Dave Lozo's Bag Skate: What If NHL Teams Participated in Secret Santa?

With Christmas right around the corner, it's that time of the year when offices around the world engage in the most painful, awkward, forced method of interaction imaginable—the Secret Santa.

You know that lady who works in marketing you barely talk to? You know that guy in the mailroom who's always jingling when he walks because all of the keys in his pocket? Well, congrats, you now have to buy that person a gift for $10 or less.

The NHL is probably no different. There are 30 teams, some more familiar with each other than others, and in the interest of the holiday season, what if teams were required to get something nice for one another after drawing a name from a hat?

After doing some investigative journalism, I was able to learn of the hypothetical gifts exchanged between all 30 teams and some of the dialogue that took place. 

Here's an inside look at this year's imagined NHL Secret Santa.

Arizona to Calgary

"We see how rough things have been for the Flames in recent years, so we composed this blueprint for how to remain profitable despite losing seasons and declining attendance."

"Actually, Forbes had us valued as the No. 13 NHL franchise for 2014, and we sell out almost every night."

"And you haven't been to the playoffs since 2009?"

"Nope."

"Do you mind if we hang on to this and give you a gift card to one of the restaurants near our arena?"

Boston to Washington

Michael Dwyer/Associated Press

"We hope you like this can of authentic Boston baked beans."

"Can we have Phil Kessel?"

"Gave him to Toronto."

"Can we have Tyler Seguin?"

"Gave him to Dallas."

"Figures this is the year we get you as our Secret Santa."

"Well if you want we can give you Milan Lu…"

"Nope, baked beans are fine."

Buffalo to Tampa Bay

"On behalf of the city of Buffalo, we would like bestow upon you our world-famous wings."

"This is uncomfortable. We already have Drouin, Callahan, Palat, Kucherov, so I don't think we have any need for Matt Moulson or Brian Gionta or Drew Stafford or…"

"No, buffalo wings. Hot wings."

"Oh sure we'll take those."

Anaheim to Vancouver

"Hi, Vancouver. Since we recently completed the Ryan Kesler trade, we think we know you pretty well. So we got you this collection of fine Swiss chocolates."

"Aren't you the same people who swore we'd love Luca Sbisa?"

"Yeah, that's us."

"How about you keep this Swiss product for yourselves and give us Sami Vatanen instead?

Calgary to Toronto

"Here's a beginner's guide to understanding advanced statistics and how a coach can apply them to lineup decisions and ice time."

"Our coach doesn't need this. Doesn't your coach need this?"

"Nope. The Flames don't need it."

"Well the Leafs don't need it, either."

"Fine. Want to go the a casino and try to get lucky?"

"Let's go. We have an unbeatable system."

"Us too."

Carolina to N.Y. Rangers

"This wasn't easy, but we'd like to give you Eric Staal for the rest of this season and all of his next season for the low price of an $8.25 million cap hit."

"We can't possibly accept this."

"Would it help if we covered some of his salary?"

"We can't possibly accept this."

"What if we were to throw in…hey, where are you going? Why are you leaving? OK, well, happy holidays! … I wonder if I can switch with whoever got the Oilers this year."

Jared Silber/Getty Images

Chicago to Nashville

“We got you a copy of the movie The Untouchables.”

“Oh, thanks. That’s nice.”

“That’s the Chicago way.”

“Yeah, I get it.”

Colorado to Edmonton

“Our gift to you is advice. If you have any former stars from 1980s or 1990s, hire them for the front office, and let them have input into the roster. ”

“Have you seen how that's worked out so far for us? Are you guys smoking pot?”

“Actually…”

"Because it's legal now in Colorado. We get it."

"Let's go to Taco Bell together."

Columbus to Carolina

Jonathan Kozub/Getty Images

“On behalf of the Blue Jackets, we’d like to give you this vintage cannon that you can fire after goals that will scare the life out of fans.”

“Didn’t you give Marian Gaborik to the Kings in the Secret Santa last year?”

“No, that was a trade.”

“Didn’t you give Jeff Carter to the Kings in the Secret Santa in 2012?”

“No, that was a trade.”

“How about you keep the cannon and trade us Ryan Johansen instead?”

Dallas to San Jose

“We hope you like this book about the American Revolution and find it educational."

"Thanks, but why a book about the American Revolution?"

"We figured you needed all the help you could get when it comes to defeating Kings."

Detroit to St. Louis

“We got you something that has eight legs and doesn’t serve any purpose at our games except to slow things down.”

“You got us your bottom-four defensemen?”

Edmonton to Buffalo

“Here’s a coupon for three hours of exclusive access to Steve Tambellini so you can ask him what to do with the first overall pick.”

“Hahaha.”

“What’s so funny?”

“Hahaha.”

“He has great insight into…”

“Hahaha.”

Florida to Arizona

“Hi there, Coyotes. We got you this U-Haul gift certificate and a book about living in Las Vegas.”

“That’s funny. If we drew your name, we were going to get you the same thing.”

Minnesota to Philadelphia

“We know how badly you need a fence, so we bought you this picket fence.”

Bruce Kluckhohn/Getty Images

“This is nice, thank you. But why do you think we need a fence?”

“All we ever hear is how the Flyers would give anything for the fence, man.”

“No, that’s defenseman.”

“Oh, this is awkward.”

“So can we have Jared Spurgeon?”

“Sorry, but the fence can’t be returned.”

Montreal to N.Y. Islanders

“We got you a goalie, two top-four defensemen and some forward depth.”

“That’s sweet, Montreal, but we got all this in the offseason.”

“Sorry. We did our shopping in April, and in our defense we never thought you would try this hard to win.”

Nashville to Dallas

“We got you tickets to the Country Music Awards, a Toby Keith album and this specially made mechanical bull.”

“This is awkward.”

“Why?”

“This is what we got you last year, and you're clearly regifting.”

"Sorry, but no one wants a Toby Keith album."

New Jersey to Winnipeg

“You need a goalie, right?”

“No, we’re good. We have two.”

“How about a stud No. 1 defenseman?”

“Have you met Jacob Trouba?”

“How about some talented forwards?”

“No thank you.”

“So you’re all set?”

“Yeah.”

“Well can you spare literally any of that for us?”

N.Y. Islanders to Montreal

“Remember our four straight Stanley Cups in the 1980s?”

“Sort of.”

“Well our gift is this slice of wisdom: Always, whenever you can, remind people of your past glory at every turn in an effort to distract from the lack of accomplishments the past two decades.”

“Seriously? Have you met us?”

Francois Lacasse/Getty Images

N.Y. Rangers to Colorado

“We got you a 20-dollar bill.”

“Why?”

“Have you ever seen a 20-dollar bill…on weed?”

“Yes, marijuana has been legal in Colorado for a while now. That’s the gift?”

“Well, yeah.”

“So your joke is a reference to a movie from like 15 years ago?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Really creative, guys.”

Ottawa to Minnesota

"Please accept these gifts that represent the best traditions of Canada: an ice fishing shanty, some snowshoes and a canoe for getting around on lakes."

"You do know we are basically a Canadian province and have all this stuff already, right?"

"Want one of our defensemen instead?"

"Sure."

"Besides Erik Karlsson?"

"Thank you for the canoe."

Philadelphia to Pittsburgh

“Our gift to you will be given in the first round in the playoffs, when we face each other, and we will let you win the series this time.”

“Wow, really?”

“Of course not.”

“Then what did you get us?”

“Cheesesteaks.”

“We get this is so supposed to be an insult, but we put french fries on our salads, so we’ll take any decent food we can get.”

Pittsburgh to New Jersey

“This may seem like a bit much, but we are giving you Sidney…”

“No way!”

Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images

“…Poitier’s autobiography. It’s interesting and eye-opening.”

“Well, this is great, but why would this seem like a bit much?”

“We wanted you to think we were giving you Sidney Crosby.”

“Well, it worked. Good one.”

“Thanks.”

San Jose to Los Angeles

“You're really not expecting another a gift from us, are you?"

"Christmas came in April for us, so we're all good here."

St. Louis to Chicago

“We got you Ryan Miller as a goaltender for a playoff series last year, so we feel we don’t owe you anything this year.”

“That’s fair.”

Tampa Bay to Anaheim

“We gave you Eric Brewer a few weeks ago, so are we all cool?”

“Not at all.”

“Ha. But seriously, you’re welcome for the extra…”

“You owe us a gift.”

“Brewer wasn’t enough?”

“When we said we wanted a Brewer for our locker room, we were talking about coffee."

Toronto to Boston

“This is a little different, but we bought the naming rights to two stars out there in the galaxy.”

“That’s nice, thanks. But why does the receipt say we can’t ask for a refund or exchange?”

“Because you guys give away stars very easily, and we’d like you to hang on to these.”

Vancouver to Florida

“You’re out of your mind if you think you’re getting anything from us after we gave you Roberto Luongo.”

“Sorry, we were just checking the goaltending leaders, and Luongo is way up there in save percentage, so thanks for that. Now what were you saying?”

Washington to Ottawa

“From one nation’s capital to another, here’s an American flag.”

“Thank you. This is the best gift ever, I guess.”

Winnipeg to Detroit

“We’ve heard Mike Babcock might not be coming back next season, so we got you this list of available coaches, their phone numbers and their list of accomplishments in the NHL.”

“(Crying)”

“What’s wrong? Dan Bylsma has a Stanley Cup…and…uhh…”

“(Crying)” 

“We’re sure any coach can win with…”

“(Crying)” 

Los Angeles to Columbus

“We got you a fruit basket!”

“So we get you Jeff Carter and Marian Gaborik and you get us a fruit basket?”

“Weren’t those trades?”

“OF COURSE THEY WEREN’T TRADES!”

Quote of the Week: Jon Cooper vs. Darryl Sutter

Lightning coach Jon Cooper and Kings coach Darryl Sutter are the two most quotable coaches in the NHL. Each week, we will let you decide who had the best quote.

Last week marked the three-year anniversary of Darryl Sutter's hiring by the Los Angeles Kings, who went on to win a Stanley Cup after firing Terry Murray. At the time, Sutter was living and working on his farm in Viking, Alberta, so he was asked if the anniversary meant anything special to him.

Like a farmer (or anyone desperate for sunlight this time of year), he answered the question, via LA Kings Insider.

"

No. I just moved from being a farmer. The days were really short and we needed a little bit more sunlight. The days would get – what is it, the 19th or 20th – when we’d start going the other way. That’s what I remember. We need that, a little more sunlight. A couple more minutes tomorrow. 

"

Meanwhile, Jon Cooper's team is in the midst of a funk. The Lightning have lost four of five and six of eight, including a 4-2 loss to the Penguins on Monday. During that game, three of the Penguins' goals deflected off Lightning players and into the net.

Ever get angry when you're around someone who's too positive? Like, you don't trust them because they seem too happy? Maybe that's Cooper after that game.

KHL Thing of the Week

There is some quality hockey that is played overseas that we rarely hear about in North America. This section will highlight that or something else from our friends playing hockey in the KHL.

This conception of this Bag Skate section was based upon the notion that the KHL was funny and wacky, where former NHL greats could dominate AHL-level talent that would occasionally have crazy weeks. "Kyle Wilson had five goals in a game for Traktor (Chelyabinsk)? The same Kyle Wilson that was taken in the ninth round in 2004?"

Instead, we are getting weekly updates about the potential demise of the KHL due to the declining ruble in Russia.

According to The Globe and Mail, "With oil prices dropping, Western sanctions increasing and the ruble cratering, sponsors have been forced to pull funding to a lot of KHL teams; as a result, many players are getting paid late or not getting paid at all."

The story states that this may not necessarily lead to a shutdown of the league, but things don't sound great either. I spoke with Ruslan Fedotenko during training camp in September about this topic, and he said a lack of money was not an issue for KHL teams and that the only reason he was trying to rejoin the NHL was because the war in Ukraine destroyed his club's home arena.

It's a situation that bears watching and could eventually lead to Ilya Kovalchuk and Alex Radulov returning to the NHL. 

Who Is Connor McDavid-ing This Week?

The tank battle for Connor McDavid will be quite the scene this season as teams stumble over each other to finish last in the standings, thus guaranteeing either McDavid or future American hero Jack Eichel.

30. Edmonton Oilers (7-20-7, 21 pts)

Every team in the midst of a tank comes to a crossroads, when a sure two points is there for the taking and you have to ask yourself, "Are we in this tank for real?" Leading 5-2 at home late in the third period against the Dallas Stars, the Oilers faced this challenge and answered with a resounding, "Oh, we're tanking."

The Stars rallied to tie the game at five then won 6-5 in a shootout. The Oilers have lost 17 of 18. Bow before the masters.

29. Carolina Hurricanes (9-19-4, 22 pts)

The Hurricanes have their share of injuries, but even as their health has improved, they've remained with a singular focus dedicated to losing. They have lost eight of nine while scoring just 10 goals over that stretch. 

Maybe the Hurricanes aren't on the same level as the Oilers and playing in the East will hurt them, but they've done quite the nice job of losing over their first 32 games.

28. Arizona Coyotes (11-18-4, 26 pts) 

Whenever I see the Coyotes and their inability to score (2.21 goals per game), I think, "Max Domi wasn't good enough to make this team?" Then it hits me: Don Maloney is a genius. Has he been quietly engineering a tank job since the offseason?

Think about it. He buys out top-line center Mike Ribeiro, who is flourishing in Nashville. The team's "big" acquisition is Sam Gagner, and Domi, one of the top prospects in the game, can't crack the top nine out of training camp? This is Danny Ocean-esque planning. 

Goal of the Week

On Nov. 20, fans lost their minds when Alex Ovechkin scored a lucky (his words, not mine, per the Canadian Press via NHL.com) goal in a Capitals win against the Avalanche. It seemed silly that after he wasn't able to get around a defender and he received a fortunate carom off the boards that people were hailing it as "vintage" Ovechkin.

It's important to overreact in this world of immediacy, especially when Ovechkin has the ability to score the goal he did Saturday against the Devils, which was not lucky and was vintage Ovechkin.

Ovechkin splits two defenders, controls the puck and, while falling to the ice, lifts his backhand over the pad of Cory Schneider. Now that's a beautiful goal that displays the skill level of Ovechkin. 

Questions and Answers

Got a question? Tweet me @davelozo or email me at [e-mail], but please don't call before 9 a.m. I will answer any of your questions about hockey or whatever if it's a good question.

"

@DaveLozo will the Leafs fall out of a playoff spot this year? Do you get bored talking/hearing about a mediocre team like the leafs?

— absurdo pinguino (@CopStrut) December 21, 2014"

These questions are along the same lines, so let's answer them together.

If you're asking me to predict if the Leafs will make the playoffs, my answer is no. But I'm not overly confident in that idea, and that's mainly because the Leafs aren't a good team. The catch, however, is that a team doesn't have to be good to reach the playoffs when 16 of 30 teams get there.

The smart money is on the 10th-place Bruins eventually overtaking the seventh-place Leafs, but this is hockey, a sport that allows for luck to carry a below-average team for 82 games sometimes.

And I don't get bored at all with Leafs coverage; the team and the coverage are fascinating. There just never seems to be middle ground with the Toronto media; either the Leafs are this incredible gritty, hardworking team that makes things like score-adjusted Fenwick irrelevant, or you have score-adjusted Fenwick beaten over your head at all times.

I see a middle ground this season with the Leafs, who I think are better than they were last season, if only by a slight margin. But that's how it works in sports most times—incremental steps, not big ones. Maybe that's not as interesting to write about as jersey-tossing and fan-waving and possession numbers. 

If I could have been a one-year beat writer for any team in the league this season, it would have been the Leafs.

The man with lightning bolts in his name poses an interesting question: Which team with a great first 30-plus games will fade over the next 50 or so?

At the time I am writing this, the Canucks have 40 points and sit in third place in the Pacific. I don't see a lot of holes in the other top threes in the Atlantic (Montreal, Tampa, Detroit), Metropolitan (Pittsburgh, Islanders, Washington) or Central (Chicago, St. Louis, Nashville), so the Canucks look like the limping zebra in the herd.

Of the teams behind the Canucks, I think it's only a matter of time before the Kings overtake them, same for the Wild. I'm not ready to abandon the idea of the Stars as a playoff team just yet.

I just realized I wrote four paragraphs, one of which repeated the question, and haven't answered anything yet. So Canucks. My answer is the Canucks.

The guy wearing an Islanders jersey in his avatar wants me to say the Islanders. Despite my resistance to this obviously leading question, the Islanders have been the most fun team to watch in the East. They are fast, aggressive and just loose enough defensively to have all their games be interesting.

In the West, it's Chicago. Sometimes it's OK to go with the obvious answer. 

I've yet to read a hockey book from start to finish. There are a few I want to read, but I haven't gotten around to it. I'm about halfway through Bob McKenzie's Hockey Confidential.

So how about the five-best hockey movies? Movies are like books without all the reading.

1. Miracle

2. Goon

3. Mystery, Alaska

4. The Mighty Ducks

5. The Cutting Edge

"Dave, you idiot, you forgot Slap Shot." No. No, I did not.

Please be safe during the holiday season. Roads are bad, people are intoxicated and if you're not careful, you could wind up watching Elf instead of a true holiday classic like The Ref. 

Happy holidays.

All statistics via NHL.com and Stats.HockeyAnalysis.com.

Dave Lozo covers the NHL for Bleacher Report. You can follow him on Twitter: @DaveLozo.