Mocking Your Draft: Top 13 Reasons Your Fantasy Draft Was a Bust.

This is not a how-to guide for you to win your fantasy football league. God knows, I can’t help you with that. And the same God knows, that anyone who tells you he can help you win your league -- is a stone cold liar. Everyone is using the same magazines, lists and just about the same strategies.

Yes, people have different methodologies like where to take a quarterback or how many running backs to stockpile. But let’s face it, most of the time it’s a sweet combination of luck, injury and waiver wire gold that gets the cash at the end of the season.

Players you never thought were going to have a good year have a great year and guys you never had a thought about have monster years. See Forte, Matt or White, Roddy.

So instead of telling you how to win, it seems like more fun to tell you if you already lost. If any of the following items on this list apply to you, no trade, no injury and no waiver wire gold rush will save you. You're cooked.

And if it happens that your team is toast, cheer up. You can always play spoiler and ruin someone else’s season. Because the next best thing to winning the league is ruining someone’s else chances of winning the league.

Top Thirteen Signs Your Fantasy Draft Was A Bust:

1. You have no Williams’, Moss’, Smiths, Jacksons or Johnsons on your squad.

2. Your number one pick is thinking about studying yoga in India. Full-time.

3. None of your picks are dog-fighters, murders, man-slaughterers, drunk drivers, whining divas, date rapers or thieves.

4. The words, “it really depends on what my kicker does,” come out of your loser mouth.

5. Your top three picks in 2009 are identical to your top three picks in 2004.

6. Your girlfriend saw your draft board, put her arm around you and said your team looks "nice.”

7. Your number one quarterback just got off a lawn mower in Mississippi, like a week ago.

8. Your top pick is coming off a career-high. In off-season felonies.

9. You drafted any player at any position from any team in the AFC North.

10. Your season hinges on the entire starting Buccaneer backfield getting hurt.

11. After every one of your picks the commissioner turns to guy next to him and whispers, "what position does he play again?"

12. Any of your top three picks plan to spend their bye week in Miami.

13. Matt Millen calls to congratulate you on a job well-done.

Hopefully, you successfully avoided any of these pesky draft pitfalls. And if you didn't? Hopefully, you're in my league.