Super Bowl 2015 Doppelgangers

"Get your Deflategate! Hot deflated balls here! A nickel a dozen! Limp as a pita!"

Nope. We're all full up on crazy, thank you. We'll take a Super Bowl and a large Farva—hold the ball-truthering, please.

Indeed, anything but actual football has dominated NFL headlines over the last week and a half. At this juncture, most of us are scanning below the sink for a way out of the unending veil of conspiracy theories.

I can't make Sunday be here any faster, but what I can do is give you Super Bowl doppelgangers to pass the time. Some lookalikes are better than others—all are better than the snow photos you'd otherwise be perusing.

Enjoy!

Richard Sherman—Busta Rhymes

AP

Richard Sherman's appearance harkens back to a mid-'90s Busta Rhymes, before Busta started collaborating with Lil Wayne and freebasing yak pheromones.

Sherman has all the Busta features: the vapor trail mustache, the go-to-hell dreads and a mouth capable of downing an entire sleeve of cookie dough. All of this amounts to an incredibly mushable face, which Sherman uses to bait his opponents at all times.

Julian Edelman—Bryce Harper

AP

Like two space shuttles racing for the hipster troposphere, Julian Edelman and Bryce Harper's hairstyles share an almost identical trajectory on the Mackle-Beard spectrum.

Inevitably, one of these men will go up in a smoldering fireball of Got2B Glued.  

Russell Wilson—Tristan Wilds

AP / YouTube

One is an actor whose roles sometimes involve killing scores of people. The other is a Super Bowl champion who'd probably like to help you shave a second or two off that Soap Box Derby car.

Russell Wilson and Tristan Wilds aren't much alike, aside from their astonishingly similar facial features and the fact they'll both look like they're 30 years old upon reaching the age of Social Security.

Jimmy Garoppolo—New Brawny Man

AP

The 21st century reboot of the iconic Brawny man is both a horrible thing and a chilling reminder that everything cool and good will one day be replaced by a newer, neutered version that tested well with 20- to 35-year-old Groupon patrons.

On an unrelated and less tragic note, the new Brawny man also looks like he could be Jimmy Garoppolo's older brother—the one who's good with grout and owns a pair of perpetually wet golden retrievers.

Earl Thomas—Angry Bird

AP / YouTube

Every time Earl Thomas brings someone to the ground, an angry, digital descendant of the dodo bird nods in silent approval.

Danny Amendola—Bryan Abrams

AP

Danny Amendola is a lunch pail warrior—a diamond forged in the crucible of the offensive seam. He has the hands of a wood elf and the chassis of an Ortolan steeped in fine Hennessy. His collar was blue before he covered it in five layers of elbow grease and Texas gumption. 

None of this correlates to singer Bryan Abrams in any way, but you're not getting through this slideshow without a Color Me Badd comparison.

Vince Wilfork—Uncle Phil

AP / YouTube

Vince Wilfork and Uncle Phil look like they could be brothers, and if you don't agree with that, at least admit that just the sight of them next to each other stirs something deep and primordial inside your heart.

Russell Okung—Maseo

AP

Maseo was a member of the sublime '90s hip hop group De La Soul. Russell Okung is an offensive tackle for the Seattle Seahawks.

Both are disappointed the cafeteria ran out of green Jell-O.

Dan Connolly—Chris Pratt

AP

If Chris Pratt had an older brother who volunteered his spare time to do electrical work at the local church, he would look exactly like Dan Connolly.

Side note: These men should meet.

Pete Carroll—Jane Lynch

AP

I'm sorry, Mr. Carroll. I didn't have a choice. I had to do it to you again.

You are Jane Lynch. Jane Lynch is you. Be at peace.

Tom Brady—Gary Johnston

AP / YouTube

As American as apple pie and collateral damage, Tom Brady and Gary Johnston understand that the real threat to the USA's unipolar moment is bad hair and radical extremism.

Stephen Gostkowski—Johnny Knoxville

AP

If Johnny Knoxville hadn't spent the better part of his life throwing his body around and stapling himself to himself, he'd look even more like Stephen Gostkowski.

Just go with it.

Luke Willson—Zach Braff

AP

If Riley Cooper and Zach Braff conspired in some sort of crowdfunded gene-splicing experiment that produced a child with Cooper's Flying J hairstyle and Braff's pastry shell complexion, the result would be Seattle Seahawks tight end Luke Willson.  

Don't focus on the process. Just visualize the product.

Marshawn Lynch—The Predator

AP / YouTube

I'm just including this comparison so I fulfill my topical joke quota and don't get fined.

Jon Ryan—Steve the Pirate

AP / YouTube

Jon Ryan won over a nation with his passing touchdown at the NFC Championship game—or more specifically, the face Ryan made while attempting said pass will live in the hearts of football fans forever. It was like watching a pelican birth a boccie ball mid-flight.

And despite this watershed moment in sport, Ryan's 2011 stint as Seattle's resident Steve the Pirate remains the punter's strongest work to date. Alan Tudyk would be proud.

On Twitter paying my respects to Jon Ryan, King of Gondor and keeper of treasures.