Adam Schefter's cell phone stopped working this week, which is problematic on multiple levels for someone in his position.
For starters, as ESPN's lead NFL scoop man, Schefter's cell signal is directly tethered to his vital signs (probably).
Any drop in service will cause a corresponding dip in his physical life force, and every text he misses from Roger Goodell's aides while out of commission only drains him further.
But on an even scarier professional level, it appears the sudden and inexplicable bricking of your phone and laptop are also telltale signs for ESPN employees that the Worldwide Leader has culled them from the company.
ESPN-NFL senior producer Seth Markman (h/t SB Nation's Seth Rosenthal) was the first to confirm Schefter's mobile woes, tweeting that his devices had been deactivated as a result of his name being "accidentally" placed on the company's termination list:
To his credit, Schefter went along patiently with the error (again?):
A couple things about this.
First off, how dead is the intern who mucked this up? He or she is in a barrel of lye floating toward Siberia right now. No one will see that person ever again.
Secondly, I can't think of anyone for whom it would be more traumatic to have their cell phone and laptop nuked out of nowhere than Adam Schefter.
As we've covered, Schefter's cell phone is one with his body. You don't unplug Neo from the Matrix before he reaches the phone. You'll kill him. It's amazing Schefter is still with us.
Anyway, glad you're still on the books, Schefty. Someone must man the NFL signal torches and keep Jay Glazer from slipping into a complacent, sub-sandwich-y malaise.
Update: August 21, 6:15 p.m. ET
It looks like ESPN has reactivated Schefter's devices—order has been restored:
--End of update--
Dan is on Twitter. One time his cellphone stopped working and he thought he'd been fired, but he'd actually just dropped it in the toilet by accident.