Terrell Owens In Football Hell: A Love Story

Ok so it has been one day since T.O. signed with the Bills and everyone is already talking about what kind of team the Bills are going to be next season.

Well wonder no more because I have the answer to all of your questions. You see when I get high enough I can see into the future, and what has the future brought???

Let's peer into my crystal balls and see what the Bills have in-store for the 2009 NFL season.

To go forward we must go back, back all the way to March 5, 2009. Terrell Owens is at home doing sit-ups in front of a mirror. When his cell phone rings.

TO - Go for TO! Drew? Whats up man? They what? When? Today? I thought Jerry liked me! AWW Man where are my pills?! I'm going to end it now!

(enter Kim Etheridge TO's publicist)

Kim - No Terrell you got 25 million reasons to live!!!

TO - No I don't Kim, the Cowboys cut me. Its over! GET THE OBITUARY READY! What Drew? Alright I'll wait for your plan, then I'm offing myself!

(The Next day)

Drew Rosenhaus - Alright TO I got the perfect team for you.

TO - Ravens?

Drew - Next team.

TO - Redskins?

Drew Next team.

TO - Raiders?

(15 minutes later)

TO - Dang Drew I have named almost every team in the NFL.

Drew - Not every team.

TO - Who did I miss?

March 7 - Bills introductory press conference

TO - I was on America's team now I'm on North America's team.

Reporter - TO you know Dallas is North America

(TO looks down as if punched in the gut)

Drew - Listen TO is happy to be here. Sure every team I called told me to go make love to myself and some may have compared Terrell to some flesh-eating disease but Buffalo has always been the right fit for a talent such as TO. TO loves the cold and big girls need love too.  Ok no more questions.

(Backstage)

TO - Nice speech DREW! (glares at him angrily) This is going to suuuuuuuuuck.

Flash Forward to training camp. Dick Jauron is addressing the whole team for the first time.

Dick Jauron - Everyone lets welcome Terrell Owens to the Buffalo Bills family. We are sure happy to have you and I'm sure we'll all have a great season.

(Sparse applause)

TO - Thanks. All I have to say is where is HBO?

Jauron - HBO? Oh no we don't have that up here.

TO - What do yall have?

Jauron - TSN

TO - What the hell is that?

Jauron - Canadian sports network.

TO - Oh F*ck!

(Skip to Locker room after practice. TO on his Cell with Drew)

TO - Drew you gotta get me outta here!

Drew - T if you do that now I won't be able to get you on an arena team. Just sit tight and behave once people see that you still got it they'll be begging me to sign you.

TO - Drew they don't have HBO! Some guy in a weird hockey jersey keeps walking around asking me what do I think of the NHL. Drew what the hell is the NHL? Am I playing on a Canadian team???

(Enter Marshawn Lynch)

ML - It ain't to bad.

TO - What?

ML - Buffalo, this place ain't too bad. Marshawn Lynch nice to meet you.

TO - Yeah...what the hell smells like weed?

ML - Oh yeah my bad I was hotboxing in the parking lot. Can't puff during the season so I got in some extra blunts on the drive in.

TO - Well keep that sh*t away from me.

ML - Its cool...Funyan???

TO - No I don't want a Funyan!!! What kind of team is this?!

ML - What's up your butt dude? Funyans are good.

(Then as if time slowed down TO noticed Trent Edwards walking into the locker room and music played in his head.)

TO - Oh man look at the biceps on that one. Who is that?

ML - Oh that's Trent Edwards he is the starting QB. Did you watch any Bills games last season?

TO - Sorry man I didn't have time to watch the CFL. Watch out dude I'm going to go talk to him.

ML - We didn't play in the CFL last year...or did we?

TO approaches Trent Edwards

TO - Hey

Edwards - What's up TO? Good to meet you, I'm Trent Edwards.

TO - Likewise, so you like throwing the deep pass?

Edwards - When needed, yes.

TO - I bet you got a big arm...

Edwards - I've never had any complaints...except from the fans...but I'm sure they only do it because they care.

TO - I bet your balls are tight and firm.

Edwards - You mean my spirals???

(There is a long and uncomfortable look in Edwards' eyes, TO has his hand in his pants and is biting his lip)

Edwards - Oooook, this is awkward. I'm going to watch film...see you...on the field...dude...I mean gay...ERR I mean guy...

TO - You can call me Terrell.

(TO then thinks to himself that maybe he's going to like it here.)

Fast forward through preseason and the first four games of the season. The Bills are 2-2 and the team is in the locker room with the media after a tough loss. Lets go to TO's locker where he is surrounded by reporters.

Reporter - TO you had 15 catches for 188 yards and one TD. Yet the team lost what can you say about the game?

TO - Yes it was a good game for TO but really the question TO asks is what else can TO do to show you TO still got it?

(Later on in the players parking lot)

TO - Hey Trent! Hold on baby! Nice passing out there!

Edwards - Yea but we lost Terrell because you celebrated by putting a picture of Tony Romo's face on the football and pretended it was giving you head!!!

TO - It's Monday Night Football I got to give them a show!

Edwards - Yea but the resulting penalty gave the other team great field position and they drove down the field and beat us.

TO - But I thought you'd like it Trent. I did it for you and that great arm of yours. I love you Trent.

Edwards - I could never love an arrogant, selfish, prima donna like you TO.

TO - Are you the one saying those things to Ed Werder? Are you making secret plays with Lee Evans?

Edwards - You just don't get it...When will you get that flash and glitz don't impress this Midwestern boy...

TO - but your from California.

Edwards - Midwestern California! Its practically the same thing - that's not the point! When you learn TO to be more humble, maybe one day, we'll hook up on that deep post pattern.

Trent gets in his car and drives away. As TO drives home a song comes on the radio...

"Once I rose above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion. I was soaring ever higher...But I flew to high...Carry on my wayward sooooon they'll be peace when you are done..."

(YES TERRELL OWENS LISTENS TO CRAPPY CLASSIC ROCK but back to our story. Once TO heard this song an epiphany)

TO - THAT'S IT! I know what I must do.

Fast Forward another six weeks. This time TO has changed his ways (again) and the team was on a 5 game winning streak and feeling great at 7-2. Once again we are back in the Bills locker room this time a victorious one and the media surround TO again.

Reporter - Wow great game TO. 10 catches 192 yards and 2 TD.

TO - Give all the credit to my teammates. Great blocking by the O-line, and an even better blitz pick-up by Marshawn. That allowed Trent the time to let one rip down the field. Luckily I have some great receivers around me like Lee Evans that take the defenses attention away to allow me to catch that deep pass. Alright guys thanks.

Edwards - Great game TO.

TO - No you had the great game.

Edwards - You know I was wrong about you...We do make a great combination.

TO - Thanks Trent, that means a lot.

Okay, okay lets get away from the story for a minute. Wow looks like things might just work out for TO and the Bills after all. Also I think Trent and TO might bang at the end, I hope my crystal balls censors it I don't wanna see that. Alright lets get back to the story. TO is getting a call, oh its super agent Drew Rosenhaus.

TO - Drew? Whats up man I haven't talked to you since training camp.

Drew - Sorry TO I was down at the University of Miami buying hookers and blow for some of the football players, you know normal everyday things for super agent Drew Rosenhaus. Gotta look out for the next TO.

TO - So whats going on Drew?

Drew - Alright, I have made your wish come true.

(Trent Edwards eavesdrops on the conversation without TO noticing.)

TO - What dream?

Drew - To get you outta that hell hole. The Giants want you and they want you bad!

TO - The Giants?

Drew - Yep. Plaxico shot himself in the balls, he's out indefinitely and the Giants are desperate. You got the no-trade clause say the word and you are outta there!

TO - Wow the Giants! That sounds amazing! "TO does Broadway" I can see it now.

(Trent upset by what he has just heard runs back to tell the rest of the guys.)

TO - I don't know Drew, everyone here likes me. The Canadian media always brings that round bacon...you ever had round bacon Drew?

Drew - Forget the bacon they are ready to offer three years with 10 mil guaranteed!!!

(TO thinks it over but thoughts of the last six weeks have made up his mind.)

Drew - HELLO! Earth to TO! So what's it going to be should I call the Giants?

TO - That's a lot of money Drew, but I'm going to have to pass. I got a good thing here in Buffalo. Glitz and glamour don't make me happy anymore Drew. I learned that being the center of attention doesn't always mean everyone likes you. I've learned that sometimes being accepted is the richest contract in the world.

Drew - Wow that was an incredibly gay speech...Think about it TO, you say no to this and it will be the biggest mistake of your life.

TO - No Drew the biggest mistake of my life was hiring you! Nothing good has happened since I made you my agent. Drew your Fired I'll represent myself from now on!

Drew - You can't fire me do you know who I am....(Hangs up on Drew)

(TO walks into the Bills locker room on Tuesday morning)

TO - Hey Marshawn I called you yesterday to hang...(ignored) Hey Lee (ignored) What's going on? Trent?

Edwards - Don't play innocent with us. We all heard about the trade rumors.

TO - I'm not going I said "No"

Edwards - This time! Remember you signed a one year deal, how many more offers will come your way until you say "yes." Should have known you were going to use us. It was a mistake to trust you.

Everyone walks out of the locker room and leaves TO alone.

TO - But Trent, guys. I have changed! GUUUUUUUYS!!!

Six more weeks have passed and since now the Bills chemistry has eroded, the team stumbles to an 8-7 record. However all is not lost they can still win the last game and sneak into the playoffs. Two days before the last game TO walks into Dick Jauron's office, you know Dick Jauron the head coach of the team.

TO - Coach?

Jauron - Yea TO come on in.

TO - Coach how can I get the guys to like me again?

Jauron - Well TO the guys feel that you are using them to springboard yourself into your next contract.

TO - but I'm not coach I really want to be here and I really like these guys...

Jauron - Well don't tell me. Show them.

TO - I know what I must do!

(Back in the Bills locker room, Trent Edwards is trying to motivate a depressed team)

Edwards - Come on guys I know we've had some tough weeks but if we pull together just one more time we can win this thing.

(Silence and some coughing)

TO - Your right Trent!

(Everyone turns around and see TO ready to play)

TO - We can win this thing and I'm here to help you...

Edwards - Yeah but then your gone after the game.

TO - Your right Trent I will be gone...To the nearest bar to celebrate our win and my new contract! GET YOUR WING SAUCE READY because I'm here to stay!

Edwards - you mean...

TO - Yes Trent, three year deal. Lets go do this thing!!!

Rest of team - YEAH!!!

How does it end? How do all Bills' seasons end?

They got blown out! They finished the season 8-8. Dick Jauron was fired, Trent Edwards was released, Marshawn Lynch got arrested and suspended by Roger Goodell, and TO went back to being Miserable.

THE END!! BILLS SUCK!!!