Mocking the Draft: NBA Draft Picks as Sitcom Characters

Did you ever wonder if…

The first five picks of the NBA draft could be characterized by sitcom characters?

Probably not—but when inspiration strikes, you just have to roll with it.  Let’s start at the top:

1.  Chicago Bulls, Michael Beasley, PF – Bart Simpson (The Simpsons)

The trite thing to say would be, “Which draft pick would be most likely to tell you to eat his shorts while he was throwing down a nasty dunk?”  However, the similarities between Beasley and Simpson run even deeper than that cursory comparison. 

First, both have a penchant for mischievousness.  Like Bart’s calls to Moe’s Tavern for I.P. Freely, Jacque Strap, and Hugh Jass (who’s an extraordinarily nice guy, by the way), Beasley is known for “signing” graffiti all over his high school. 

Second, when asked to try out, both Beasley and Bart faced questions about their height.  When the Radioactive Man movie came to Springfield, Bart was supposedly perfect for the part…except that he was two inches too short.

Beasley, on the other hand, might be the consummate power forward, but he might be only 6'7", or 6'10", or 7'4".  If we did this in meters, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem.

2.  Miami Heat, Derrick Rose, PG – George Costanza (Seinfeld)

What does a stocky, balding liar have to do with a stocky, ankle-breaking point guard? 

Both of these two will do anything they can to carry their respective teams to victory.  

For Costanza, it’s legging out a home run and pasting Bette Midler.  For Derrick Rose, it’s demolishing UCLA in a virtuoso performance in the Final Four.

Rose, as a point guard, and Costanza, as a short white guy, have been considered by many to be “chuckers.”

Co-stan-za. Ro-se.  By Men-nen.

3. Timberwolves, Brook Lopez, C – Steve Urkel (Family Matters)

Did IIIIII do that?

Oh snap.  I just did.

Urkel was the prototypical eighties' nerd trapped in a nineties' show.  That’s where these two share an overlapping background.  Brook is a nerd—okay, maybe not—but still he went to Stanford, right?  Sounds nerdy to me. 

He really likes Disney, and Family Matters was shown on ABC, which owns is owned by Disney.  See, I told you these comparisons were going to be deep.

Did I mention that Jaleel White had an NBA.com blog?  Who knew?

4. Supersonics, Jerryd Bayless, PG/SG – Al Bundy (Married with Children)

Basically, Jerryd Bayless spent the last year in his own personal hell.

That’s every day for Al Bundy, women’s shoe salesman and husband to Peggy Bundy.  With all the drama surrounding Lute Olson—leaving for good, leaving for a short time, coming back, getting rid of Kevin O’Neill—who needs it? 

Unlike Bundy, however, Bayless had a ticket out of hell and into the NBA.

But Jerryd never scored four touchdowns for Polk High School in the championship game.  Weak.

After all, who can't picture Kevin O’Neill, sitting on the bench, filing his nails: “Jeeerrrrrrryyydd…Let’s play defense...”

5. Grizzles, Kevin Love, PF/C – Lowell Mather (Wings)

Most pundits would have put Uncle Phil here because of the poofiness behind the jersey.

I see beyond those few extra pounds.

As an airplane repairman, Lowell worked for anyone who would hire him: Sandpiper, Aeromass, whoever.  Lowell rarely ever carried a full story on Wings, but he always filled the spots with his dry, pithy humor.  

Love rebounds, shoots the three, flings chest passes 70 feet, and plays solid defense.  He's like a cement sealer, filling every crack.  Indeed, you might even describe his game as workmanlike.

Picks 6-10 are located here.