NFL's Top 10 Disposable Broadcast "Talents"

Earlier this week, SportsIllustrated.com released two lists of the "NFL's Most Indispensable Broadcasting Talents," and while I didn't have a problem with the names that populated the top 10s of Richard Deitsch or James Andrew Miller, I do take umbrage with the creation of such a list.

Yes, we can all agree that Al Michaels is the gold standard in pro football play-by-play. We're not going to disagree on that. And even if we did, how little energy would you expend on delivering that counterpoint? That's what I thought.

So I took it upon myself to make the list that Deitsch and Miller should have made: The NFL's top 10 Most Dispensable Broadcasting "Talents." That's what we need to parse out. How is it that broadcasting NFL games is a dream job for most of us and yet so many people are terrible at it? Perhaps we'll make some headway in that discussion with this offering.

Now, here are the ground rules. We (that is, me, and then you) are evaluating game-day broadcasters of NFL games from the 2011 regular season. Play-by-play people, color commentators and pre- and post-game show hosts and panelists are in play.

We are not including sports studio personalities that discuss football and everything else (you're off the hook, Skip Bayless). And we're not wasting any time with sideline reporters, because they're obviously worthless (right, Tony Siragusa?). So keep these criteria in mind when you gripe about who I missed in the comments.

With the regular season finished, most of these guys are already on vacation, and one of them already got another job for 2012, which really was a sound career move by this standard. And there's one really big name that most of you hate that didn't make this list, so I look forward to defending that omission whenever you're done. And remember, you can use the left- and right-arrow buttons to flip through this bad boy.

Let's get to it.  

No. 10: Matt Millen, ESPN

I keep hearing that Matt Millen is "good on TV," and it's true that he has legitimate skill when it comes to talking into the camera. But every time I see this guy, all I can think to myself is "You ran the Detroit Lions into the ground!"

Most of us forget that Millen had a rather decorated career as a player, winning three Super Bowls in his 12-year career. Millen went into the broadcast booth in 1992, despite the fact that he was still healthy enough to continue playing at linebacker.

Millen took the general manager's job in Detroit in 2001 and spent most of his time there drafting wide receivers and watch the Lions fanbase call for his job, and for good reason. Prior to Millen's arrival, Detroit had qualified for the playoffs in six of their previous ten seasons. In Millen's eight years in the Motor City, the team's best mark was 7-9 in 2007, which was followed by that dubious 0-16 season in 2008. Millen got the ax before that season even ended.

This was a long-winded way of saying that while he doesn't outright suck on camera, his credibility as someone that knows anything about football is too far shot to Hell for me to care. 

No. 9: Jim Mora, Jr. FOX Sports

Mora and Ron Pitts easily—EASILY—made up the worst NFL broadcast pairing in 2011. While it didn't help they usually worked the worst games of the week, they were bland and uninformative. Pitts used to work with John Lynch and Dick Stockton, but those two formed their own two-man team, and Pitts was stuck with Mora.

Jim Mora, Jr. sometimes goes by J.L. Mora or, as I like to call him, "Skippy" Mora. I don't really call him that...as far as you know.

Anyway, Mora isn't exactly known for awareness of his speech; he made a remark in 2006 that he would leave his job as head coach of the Atlanta Falcons if the same job ever opened up at the University of Washington.  "I don't care if we're in the middle of a playoff run," Mora said in an interview with a Seattle radio station. "I'm packing my stuff and coming back to Seattle." The Falcons fired Mora at the end of the season.

It's not fair to ding a guy's broadcasting acumen by citing some one-off remark he made five years ago. Trust me, I'm not. He was just that bad. So bad, in fact, that UCLA hired him to coach their football team this season. Hey, their loss is our gain. 

No. 8: Dan Marino And/or Boomer Esiason, CBS

My biggest gripe with the network pregame shows is that they try to make it look like the Knights of the Round Table and include 500 people into a 44-minute show. I get the logic behind that—I might stick with your show if you have at least one guy that I like—but some of those spots are just redundant.

For example, why does CBS have two white quarterbacks on their pregame show? Moreover, two quarterbacks that played in virtually the same era? What does the network gain by putting up a righty and a lefty? Could we not get a defensive player in there someplace?

I suppose I could have swapped in Keyshawn Johnson and Cris Carter here, but at least those guys offer some contrast, with Key as the me-first type and Carter as the consummate pro. They are at least interesting, if not horribly under-informed. Watching Boomer and Marino is like sitting through a corporate staff meeting.  

No. 7: Dan Fouts And/or Phil Simms, CBS

Unless you're Andy Reid, you've probably figured out how clock management works in the NFL, and you don't need to be incessantly reminded that incomplete passes and runners out of bounds stop the clock in the last two minutes of every half. Some commentators haven't figured that out yet, and Dan Fouts and Phil Simms are the biggest offenders of that.

Fouts and Simms are both old-school quarterbacks, having played during the 1980s for the Chargers and Giants, respectively. So I can appreciate how clock management appears as this shiny new piece of science to them. Most quarterbacks run through those scenarios in their heads naturally, I'm sure. But it's on them to tailor that vocalized thought process to the situation, and more specifically, a smarter, savvier audience.

I wanted to give this spot to Simms by himself; he's arguably the worst offender and he's on his network's "A" crew, but Fouts comes off as really dated and he just bugs me. I can see how many timeouts each team has left, Dan! That's a personal preference. 

No. 6: Jon Gruden, ESPN

Gruden (right), seriously, was not on the first draft of this list. And that would have been a tragedy. 

The former Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach is the worst broadcaster in the worst booth in the NFL. And it's entirely his fault. I have my gripes with Mike Tirico (the speak-singing, the incessant helmet-to-helmet diatribes), but Gruden almost single-handedly makes "Monday Night Football" unwatchable. He is bombastic, uninformative and glib. He's like your racist uncle with bangs.

I have him in the six-hole because it's clear that ESPN wants to do nothing but annoy us, so by that measure, he's technically doing his job. Bristol would rather us react negatively to their on-air talent than have no reaction at all. It's the only plausible reason why Gruden would be hired, and then given a raise.

It's a shame because Ron Jaworski in a two-man booth could be something special, cerebral and different, and we'll never get to enjoy that because of that damn Gruden trying to upsell Blaine Gabbert at every conceivable turn.  

No. 5: Michael Irvin, NFL Network

I have a theory about Michael Irvin (second from left). I don't think he realizes that he's on television, but rather he thinks he's in a wide-open sports bar that doesn't serve drinks.

That explains a lot, doesn't it?

No. 4: Mike Pereira, FOX

It's tough to rank Pereira at No. 4 because he really does fill a void. Unfortunately, that void has more to do with two things: the NFL's forever-expanding rulebook and the commentators' almost-brazen unwillingness to keep up with those year-to-year changes. The idea of having an on-call C.P.A.-style authority like Pereira isn't a bad one, but the execution of said idea needs improvement.

Let it be known that I love Pereira on Twitter; he's great in that social media space. But the way that FOX shoehorns him into their coverage whenever the referee goes under the hood is incredibly awkward. That's not his fault (or their fault, really), but it still feels like an anti-drug PSA. "The receiver had the knee down inbounds, and remember kids, when you say no to meth, you too are making the right call."

I just made that up. 

No. 3: Bob Costas, NBC

Bob Costas on "Sunday Night Football" reminds me of Dick Clark at New Year's Eve: the only great thing about him being there is him being there. Costas doesn't add anything to the festivities, and I realize that at least in the pregame segments, that's not necessarily his job. But man, those halftime monologues.

If NBC does one thing to improve their already-very-good NFL telecast (which they won't), it should focus on what they do at the half. Nobody saw a controversial play on Sunday afternoon and thought to herself, "I wonder what that baseball guy would think about this." The network surely could develop something more engaging for their halftime void than Costas' throwaway diatribes.  

No. 2: Frank Caliendo, FOX

If you've been skipping FOX's pregame show, or have somehow missed his segments through your own personal pregame din, I'm not going to ruin it for you.

Or maybe I will. 

No. 1: Chris Berman, ESPN

Finally, we reach the crown jewel of worthlessness, and it's a combed-over crown at that. Was I the only one laughing hysterically in 2010, when Berman tried to float the idea that he was going to NFL Network? Hasn't ESPN has been trying to get rid of Berman for years? And if so, why don't they just send him onto "Fox & Friends"?

Put the Berman schtick aside and consider just one aspect of Berman's job. When "Monday Night Football" goes to halftime and revisits the Bristol studios, what do we get? Berman...doing highlights from yesterday's games! The same highlights that we watched on Sunday before the Sunday night game. The same highlights that we watched on Monday morning's SportsCenter. The same highlights we watched before Monday night's game. Why are we watching them again?!

It doesn't get any more disposable than that.