.

Players: No, we didn't.

NCAA: Ha ha. Got ya.

Players: So what you're saying is, nobody wins?

NCAA: We are the NCAA, and as such, we make sure nobody wins. Have a nice day.

Conversation between USC players and NCAA

Players: So why are we getting the book thrown at us?

NCAA: Because your school lacked institutional control.

Players: But the coaches and school said they didn't know what was going on.

NCAA: Yes, but they should've known what was going on.

Players: Should have known? Is that part of institutional control?

NCAA: Yes, even if you don't know what was going on, if you should've known what was going on, then that's just as bad as actually knowing.

Players: How do you determine how someone should have known?

NCAA: We expect you to be mind readers.

Players: Do you have proof that something went on?

NCAA: No, but we think something went on. We are not a court, so there is no due process. If we think something went on, you have to prove it didn't. We are bigger than the Beatles. Nobody messes with us.

Players: But what if nothing went on?

NCAA: It doesn't matter. We think something did go on.

Players: So let's get this straight—you have no proof something went on. But our school should have known what was possibly going on over something you really have no proof went on? And you don't have to prove anything actually happened, but we have to prove that it didn't?

NCAA: Precisely! Have a nice day.

*all conversations are imaginary. This is satire. The author bears no responsibility or liability if any of the above conversations actually occurred. Which she thinks occurred. But has no proof they occurred. And all readers should have known these convos probably occurred, but the author has no proof.