Picking a New Profession for Every Boring NBA Commentator

The NBA, and basketball in general for that matter, is an incredibly fast-paced, yet methodical game that it's hard to really find a commentator that's worth much in terms of not over-doing it and not being so boring that it's hard to concentrate on anything but the squeaks of the shoes on the court.

The latter, unfortunately for the following people, is definitely worse than the former. At least with an over-excited commentator there are laughs to be had.

A boring commentator is just that, a guy (or girl) droning on-and-on about this and that with no regard to whether anybody cares about what he's saying.

That's why I've decided to take a look at the worst, most boring commentators and analysts around the NBA and reassign their lives.

We need to make sure that everyone is doing the job that's right for them, so it's time to give everyone who is in the wrong job their correct job.

Magic Johnson: Outlandish Baseball Owner

In case you've not heard due to having lived in a barn over the past few months, Magic Johnson has recently purchased, as a part of a group, the Los Angeles Dodgers.

What Magic Johnson needs to do before the people completely turn on his utterly dull, uninspired and completely useless role with the ESPN crew that bores the bejeezus out of us all season long is turn into the next Bill Veeck.

For those of you who don't know who Bill Veeck is, he's one of the most iconic figures in baseball history, pulling some of the best stunts imaginable to improve the way the fans watch the game.

Among other things, Veeck hired 3'7" Eddie Gaedel to play for his St. Louis Browns. The little man was only allowed one at-bat before the MLB outlawed his use, the man having a strike zone so small that it seemed impossible to pitch to him.

Veeck went on to put together all kinds of promotions, giving away free balls, free pickles, free hot dogs, free lobsters, free ice cream, free pigs, chickens, eels and ducks.

Magic needs to turn himself into one of the most visible, entertaining baseball owners in all of the MLB.

Jon Barry: Basketball Camp with His Brothers

Jon Barry should be thankful that Magic Johnson sits next to him to be more boring than he is, but he's still an uninteresting, dull member of ESPN's NBA Countdown.

What Jon Barry needs to do is collect all of his basketball-playing family members, all of whom got a fraction of the talent that their father had, put them all in the same location and open up the Barry Brothers Basketball Camp.

Once the camp starts to take off, they can start putting together basketball training videos and cheesy commercials to go along with the videos, something that would benefit more people than forcing them to see Barry go on and on about nothing every time ESPN hosts a basketball game.

Shaquille O'Neal: Reality Show

Shaq is in the wrong situation for people to enjoy him on television. When Shaq is funny, it's spontaneous, unscripted and, above all, awkward. However, with him a part of Inside the NBA, he's got very few of those moments.

What we need is to get Shaq a reality show, either one where he just lives his day-to-day life as a giant doctor-policeman former basketball player, or one where they send him here and there to do this and that.

Giving Shaq a reality show not only gets the big mumbling, uninteresting man off our beloved Inside the NBA, it also puts him in a situation where he'll potentially thrive and have people reevaluate their opinions of him as a television personality.

Doris Burke: Craig Sager's Outfit Wrangler

Doris Burke is a maddeningly uninteresting commentator when she's on the microphone. In fact, the only time when she's remotely bearable is when she's the sideline reporter at games, which sucks because even the best sideline reporter is a useless part of a live sports broadcast.

So, in order to keep her somewhat involved in basketball, I'm making her the personal assistant to Craig Sager, who is a noticeably better (yet still useless) sideline reporter.

Her only job with Sager is going to be to keep notes on his outfits, make sure he doesn't wear the same color combinations too close to each other and, overall, make sure each outfit is more outlandish than the last.

Dave Pasch: Stick to His Day Job...Announcing Football

This photo is a worst nightmare of sorts. What we've got here is Dave Pasch, a boring, sometimes used play-by-play man for the NBA on ESPN working alongside Jon Barry, a color commentator with nothing to add and no insight to give.

Dave Pasch has been an interesting decision at times for the NBA game. What makes him a good football announcer, the somber tone, the drawn-out pauses to let the game take over rather than his words, is also what makes him a terrible basketball announcer. There's a certain rhythm that comes with commentating basketball that he just doesn't have.

So, all Pasch really needs to do is stick to his job commentating for the Arizona Cardinals and then doing college and Arena Football, the NFL and the Little League World Series, places where his pace is more fitting. 

Matt Devlin: Branch Manager of a Paper Company

I hate to discredit Matt Devlin, because he seems like one of the nicest guys a person could ever encounter, but Devlin is awful as an NBA commentator.

If you're not the over-excited, constantly wound-up type then it's best to be somber and let the game flow through your lips and to the viewer. Don't try to do too much, but don't try to leave too much silence.

Devlin's problem is that he is too slow and methodical for the majority of the game, but then he tries to work himself up for the excitement in the final minutes of a game, leading to situations like this, when he had no idea that the game was over.

Aside from that, Devlin seems to have awkward in infinite supply. Devlin's well-meaning awkwardness always seem to throw off a Michael Scott vibe, making me think that he'd be a perfect manager for a company in paper sales.