The Cross-Border Bowl Brawl: CFL vs NFL

Hey, bleacher creatures. This helmet bashing battle royale first ran in the Summer 2008 issue of Canada's couples bible, 2 Magazine.

Subtle rule differences and field dimensions aside, the battle of the small fry versus the 500-lb. gorilla on the line of scrimmage boils down to more than just one extra down.

Championship halftime show headliners

CFL: Last four—Theory of a Deadman, Lenny Kravitz, Nelly Furtado, and Black-Eyed Peas

NFL: Last four—Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty, Prince, and The Rolling Stones

Touchdown: What is this, iTunes versus a used CD store? The Great White North wins the opening coin toss and chooses to kick off.

Kindergarten playground diss

NFL: “My dad told me CFL stands for ‘Canadian Frozen Leftovers?’”

CFL: “Shove it, ‘No Fun League’”

Touchdown: The Yanks draw blood in their first series. The touchdown celebration features Cincinnati showboat Ocho Cinco shivering.

Tempo 

NFL: Four-Down Shuffle

CFL: Three-Down Hustle

Touchdown: It’s like Skynyrd said, “Gimme Three Steps.” The Canadians block the field goal. Besides, football is not the prom—the faster the dancing, the better.

Playoff picture

NFL: With only 12 of 32 teams qualifying, most fans are bummed and forced to jump onto their backup team's bandwagon.

CFL: With 6 of 8 teams moving on to the post season, the majority of fans are giddy with championship dreams.

Touchdown: Argos QB Kerry Joseph fires a cruise missile into the end zone.  After the extra point, the CFL takes the lead. 

Trophy tussle

NFL: The Vince Lombardi trophy is a Tiffany-fashioned sterling silver statuette of a laces-out, primed to boot football.

CFL:  The Grey Cup is a sterling silver gridiron pitcher primed to be filled with cold beer and then chugged.

Touchdown: While the NFL’s ultimate bling sure is pretty, ole Grey’s utility wins the day.

Final score

The CFL seals the deal, 14-6, ending the age-old debate about which league gives better helmet.