MLB Job Placement Service

Virtually no industry has been spared from the wrath of this most recent economic stumble. Even those seen as completely insulated from anything resembling the real world have been kicked in the berries just like everyone else.

Take Major League Baseball for example. 

For years if a veteran player had a pulse they also had a job.  Hell, some relievers may have lacked even that and still scored work so long as they threw lefthanded. Isn’t that right, Jesse Orosco?

But as we rapidly approach Opening Day 2009, the free agent market remains littered with unemployed veterans scraping, clawing and praying for injuries to create a roster spot for them even if it means working on the cheap.

No matter what team you root for, no one wants to see established big leaguers standing outside the fence of the spring training complex holding a cardboard sign reading “will work for the veterans minimum.” It pulls at the heart strings. 

Luckily, for some of these out-of-work ballplayers, their time in the MLB has prepared them well for life after baseball. Having cultivated some unique talents throughout their respective careers, our job placement experts are here to offer up some recommendations for those who haven’t scored work on the field yet.###MORE###

Luis Gonzalez
Age: 41
Pos: OF
Special Talent: Somehow managing to go from a scrawny, twig-armed kid who hit 30 home runs one time in his first 11 seasons to a shredded-out, 57-home run hitting Hulk. And doing so during the heart of the steroid era with hardly a peep being said about him. 

Job Recommendation: MLB Players Association special “trainer.”

Moises Alou
Age: 42
Pos: OF
Special Talent: One of the few players in baseball to openly admit to peeing on his own hands - and not just on accident when he’s drunk like the rest of us. Instead it’s done intentionally in order to keep his skin nice and callus-free when gripping a baseball bat. 

Job Recommendation: Avon hand cream salesmen.

Jim Edmonds
Age: 38
Pos: OF
Special Talent: Diving for balls that we weren’t quite sure he had to dive for, frosting his hair and sometimes hitting dramatic homeruns in the playoffs (well at least once).

Job Recommendation: Celebrity pitchman for the company that makes these.

Nomar Garciaparra
Age: 35
Pos: SS
Special Talent: Perfecting a cornucopia of obsessive compulsive rituals to be performed prior to and during an at-bat, making a tangible impact on the agonizing length of an average MLB game.

Job Recommendation: Giving this guy a run for his money as the world’s premier Simon Says Caller.

Paul Lo Duca
Age:36
Pos: C
Special Talent: Alledgedly cheating on his Playmate spouse with a teenager while racking up enormous gambling debts...at least according to the New York Tabloids.

Job Recommendation: Pete Rose’s new bookie.

Pedro Martinez
Age:37
Pos: SP
Special Talent: Befriending Dominican midgets and managing the monumental task of pulling off a jheri curl in the 21st century. 

Job Recommendation: Primary spokesman and model for Jheri Redding hair care products.

Sidney Ponson
Age: 32
Pos: P
Special Talent: Finding a way to continually score new opportunities despite sucking at every single stop along the way.

Job Recommendation: Official nightlife tour guide for the country of Aruba.

Curt Schilling
Age: 42
Pos: SP
Special Talent: Annoying the shit out of everyone

Job Recommendation: A seat right in between Steve Phillips and John Kruk on the set of Baseball Tonight.