Somewhere in Pittsburgh, a cooler lays battered and bruised—possibly impaled on spikes due to a special "fatality" button-mashing.
And its killer was Sean Rodriguez, who transformed into some kind of Jack Sparrow/Rocky Marciano hybrid after being ejected from Wednesday night's National League Wild Card Game between the Pittsburgh Pirates and Chicago Cubs.
Rodriguez tweeted out an apology to his followers on Thursday afternoon.
He says he's sorry for letting his emotions get the best of him. He has also been granted forgiveness by the all-merciful cooler, through which all things are cold and refreshing:
Did Rodriguez just liken the cooler to Jesus? Maybe.
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The ejection came after a beaning in the seventh inning brought both teams onto the field for a largely innocuous screaming contest. Pirates reliever Tony Watson stung Cubs ace Jake Arrieta in the hip, Arrieta chirped back, and both dugouts emptied out of obligation.
No one was serious about the on-field confrontation resulting from the plunk—except for Sean Rodriguez.
Rodriguez apparently didn't get the clubhouse memo about no one actually wanting to escalate postseason tiffs. So he waded in fists blazing.
The result was an ejection for Rodriguez, who stormed back to the Pittsburgh dugout to unload the rest of the punches he'd been keeping on ice for the occasion.
His target: a callow, defenseless water cooler.
Poor thing couldn't even manage a combo breaker.
Naturally, the Interwebs had some fun with Rodriguez's Jax routine:
Rodriguez said Cubs catcher David Ross grabbed his throat during the dust-up, inciting him to throw a punch or two. It seems he felt worse about punching the cooler than swinging on Ross.
"Ross grabbed me right by the neck," Rodriguez said, per ESPN.com. "He was choking me and pushing me back. What would you do as a man? It may be wrong what I did afterward, but I was pretty heated."
Oh, Sean. Of all pirates, you are the most pirate-y.
Dan is on Twitter. The last time he did this, he didn't get his room deposit back.