WWE Wrestlers Who Could Be the Next President
This Sunday, WWE presents the 30th annual Royal Rumble, a Battle Royal in which participants enter the ring at 90-second intervals, are eliminated after getting tossed over the top rope and earn a coveted main event slot at WrestleMania should they be the last wrestler standing.
It features low blows, eye-gouging and vicious trash-talking, and the outcome is predetermined. In other words, it's a slightly more civilized competition than our most recent presidential election cycle.
WWE Superstar Dolph Ziggler made this connection in an interview with Fox News' Lisa Kennedy last year, going so far as to equate a presidential campaign to the Royal Rumble. In fact, this comparison has been made on numerous occasions, and we have one man to thank.
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Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States of America, has appeared on WWE programming multiple times, including the now-infamous moment when he was on the receiving end of a Stone Cold Stunner at WrestleMania 23.
Much of Trump's bluster and bravado evokes scenes of the squared circle more than the Oval Office. Time to embrace the new normal. Consider how efficient it would be if we didn't just eliminate the Electoral College but replaced it with an Elimination Chamber match? Only the most intimidating physical specimens could hope to qualify for the highest office in the land.
In the absence of our nation's leader being decided by televised combat, which pro wrestlers could actually do the job? Who in WWE has the same supreme self-belief, enthusiasm for addressing the public and utter lack of shame that characterizes our most successful politicians?
Boy, am I glad you asked.
The Rock
Dwayne Johnson has teased an interest in politics recently, and it's been floated that he would be a great opponent for Trump in 2020, per Vanity Fair's Paul Chi. (However, he's registered as a Republican.)
Johnson possesses an undeniable charisma and an incredibly sharp elbow, which would come in handy during any sort of violent altercation that might occur while on the campaign trail.
Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler's frequent appearances on Fox News give him a leg up on every other potential candidate.
The downside? The last time we had a president with long hair, women still wore corsets to places other than renaissance fairs and Las Vegas musical revues. To be exact, they hadn't even invented renaissance fairs yet, and Las Vegas was still a giant patch of sand.
This a roundabout way of saying a professional wrestler president can't look like a professional wrestler. Look at Trump. Despite being a WWE Hall of Famer, he doesn't appear particularly athletic. That leads me to my next candidate.
Stone Cold Steve Austin
To be fair to Mr. Austin, in his heyday, he was chiseled. He didn't have to be, though.
His appeal came from his anti-authority attitude and propensity to douse himself with beer at a moment's notice—two personality traits that will come in handy as he begins his crusade for public office.
Unfortunately, in addition to not having a long-haired president in some time, we haven't had a fully bald president. As Kevin Garnett would say, "Anything is possible." But Austin would be wise to consider a wig, toupee or even some radical hair transplant.
A thick head of hair is preferable for a president, which our next possibility knows well.
The man who portrays the character Kane, Glenn Jacobs, has been bald for a few years now.
The problem is, Kane has historically had a greasy mane of hair oozing out of his sweaty S&M mask. So, Jacobs wears a wig attached to his mask in order to play the classic incarnation of Kane, but when Kane is the far more docile, vulnerable Corporate Kane variation, he goes sans mask and wig.
What I'm saying here is that Kane is a perfect choice for president because we expect our politicians to be two-faced flip-floppers. Kane can't even settle on one personality, which means he'll never get stuck supporting an issue that's unpopular with the American people.
This assumes Jacobs would run for president in character. It goes without saying this is preferable, though the "Kane for President" signs might confuse people into thinking they're voting for Tim Kaine rather than the Demon Kane.
Look, I never said this would be perfect.
Stephanie McMahon
With her mother, Linda, taking a post in the Trump administration (Administrator of the Small Business Administration), it's not out of the question that Stephanie would have political dreams of her own.
She's a successful businessperson, full of ambition, who knows how to get things done. She's also played a character who wrestled her own father at a pay-per-view and almost married the Undertaker in a demonic ceremony that Stone Cold Steve Austin broke up at the last minute.
I would seriously consider voting for Stephanie because, 1) I think she could do a good job in office and 2) that would mean Vince McMahon would get to power walk the length of an inaugural parade.
The New Day
It's not a novel move to have a black president anymore, but what about three black presidents?
That's right, the role of chief executive of the United States would be performed under the Freebird Rule, meaning all three members of The New Day—Big E, Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods—would be president at the same time.
Oh, you thought one president was effective? Wait until the president is visiting leaders in Beijing, giving commencement speeches in Berkeley and subtweeting people from the Oval Office at the same time.
Dave is a writer-at-large for Bleacher Report and B/R Mag and hosts the Roundball Rock podcast—a comedic look at the NBA. Prior to joining B/R, Dave wrote for Grantland, the Guardian and Vice.
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