The Ashes 2015: Ranking the Commentary Booth
An ex-footballer, a poker player, an amateur pilot, a pub brawler, a petrol station proprietor and even a Cambridge graduate.
No, we're not talking about some of the characters you might find in an East End boozer on a Saturday night, but members of the Sky Sports cricket commentary team!
However, which of these colourful personalities made you turn up the volume during England's crushing 169-run victory over the Aussies in Cardiff?
And who made you reach for the remote control's mute button—or worse, switch over to an old Dad's Army (no, not Australia) repeat—every time they unleashed another cliche or unsustainable opinion?
Let’s take a closer look at this gallery of rogues and rank them based on their playing days, what they achieved afterward and also their commentary skills. Enjoy.
10. Bob Willis
1 of 10
Nickname: Err...Bob
Likes: Intensity, hard graft, fast bowling, being photographed sideways (yes, this is the only available Bob Willis photo) and even more intensity.
Career highlight: After helping Ian Botham post a challenging total, he took eight wickets for just 34 runs at Headingley in 1981 to blow the Australians away.
Most controversial moment: Willis typically doesn't take any prisoners, and he strongly criticised Nasser Hussain and Mike Atherton in their playing days, which must now be awkward.
Ratings
On the pitch: Willis remains the third-highest wicket-taker in English Test history with 325 scalps, and there have been few faster bowlers before or since. He also captained the side for 18 Tests, winning seven times. 7/10
Since retiring: He moved straight into the commentary box, forging a good relationship with Ian Botham, although criticism of his monotone delivery eventually saw him relegated to the second string of voicesmiths. 6/10
Behind the mic: Some enjoy the big man's very dry sense of humour, however, his melancholic delivery isn't universally popular. He's often stuck in the post-match opinion show these days. 5/10
Total: 18/30
9. Ian Ward
2 of 10
Nickname: Wardy
Likes: Technology, big TV screens, wearing nice ties and doing whatever Beefy wants.
Career highlight: Winning three County Championship titles in four years with Surrey from 1999 to 2002.
Most controversial moment: Retiring as a player at the age of 33 in order to become a TV commentator and presenter.
Least likely to say: "I'm very sorry, Alastair, but I don't have a slow-motion, multi-angle, video replay of that cover drive you played."
Ratings
On the pitch: After being axed by Surrey in 1992, Ward worked hard in club cricket, eventually making a county comeback and scoring prolifically to earn an England call-up. However, five Tests and a top score of just 39 later, the left-hander's international days were over. 5/10
Since retiring: Retiring in 2005 to pursue a career in commentating and presenting, Ward has carved out a niche for himself with Sky Sports, manning their tactics truck and, with the aid of technology, conducting interesting, post-game interviews with the players. 7/10
Behind the mic: Ward usually leaves the ball-by-ball stuff to the bigger names, who, as he concedes himself, are far better placed to speak with authority on cricketing matters. However, when focusing on one-on-one chats or technical aspects such as this Batting Masterclass with Kevin Pietersen, he's in his element. 7/10
Total: 19/30
8. Michael Holding
3 of 10
Nickname: Whispering Death
Likes: Bowling very fast, speaking in dulcet tones, laughing in dulcet tones and talking about the great West Indies' teams.
Career highlight: Many folk seem to enjoy Geoffrey Boycott being made to struggle during this ferocious spell.
Most controversial moment: None.
Least likely to say: "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey."
Ratings
On the pitch: One of the fastest bowlers who has ever lived, Holding collected 249 wickets from just 60 Tests at an average of 23.68 and, as part of a ferocious pace attack alongside the likes of Joel Garner and Andy Roberts, helped the West Indies dominate the sport during the 70s and 80s. 8/10
Since retiring: After his playing days came to an end, the Jamaican surprisingly opened a petrol station, imaginatively called "Michael Holding's Service Station," before later moving into the more-comfortable climes of the press box. 6/10
Behind the mic: Often providing a laid-back counterbalance to some of his high-energy peers, Holding is a welcoming presence and has built up a great repartee over his 15-year commentary career, especially in tandem with David Lloyd and Ian Botham. 8/10
Total: 22/30
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7. David Lloyd
4 of 10
Nickname: Bumble
Likes: L.A. (Lower Accrington), ale, mascots, Accrington Stanley, Twitter.
Highlight: A toss-up between scoring an unbeaten double century against India and his annual calling of the Twenty20 Final's Day mascot race.
Most controversial moment: Saying "we flippin' murdered them" during the post-match conference of his England side's disappointing draw with lowly Zimbabwe.
Least likely to say: "I suspect the end of this T20 clash is imminent."
Ratings
On the pitch: This stalwart Lancastrian scored nearly 20,000 runs in first-class cricket and played nine Tests for England before a traumatic tour of Australia ended his international aspirations. 6/10
Since retiring: After a period as a first-class umpire, Lloyd coached Lancashire and then England before moving to the less-stressful confines of the commentary booth. 7/10
Behind the mic: A classic English eccentric, Bumble will often lighten dull passages of play with his off-the-wall comments and observations. Occasionally, he can become a bit of a self-parody, but his enthusiasm is infectious, with a serious wealth of knowledge pinning it altogether. 9/10
Total: 22/30
6. Shane Warne
5 of 10
Nickname: Warney
Likes: Playing poker, the limelight, sledging, peroxide blonde hair, food, Twitter.
Career highlight: Who can get bored of the world famous "ball of the century"?
Most controversial moment: Either being sent home for taking a banned substance just before the 2003 World Cup or getting involved in a bookmaker scandal in 1998.
Least likely to say: "No thanks," when offered a chip butty.
Ratings
On the pitch: The greatest leg-spinner of all time, Warne took over a 1,000 international scalps and sits second in the all-time Test wicket-taker's list. He was voted one of the five greatest cricketers of the 20th century by Wisden. 10/10
Since retiring: Although still playing in the Big Bash League in 2013, the Victorian has kept himself busy over the years with media work, endorsing hair-loss and poker companies, starting his own charity and even courting British supermodel Liz Hurley. 8/10
Behind the mic: Mixing insights with cliches like he used to hide his flipper among his stock leg-breaks, Warne can be entertaining and insightful but, as evidenced by his relentless vendetta with England skipper Alastair Cook, can become boorish. He also picks and chooses his appearances around other commitments. 5/10
Total: 23/30
5. Nasser Hussain
6 of 10
Nickname: Nass
Likes: Breaking his fingers regularly, winning the toss and inserting opposition on flat tracks, enraging the whole of India.
Career highlight: Not strictly a playing highlight, this clip of Hussain giving a batting "masterclass" will live long in the memory—although the "chair incident" is a close second.
Most controversial moment: Labelled several of India's fielders "donkeys," enraging the country of his birth.
Least likely to say: "I think India are a high-quality and energetic fielding side."
Ratings
On the pitch: While a high-quality batsman, it was Hussain's Brearley-esque captaincy across 1999-2003 that he is best remembered for. Alongside Duncan Fletcher, he dragged England out of the doldrums and set the wheels in motion for the 2005 Ashes triumph. 8/10
Since retiring: Hussain exited the England dressing room in 2004 and, without breaking stride, walked straight into the Sky Sports commentary team where he's been ever since. He also found time to write a highly regarded autobiography. 7/10
Behind the mic: Hussain left the intensity and determination of his playing days behind to display a sense of humour, which, as the butt of many jokes, he definitely needs. But the former Essex-man is great at finding the right balance between criticism and admiration. 8/10
Total: 23/30
4. David Gower
7 of 10
Nickname: Silver Fox
Likes: Wine, going to the theatre, flying, quiz shows.
Career highlight: Scoring a colossal 732 runs during the 1985 Ashes and helping England to a 3-1 series win.
Most controversial moment: Once flew a Tiger Moth plane over the ground England were playing an Ashes warm-up game on in 1990.
Least likely to say: "I think I'll go casual today lads, just t-shirt and jeans for me."
Ratings
On the pitch: The classy left-hander pulled his first ball in Test cricket for four and didn't look back, scoring over 8,000 Test runs at an average of 44.25. Known for his sumptuous stroke play, Gower also had a good tactical brain and captained England on many occasions throughout his career. 8/10
Since retiring: As effortless as one of his patented cut shots, the curly haired stroke-maker moved into TV, hosting his own BBC programme and starring on the comedy sports show They Think It's All Over. Gower eventually became the main presenter of Sky's cricket coverage. 8/10
Behind the mic: A very steady pair of hands, the Silver Fox is normally the host presenter introducing and closing the show, with his calm and reassuring presence often ensuring things don't get out of control. 7/10
Total: 23/30
3. Mike Atherton
8 of 10
Nickname: Athers
Likes: Chess, crease occupation, horse racing.
Career highlight: An incredible innings of 185 not out against South Africa against a fired-up Allan Donald in 1998 that lasted over 10 hours and helped England claim a draw.
Most controversial moment: Getting caught up in a dirt in his pocket scandal during a 1994 Test match.
Least likely to say: "I really enjoyed facing Glenn McGrath," the Australian paceman who dismissed him on 19 occasions.
Ratings
On the pitch: While an average of 37.69 doesn't sound too impressive, Atherton’s bookish image belied his steely determination, and at times he almost single-handedly kept England afloat during the difficult mid-90s. 7/10
Since retiring: Seamlessly segued into a career as a journalist, writing for the Sunday Telegraph and becoming the prestigious cricket correspondent for the Times. He has also written a couple of well-regarded books. 8/10
Behind the mic: Probably most intelligent and considered of the team, Athers acts as a nice counter-balance to the drama with a dry and subtle sense of humour. Seems to enjoy the generational banter with some of the elder statesmen. 9/10
Total: 24/30
2. Ian Botham
9 of 10
Nickname: Beefy
Likes: Wine, walking miles for charity, England, fast bowlers, football (he played 11 games for Scunthorpe).
Career highlight: Anyone remember Headingley in 1981? Thought so.
Most controversial moment: Once banned for smoking cannabis, while a recent, hastily removed X-rated photo on Twitter was pretty embarrassing.
Least likely to say: "I wonder if Ian Chappell fancies a pint tonight?"
Ratings
On the pitch: It's Beefy's world and we just live in it. Botham’s cricketing heroics are well documented, and 5,200 Test runs and 383 Test wickets make him unquestionably England's greatest all-rounder ever. 10/10
Since retiring: As well as his various media work, Botham has been knighted, raised over £12 million for charity and, most importantly, was a captain on Question of Sport. 8/10
Behind the mic: Unlikely to sit on the fence (he probably doesn't even know there is a fence), Beefy's opinions land like one of his famous hook shots. Sometimes he can hit the nail on the head, although his forthright views can be too much at times. 7/10
Total: 25/30
1. Ricky Ponting
10 of 10
Nickname: Punter
Likes: Greyhounds, Baggy Green caps, golf and playing that pull shot.
Career Highlight: Winning three World Cups with Australia, two of which he was captain for.
Most controversial moment: Getting knocked out in bar brawl leading to a three-match suspension early in his career.
Least likely to say: "Yes of course you (England) can have an elite fielder to act as your 12th man!"
Ratings
On the pitch: Where do you start? Ponting played a staggering 178 Tests for Australia—78 as skipper—and finished as the second-highest Test run scorer of all time. 10/10
Since retiring: After scoring his final run in 2013, Ponting has split his time between media work and coaching, leading the Mumbai Indians to Indian Premier League glory in 2015. 8/10
Behind the mic: Rather than the dyed-in-the-wool Aussie many were expecting, Punter has been incisive, fair, non-judgmental and captivating to listen to with his fascinating insights bringing up comparisons to Sky Sports football pundit Gary Neville. 9/10
Total: 27/30
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