Sports Writer & Broadcaster Power Rankings – Reporting on the Reporters

Sports Writers and Broadcasters empower themselves as Judge, Jury, and Executioner of the various sports and teams they cover. Although opinions are, by definition, subjective perceptions of topics, these clods have gotten away with bashing the teams they hate under the context of “journalism” for much too long.

As the Sports Heckler, I have empowered myself to pass judgment on THEM. For years I’ve tried emailing writers and broadcasters directly, or added comments below one of their little articles, all in the hopes of finally putting them in their place. Most of the time, my email address gets blocked or my user-name banned; thanks to the Bleacher Report – at least until I get banned from here – an outlet to keep them in line is finally available.

Sports Writer & Broadcaster Power Rankings: May 2009

1. Pete Prisco (CBS Sportsline)

With a forehead the size of Alaska, Prisco’s brain gets cold easily, so I understand why he’s so stupid. He will remain at the top of the Power Rankings forever, just like he ranks New England at the top of his rankings regardless of how they play.  Prisco’s goal in life: Marry Tom Brady.

2. Peter King (Sports Illustrated)

Why is this guy famous? He’ll write about standing in line for coffee for two pages, and then offer some obscure anecdote about the third quarterback on Jacksonville’s roster. His writing is uglier than Bill Parcells in pink spandex. Just write about football (the game) you dolt.

3. Gil Brandt (NFL.com)

If I have to read another comment about what he did in Dallas 80 years ago, I’m going to vomit. NO ONE CARES GIL. Ask your nurse to put some coffee in your IV so she doesn’t have to wake you when its time to write your column. The NFL didn’t even have helmets when you were a front office exec. Modernize or shut up.

4. Mark Mosley (ESPN.com)

Yes, he has deformed ears. But does that mean he has to punish us by reporting on every bowel movement Tony “Hall of Famer” Romo has? The Redskins sign Albert Haynesworth, and Mark reports on Jerry Jones’ latest face lift. Hey ESPN – next time hire an immigrant that doesn’t speak English to cover the NFC East, at least their opinions would make more sense.

5. Colin Cowherd – The Herd (ESPN Radio)

This buffoon makes money by shouting his opinions. Want to hear another senseless, thirty minute diatribe about Colin getting on an elevator with Kobe Bryant? No problem! Colin will be screaming over the airwaves non-stop about it until you punch your radio out of anger. Buy a hearing aid and switch to infomercials you cretin.

6. Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic – Mike & Mike in the Morning (ESPN Radio)

Pairing Jim Carrey’s homosexual stunt double with Mike “Sgt. Shultz” Golic was the worst decision since Hitler invaded Russia, and the fallout is just as gruesome. It’s not coincidence that “Greenie” is named after an amphetamine, because the suits at ESPN must have been on drugs when they devised this team. With foppish quips and unfunny antics aplenty, their show ranks, in terms of entertainment, up there with cutting your toenails, treating a hemorrhoid, or mopping the men’s bathroom floor after a Village People concert.

7. Tony Reali – Around the Horn (ESPN)

Having been rejected for the role of “Chachi” in the Broadway Musical version of Happy Days, Tony found a new way to fame by schticking it up on a zany sports-game show.  Modeled as a “much dumber McLaughlin Group”, Reali, as the host, is more disturbing than Marv Albert in a negligee.

8. Jason Cole (Yahoo! Sports)

Criticizing Jason’s physical attributes isn’t fair. So what his teeth look like his dentist is in the Taliban. Jason has been relegated to the eighth spot due to his inept observations on the NFL Draft, not because of the hump on his back, or the two tons of Jello in his kangaroo pouch.

9. Sally Jenkins (Washington Post)

Mr. Jenkins supposedly covers Washington sports, but she always sprinkles in “fascinating” topics (i.e. filling her car with gas) to meet the mandatory word count of her column. Sally hates every team in Washington… until they make the playoffs. If you’re into inane ramblings about what color hats people were wearing at the Preakness, Sally is the writer for you.

10. Chris Mortensen (Every Sports Channel)

“Mort” must have blackmail on someone in the NFL. Why else would this creep still be employed? With an opinion that lasts as long as a fart in a hurricane, Mort offers vague, embellished rumors to sports shows in exchange for permission to sleep in their dumpster. Hey Mort, how did that “imminent” Redskins-Browns Draft Day trade for Mark Sanchez work out?