NASCAR: Teach Me, Please

I’m not a NASCAR fan, but I’m slowwwwwly starting to take notice of the sport. Now, if you really know me, you’re already impressed...nay...flabbergasted that I referred to NASCAR as a sport.

I normally don’t classify anything as a sport unless it includes a ball and defense. Hence, for me, neither golf or hockey are sports. There is no defense in golf, and hockey doesn’t use a ball; although Canadians think a puck is a ball, so I’m starting to waver a bit on hockey being a sport. 

I’m now classifying NASCAR as sport after starting to appreciate what it takes to drive a “death machine” around a track at 150+ MPH with 30-something other “death machines” only about six inches off your front, side, and a...uhh...rear...these drivers have BALLS!

Then after watching Dale, Jr et al set blocks and knock the h-e-double hockey sticks out of each other just to maintain position, I can now say that there is defense in NASCAR.

Since there are no NASCAR races this weekend (See?…NASCAR is also a sport because it has a bye week just like football), I figured I’d take the opportunity to ask serious NASCAR fans some of the questions I’ve always wanted to ask.

I mean it’s not as if you serious NASCAR fans have anything else to do this weekend except maybe watch your collection of Mayberry, RFD and My Name is Earl episodes on videotape...Jusssssst kidding!

So, here are my questions..

-Why do drivers kiss the bricks at Indy? Haven’t they heard of women? Although some of the women I’ve kissed tasted and acted like bricks.

-What do drivers do when they have to use the bathroom during a race? Those fire suits look zipped-up pretty tightly to me.

-Are all NASCAR drivers from the South? Don’t get me wrong..I have nothing against the South (well...that’s not totally true, but...). I grew up in the South...North Carolina. As a kid who didn’t follow NASCAR, I still knew who Richard Petty was...”God, Jr” or something like that.

-How is it that a pit crew can change four tires, fix three fenders, do a tune-up, wash a windshield, and do something sneaky-illegal with a restrictor plate in 15 seconds, but it takes Jiffy Lube an hour and a half to change my oil?

-What do the drivers and their spotter dudes talk about on the radio during the race? Don’t the drivers know where they’re going? I mean it’s not as if you need GPS or a helper with infra-red vision to know you’re on an oval track and you need to keep turning left.

-Why is the Car of Tomorrow called the Car of Tomorrow when they’re driving it today? Shouldn’t it be called the Car of TODAY?

-Lastly…Why isn’t Danica Patrick in NASCAR…with her fine self? I assume it has something to do with the COT not having the kind of power that she likes to feel underneath her…uhhh…NEVVVVVER MIIIND.

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