Power Ranking All Red Sox Beards at the 2013 World Series
Sasquatch hunters would lose their minds if they happened across Fenway Park. The men of the 2013 Boston Red Sox own some of the gnarliest beards in baseball, and it's about time we settle the argument of whom has the best.
I mean, seeing as how these players went through all of the trouble and weeks (hours when it comes to Jonny Gomes) to grow these things, we might as well judge them.
From the scraggly to those who would make The Most Interesting Man in the World happy, we have you covered.
Never before has a group of men been so lauded for merely not shaving. It's time to celebrate laziness and superstitious playoff facial hair.
We will also give you a non-baseball comparison of the first thing we think of when we see each beard. Feel free to play along.
Now let's see those mugs.
22. Junichi Tazawa
OK, it's more than likely that this is some dirt on Junichi Tazawa's chin than actual facial hair. The only thing more depressing might be the top of LeBron James' head.
Tazawa may have been the Miguel Cabrera stopper in the playoffs, but he loses the battle of the beards rather early.
Non-baseball comparison: Actual peach fuzz
21. Felix Doubront
Felix Doubront is rocking the facial-hair equivalent of Jon Lester taking swings in the batter's box. Essentially, it's not very good.
Actually, it's best for everyone if we forget we ever showed this to you.
Non-baseball comparison: Gentle wisps of dust caught in a summer breeze
20. Jake Peavy
Jake Peavy has been a bit Jekyll and Hyde on the mound in the postseason, giving fans some pause when he toes the rubber.
However, he has without a doubt one of the more sparse beards on the club. It's really unfortunate for him that playoff beards are even a thing.
Non-baseball comparison: Keanu Reeves on a park bench
19. Clay Buchholz
It's like someone locked away Pau Gasol for a few years and unleashed him upon the world. Essentially, it's still as sparse as a 14-year-old's beard.
But hey, what do I know? I have to admire this masterpiece because I can only grow something that would make Justin Bieber look like a yeti.
We still give Clay Buchholz points for hiding the world's tiniest chin, but not many.
Non-baseball comparison: Pau Gasol is as perfect as it gets.
18. Jon Lester
Now we are entering the land of finely tuned testosterone and fantastic genes. These are the men who actually have to shave on a daily basis.
The rest of us stand in awe of your amazing prowess.
Now, while Jon Lester has done his part in getting the Red Sox within a win of taking the World Series, he falls woefully short on this list, which isn't bad considering the company.
Non-baseball comparison: A vanilla shake
17. Franklin Morales
Clean, finely etched and crisp. It's like Franklin Morales took a few semesters in architecture just to craft this beard.
Non-baseball comparison: The Louvre
16. Daniel Nava
It's almost like someone took all of the cool away from Dustin Pedroia's beard. That works wonderfully, because we happen to get a nice look at that particular beard later in this list.
We do give Nava immense style points for working with what he was given. It's like the Matthew McConaughey of beards: We have no clue how this thing works, but it does.
Non-baseball comparison: On a scale between Mud and Sahara, we give it a Tiptoes.
15. Stephen Drew
Stephen Drew has been underrated, off the radar and completely lost in the shuffle of bigger stars in this series, precisely like his beard.
Non-baseball comparison: An anonymous middle infielder who garners subpar fantasy points throughout the regular season
14. Craig Breslow
Craig Breslow has six strikeouts in a little over seven innings pitched this postseason. Most of that is due to batters wondering how one's beard can be so well-kept.
Non-baseball comparison: Anything tidy and neat: a cupboard, restaurant kitchen or Mike Matheny
13. Will Middlebrooks
I feel bad for Will Middlebrooks, because a century ago, that beard would have made him the most handsome bloke walking around Fenway.
Still, you would have to work hard to find a beard that full and yet that refined. It's like a perfect steak dinner with a delicious wine that you want to stop eating before the last bite, just so you can take it home and....we are still talking about his beard, right?
Non-baseball comparison: A young Donald Sutherland
12. Shane Victorino
Shane Victorino is hoping to beguile you enough with his chin hair that you forget all about the sparse patches around the cheeks.
Well, consider ourselves beguiled.
Non-baseball comparison: A reverse Wolverine
11. Jacoby Ellsbury
You could go out to your garden and try to grow something as perfect as this beard, but you would fail. Jacoby Ellsbury doesn't grow his beard. Instead, little fairies come down to sprinkle magic dust on his cheeks before they tuck him in at night.
Non-baseball comparison: One of the more dapper dwarves from The Hobbit.
10. Ryan Dempster
Oh man, we almost forgot about you, Ryan Dempster. With three innings pitched in the postseason, Dempster has really added an, um, nice beard to the mix.
Non-baseball comparison: A reminder from your iPhone
9. John Lackey
There are some men who just look better with half of their faces covered with facial hair. John Lackey here happens to fall into that camp.
Non-baseball comparison: Non from Superman II
8. Mike Carp
There is a wonderful Amish family missing a perfectly good Mike Carp at the moment. Please let them know we found him. He was spotted wandering aimlessly around Yawkey Way.
Non-baseball comparison: Ishmael's father
7. Brandon Workman
Brandon Workman could quit baseball and become an extra on Game of Thrones with that beard. And you know what? Jon Hamm only wishes he could have facial hair that stout.
In fact, every morning, I wake up and promise Workman's beard that I will give it my all. I suggest you do the same.
Non-baseball comparison: All that is good in the world. A really hearty BLT sandwich would do as well.
6. Jarrod Saltalamacchia
Jarrod Saltalamacchia's beard nearly hits for the cycle. Sure, it has the home run, triple and double locked up with the dense sideburns, goatee and neck hair, but it lacks the vital single sitting atop the mouth.
Non-baseball comparison: Gandalf the Grey
5. Dustin Pedroia
Rumor has it that Dustin Pedroia is an actual living Teen Wolf, and he merely shaves the rest of his body for the regular season.
I believe I started that rumor, right now.
Non-baseball comparison: Chuck Norris
4. David Ross
I often wondered what the hell Leia was talking about when she called Han Solo a "scruffy-looking nerf-herder."
Well, um, I don't need to wonder anymore.
Non-baseball comparison: An older and wiser Wookiee
3. Jonny Gomes
There is no way of knowing this, but it must be hard to eat while watching Jonny Gomes devour any creamy soups.
There is also a very good chance my keys that went missing a couple of hours ago are somewhere near that chin. Still, Gomes, the consummate hustler, nearly wins the beard award with this marvelous monstrosity.
Non-baseball comparison: Gimli
2. David Ortiz
Am I biased because David Ortiz is more fun to watch in October than Derek Jeter and a marathon session of Breaking Bad combined? Perhaps.
Still, you have to marvel at the cleanest beard on the team. You don't shave that thing; you sculpt it over hours of meticulous work.
Non-baseball comparison: This is the unofficial sequel to Michelangelo's The David
1. Mike Napoli
When Mike Napoli gets to the park, he has to wait for his beard to finish batting practice before he jumps in the cage. If he wins the MVP award, it will be a co-honor.
There is only one reason the Red Sox took on a massive contract and converted Napoli into a first baseman on a full-time basis: that beard.
Dat beard, indeed.
Non-baseball comparison: Santa Claus after a bender in Las Vegas