NFL Playoffs: A Drinking Game

New Years Eve is amateur night.

Frown at the fools, save yourself, and hit it hard for Wild-Card Weekend.

And what better to go with the silly banter of the NFL talking heads and their overhyped boring babble then a drinking game to enjoy the game?

Grab a cup and step up.

First, the non-game stories that will be beaten to death.

Drink at each multiple mention of the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, Wade Phillips, Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, or Tony Romo screaming on a shower stretcher.

Drink at every solemn mention of Brett Favre's future.

Drink doubles if Deanna Favre appears on air and says she, too, is sick of Brett's constant waffling and whining.

Drink at any mention of Gisele and Tom Brady's engagement. Drink a shot if it is announced Gisele has run off with Matt Cassel.

Drink at any Cowher considered for coaching stories.

Drink at the sight of Al Davis' ghastly, ghostly head or Jerry Jones' plastic one.

Drink every time Shannon Sharpe's giant head loudly bursts out in babble over another television talking head and tries to make some semi-coherent point that no one really understands, then laughs manically at his own answer anyway.

Drink every time the ESPN guys laugh overly loud and overly long and some stupid joke they just made.

Drink any time the 0-16 Lion losing streak is mentioned. Drink doubles if Roger Goodell says the Ford's promotion of certain front office men would have been like the White Star line firing the Titantic's Captain but giving the Navigator and Iceberg Watchman pay raises and promotions.

Drink at any mention of Jet PSL's sales.

Drink at every third mention of the Tuna's future.

Drink at any Terrell Owens press conferences and any statements from Terrell Owens read on air.

Drink if Ditka still looks drunk from New Years Eve.

Atlanta Falcons at Arizona Cardinals

Announcers: Tom Hammond, Cris Collinsworth, and Tiki "Babbling" Barber who pounds programmed talking points to death like Brandon Jacobs pounds linebackers.

Drink at every shot of a screaming or solemn Brenda Warner.

Drink doubles if the score is Falcons 48, Cards 12 and Mrs. Warner is seen chugging draft beer and celebrating with a drunken Mexican mariachi band in the south end zone.

Drink at every mention of Kurt Warner and the Hall of Fame.

Drink every time Kurt Warner suggests, verbally or physically, that God has taken the day off from famine, war, murder, sickness, and death to sit and guide his favorite son's screen passes.

Drink every time the announcers mention how wonderful it is that the lovable, cuddly, oh-so-sweet, and oh-so-wonderful Bidwell family finally has made the playoffs for the first time since Harry Truman was president.

Drink at every multiple Mike Vick mention.

Drink every time Tiki drones a tired, talking point on and on over a key play.

Drink doubles if Collinsworth says Michael Turner pulled an Ike Turner this week but he will still play today.

Indianapolis Colts at San Diego Chargers

Al Michaels, John Madden, and Andrea Kramer.

Drink at every Madden mention of Brett Favre.

Drink doubles if Madden swoons over Favre's future.

Drink at any anxiety-ridden Archie Manning closeup.

Drink at every shot of Norv Turner when he has the same facial expression the doomed character in a 1950's science fiction film had. The painful but puzzled look of a sad man about to eaten by a mutated, mad monster and all the doomed man can do is scream in shock and horror. This is Norv's crunch-time playoff face.

Drink at any sappy stories of Eli and Peyton.

Drink doubles if Cooper Manning slurs, "I can't stand my brothers."

Drink at multiple mentions of the "is Tomlinson shot" storyline.

Drink every time Andrea interrupts the actions with an inane babble about a useless point.

Drink at the mention of Phil Rivers and the Pro Bowl.

Drink at the mention of Tony Dungy retiring.

Drink if Peyton Manning whines at his offensive line.

Baltimore Ravens at Miami Dolphins

Jim Nantz and Phil Simms

Drink at every mention of the Tuna's future. Drink something, absinthe preferred, at every mention of Tuna being a Jet.

Drink doubles if Phil Simms says, "Wow, Brian Billick must have been the big problem with this offense since it improved so much since the self-proclaimed QB guru was canned."

Drink at every Ray Lewis "look at me" dance. Drink doubles if he does it after tackling the running back after he gained seven yards.

Drink at every "Dolphins for sale because the billionaire owner needs a tax break" story.

Drink at any Don Shula sighting in which he mentions the 1972 Dolphins.

Drink at every pointless Bill Belichick and Eric Mangini mention.

Philadelphia Eagles at Minnesota Vikings.

Joe Buck, Troy Aikman, Pam Oliver.

Drink if Tarvaris Jackson is listening to his iPod in the huddle when the Vikings fall behind 14-0.

Drink at any mention of Gus Frerrotte being gutsy.

Drink at every overdone "is Donovan done in Philly" ramble.

Drink if Andy Reid freezes during a key late game review and gets that "manatee in the boat lights" look.

Drink every time Pam Oliver interrupts the action with a pointless subplot.

Drink at every Jared Allen cowboy story.

Drink at every Williams steroid story.

Drink doubles if Andy Reid comes out on roller skates like Ditka once did in the MetroDome.

Drink at every "Donovan McNabb's troubled time in Philly" tale.

Drink if Jessica Simpson is at the game and smiling sweetly in a McNabb jersey.