Tom Brady: That Handsome Bastard I Want to Punch

People have told me over the years that the mettle of a man is not shown by his looks but his actions.

Batman taught me it is not who you are but what you do that defines you.

And Tom Brady told me that you can play football, have a beautiful wife, win three Super Bowl's in four years, and still look like an a-hole.

Nay, be the a-hole.

When I heard this week that Tom Brady would be returning to practice with the New England Patriots, I could have killed the closest New England fan I saw. Luckily, I was in Upstate New York where it has been a law for some time that anyone sporting New England team colors would be burned at a stake for being a witch (same rules apply to Bills fans that go below Utica).

This was the type of guy that made fun of me in high school for running track and being on the newspaper. His M.O. was the same as all those who wronged me from ages 14-18: Cool, collected and makin' out with the hottest girl in all the land. Grrrrr.

I took solace in the fact that most of the ex-football stars at my high school are now pumping my gas and making me slurpees (someone has to do it after all) but Tom Brady reminds them that you can get through life with a good arm and a dimpled chin.

FACT: Tom Brady is giving hope to all the good looking high school football players by telling them that brawn, beauty, and a record 158.3 single game quarterback rating will get you far beyond anywhere a four year education could ever grant.

That bastard.

Tom Brady is our generation's Joe Namath. But unlike Broadway Joe, Brady was never on a master list of Nixon's Political Opponents or promoted pantyhose.

Instead, Brady promoted Stetson Cologne, won three Super Bowl's, dumped the very fine Bridget Moynahan after she had his baby and married Gisele Bundchen. No, he doesn't even have a problem with women. He goes from one really good looking woman onto the next without a hitch!

FACT: Tom Brady will seduce your daughters while wearing Stetson colonge and breaking the NFL record for most consecutive wins in the postseason.

That bastard.

I, stupidly, went to school in New Hampshire not realizing the sports environment up therein the center of not only the Red Sox Nation but what I deemed the "Patriots Province."

New England fans are fanatics of their professional sports teams in the same way that the town of Odessa in Friday Night Lights loves their high school sports: Besides beautiful, rustic farm lands and a deep, colorful history that surrounds the creation of the United States as we see it today, they got nothing going for them when the snow starts falling.

The day he hurt himself was the second greatest day I had living in the snowy northeast, the first being the Giants beating the snot out of the Patriots the year before in the Super Bowl and watching Bill Belichick walk off the field with his sleeveless hoodie in tow.

They love Brady there. Not just the men, but the womenfolk. I went to Colby-Sawyer College, a campus with females are a hearty 65 percent of the population. Not to be sexist in any way shape or form (read: sexist), but I swear the only reason they watched on Sundays was to see Tom Brady (then again I did hear the girls in the quad down the hall from me yell, "DIE PAYTON MANNING DIE DIE!!!" so really it could have gone either way with them).

When he got hurt, I could hear the bawling from a mile away. Of course they loved Matt Cassel also, but man, did they love Brady.

FACT: New England women want their future husband to be built like Tom Brady, look like Tom Brady, and go 7-0 in lifetime overtime contests.

That bastard.

Maybe I'm just jealous that I don't have it as easy as Brady. The man is married to a gorgeous woman, has not one, but three Super Bowl rings and has made a life out of being awesome.

Then again, I also dislike the idolization of Brady by New England fans. Four years of the same love and admiration for the man is enough to make you want to yearn for the days when every Boston team blew and they relied on their college teams to bring them joy.

Then again, karma could take over and this season could blow up in their faces. But at the end of the day Brady would still look like, if not be, the coolest guy on the planet and have six career options to fall back on.

FACT: Tom Brady's life is better than yours and he has the record for most completions in a Super Bowl.

That fantastic bastard.