Update Your Resume, The Nets Are Looking For A Coach For A Day

I just applied to be the coach of the New Jersey Nets.  Ok, not the coach but a coach.  So what if it’s just a contest?  They suck so hard I might just get hired.  I know how to draw up side out plays that end in shot clock violations, why not give me a gig?

Technically, you only have to fly coach (see what they did there?) from wherever you live to luxurious Newark New Jersey or some other close airport from which they will supply a car (read: KIA Spectra) and driver/homeless person to shuttle you to and fro the upcoming events that include:

Attendance of the morning practice: I imagine Brook Lopez staring at the back of Chris Douglas-Roberts jersey and contemplating the use of a hyphen in his own name.  Something like, “Brook NotRobin-Lopez.”   That would be followed by a layup line in which seventeen lights get put out and six balls get roofed over the scoreboard followed by a fieldtrip outside to watch Giants Stadium get torn down.

Official team training gear: Consisting of a pair of weighted Nikes, warm-ups that you’ll never take off if you ride the pine, a cup of yellow Gatorade (the most inferior color of Gatorade) and a sweaty ass towel that 11 other dudes already hit their hot spots with.  Congratulations, now you have Devin Harris crotch musk on your mug.  Smile, you’re officially a Net.

Lunch with a Nets executive: Don’t let them fool you; it’s really an interview lunch.  They will want to see if you have the stones to call wild plays in the face of inevitable defeat.  Just run a four man screen for BroLo by using the table condiments at the Denny’s you’ll be at.  Lopez will obviously be the bottle of Tabasco while the non-dairy creamer will clearly play the roll of Chris Quinn.  Guarantee a twelve win season, slam that plate of Moons Over My Hammy and sign on the dotted line, champ.

Attendance of the pre-game shoot around and assist in drills: You’ll be responsible for teaching Tony Battie how to grab more than one rebound a game and showing Yi Jianlian the proper way of using a fork…to jam into his ACL and end the season. Another task will be putting down Douglas-Roberts by telling him BluRays are the future and the only people that use CD-R’s are your mom and other Small Forwards.  Burn.

Pre-game dinner in the Winner’s Club restaurant: Presumably they will be driving you to Boston since they are the closest team with a winning record.  Enjoy The Hub and don’t forget your Charlie Card, Mass Transit cops are deceptively fast when you hop the turnstiles.

Two premium tickets to the game: Well shit, what if I sold those premium tickets outside for thirty eight dollars, bought silver level tickets for six and then just walked down to the premium seats?  Who’s going to stop me?  With an attendance of 1,016 you are damn lucky I even show my face in that arena.  At least the seats are comfy but damn are those team photographers a bunch of charlatans.  “We take your picture, give you this ID card, then you can go on the Nets website and pay massive amounts of jingle to download the picture we took of you not having a good time. Enjoy!”

Tour of the locker room: The New Jersey Nets: Where Despair Happens

Attendance at the post-game/loss press conference: Sit in the front row with the other three reporters and the illegal immigrant who mops up the tears while you stare into the vacant eyes of one Coach Vandeweghe who knows that you aced that Denny’s interview and are gunning for his job.  If you listen really hard you’ll be able to hear the muffled laughter from the ghost of Lawrence Frank.  Oh wait, he’s still there, he just doesn’t have anywhere else to go.

Yes, all that and more could be yours.  As long as you don’t have any pride and don’t mind sharing a state with those reality meatheads then you’ll fit in just fine.  This smacks of the “Coach for a play” contest that the Wizards held but I guess the worse you are, the more important your fans become.  Both economically and intellectually.

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