If Every Premier League Team's Star Man Was an Animal They Would Be...

Before you carry on with the rest of your life, you should probably stop everything and take this quiz to discover your spirit animal. I was a hawk. 

Unfortunately, I have not been able to pass this quiz among the Premier League's elite, so I have had to take an educated guess at the animal whose attributes and skills best fit them.

Read on to discover the totem of each team's star player. 

Arsenal's Olivier Giroud the Peacock

Olivier Giroud is a big fan of himself. Not only does he take every single opportunity to pose naked, but he compared himself to legendary actor Errol Flynn on Instagram this week, using this humble description:

"

A friend told me that i looked like him #ErrolFlynn#Legend #actor #lookalike #handsome #smart

"

Clearly, Giroud is a peacock who loves to show off his marvellous plumage.  

Aston Villa's Gabby Agbonlahor the Rabbit

Aston Villa have plenty of animal potential in their squad (Jed Steed, Leandro Barracuda or Charles N'Dog-bee-a to name a few) but I'm likening Gabriel Agbonlahor to a rabbit.

The floppy-eared pets are known for their tremendous reproduction rate, which seems fitting for a man who is thought to have impregnated three women at the same time.  

Cardiff's Craig Bellamy the Honey Badger

The honey badger has been described as one of the most fearless animals on the planet, and it famously, "Doesn't give a s**t." 

If it swung golf clubs at its prey it would be indistinguishable from Cardiff's Craig Bellamy. 

Chelsea's Juan Mata the Wood Mouse

One is small, has a furry face and isn't seen out in the open very often.

The other is a wood mouse. 

Crystal Palace's Marouane Chamakh the Panda

Pandas, particularly those in captivity, are known for having little interest in reproduction. In a sense, they don't score very often, which sounds a lot like Crystal Palace hit man Marouane Chamakh. 

Everton's Romelu Lukaku the Wolf

The wolf is known for its hunger and tenacity in front of its prey, its fearlessness and its power—all qualities that Everton's on-loan Belgian striker might possess.

Plus, many wolves are known to be solitary, straying from their pack through either choice or rejection. Is there a better lupine analogy for Lukaku's exit from London for Merseyside? 

Fulham's Dimitar Berbatov the (sexy) Sloth

If Dimitar Berbatov was any more laid back, he would simply lay in the centre circle during games smoking menthol cigarettes. 

His lack of vitality naturally makes him a sloth—and of course, the Bulgarian would be a sexy sloth like the one in this video. 

Hull's Robert Koren the Tiger

Hull's captain doesn't bear much resemblance to the cartoon animal on the Frosties box, but he and his team look set to formally become Tigers next season. 

Maybe Hull's fans will be moved to bring back their cringeworthy "Mauled by the Tigers" chant. Or maybe not. 

Liverpool's Steven Gerrard the Swan

Swans are extremely territorial and mate for life, making them the perfect animal to be anthropomorphised with a player like Steven Gerrard, who has only ever known one club (even though a certain blue side in south west London might have tempted him on occasion). 

There's also a legend that a swan can break your arm if it attacks you, something Stevie G might just be capable of if you get on the wrong side of him. 

Manchester City's Sergio Aguero the Cougar

The cougar is native to Argentina, it is an opportunistic hunter and one of the best athletes in the big cat family, capable of speeds of up to 45 mph.

This sounds like the perfect spirit animal for Manchester City talisman Sergio Aguero. 

Manchester United's Wayne Rooney the Koala Bear

Koalas are adored all over the world; They have bodies covered in fur, some days they don't move very much, they are capable of furious aggression, their bellies protrude slightly and they are also renowned for having limited brain power.

That'll be Wayne Rooney then. 

Newcastle's Fabricio Coloccini the Screaming Hairy Armadillo

Argentina is home to many armadillos, but none so weird/hilarious as the screaming hairy armadillo. Unsurprisingly, it earned that name because it is hairy and it screams.

Something else from Argentina that screams a lot and is quite hairy is Newcastle's man at the back Fabricio Coloccini.

Norwich's Ricky Van Wolfswinkel the Wolf

Alright, we have already established that Romelu Lukaku is a wolf, but he can be kept company by Norwich striker Ricky Van Wolfswinkel. Not so lonely now, eh Romelu?

The Dutchman's surname is the lupine equivalent of "the dog's b*****ks." Think about that one. 

Southampton's Dani Osvaldo the Argentine Horned Frog

The Argentine Horned Frog is aggressive, it has a large mouth and a veracious appetite, and it is so fearless it will try to eat prey bigger than itself. 

Southampton's Argentinean-born forward appears to perfectly embody all of these qualities. Put the horned frog in a Saints shirt and a pair of thick-rimmed hipster glasses and they will be easily confused.  

Stoke's Peter Crouch the Giraffe

As one of the tallest players in English football, it can only be expected that 6'7" Peter Crouch's spirit animal is one of the most popular inhabitants of any zoo, the giraffe. 

Rumours that Couch forages for his lunch from the highest branches of trees surrounding Stoke's training ground are unfounded. 

Sunderland's Lee Cattermole the Mole

Sunderland midfielder Lee Cattermole enjoys the privilege of having two animals within his surname. 

It is the latter creature that is more appropriate for the former Middlesbrough star, whose aggression on the field might be matched by that of a mole when it fears a predator. 

Shakespearean character Hamlet, in fact, refers to a "vicious mole of nature" in his eponymous play, which is an apt description of a creature with Cattermole's personality traits. 

Impaired vision might also partially explain why he manages to accrue a red card every 26 matches. 

Swansea's Michu the Domestic Cat

Like Swansea star Michu, a domestic cat is easily affordable and few people realise it is one of the most underrated predators in the animal kingdom until they see it in action. 

Cats also have a tendency to go missing for days at a time, something that the Spaniard has managed on a few Saturday afternoons this season. 

Tottenham's Sandro the Tasmanian Devil

There are so many animal options in the Spurs squad (Mouse-a Dembele, Erik Llama, Hugo Slow Loris) but we've opted for Sandro and the Tasmanian Devil.  

"It roams the night bellowing blood-curdling screams," begins the video above. That sounds exactly like something the frantic Brazilian would do. 

West Brom's Nicolas Anelka the King Cobra

The King Cobra is dangerous on the attack, but regarded as one of the most disloyal and lonely animals in nature. It will happily bite its owner, often choosing not to exercise normal judgement.

This sounds an awful lot like Nicolas Anelka, a man who falls out with every coach who manages him and who frequently disappears into his own sulkiness.  

West Ham's Ravel Morrison the Shark

Few animals move with such grace and poise as a shark cutting through the water, but they have a reputation for attacking with little provocation.

This sounds like an ideal marine analogy for Ravel Morrison, a player with exceptional talent whose hair-trigger temper often gets the better of him. 

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