Building the Dream Team of Baseball Movie Characters

During the dreary days of late fall and early winter, baseball fans across the world are wondering one thing: When do pitchers and catchers report?

The winter is indeed long for the die-hard baseball fan, and for many of us out there who miss the excitement of watching multiple games every night between March and October, the dog days of August are nothing compared to the doldrums of December.

So, instead of watching old replays of the prior season’s games on MLB Network, many of us will be sifting through our collection of DVDs, looking for the prized cache of baseball movies stuffed away in the cabinet below the wide-screen TV.

Baseball movies through the years have sported a collection of fine athletes in their own right, however mythical they may be. From the catcher who pined for his entire career for just one shot at the big leagues (Crash Davis), to the pitcher who was blessed with a gift that no pitcher before him had ever been so endowed (Steve Nebraska).

In honor of these legendary performers on the baseball fields of the silver screen, we at Bleacher Report have put together our own All-Star lineup of fictional baseball characters. While they have absolutely no value whatsoever in our fantasy leagues, they certainly have fantasy value in our hearts and minds.

First Baseman: Jack Elliot, Mr. Baseball

He may have been a bit older when he was dumped off…er, traded, by the New York Yankees to the Nagoya Chunichi Dragons of Japan's Nippon Professional Baseball league, but first baseman Jack Elliot took the league by storm.

Sure, he had a bit of a bumpy ride getting there, but he did lead the Dragons to the Central League. Plus, it didn’t hurt that he landed the manager’s daughter, either.

Backup First Baseman: Clu Haywood, Major League

The mustache-wielding angry first baseman of the New York Yankees, Clu Haywood, could hit.

If only he never had to hit against Ricky Vaughn.

Second Baseman: Marla Hooch, A League of Their Own

Second baseman Marla Hooch wasn’t so much known for her fielding prowess—more for the fact that she hit the snot out of a baseball.

Hooch and her prodigious slugging helped lead the Rockford Peaches to the AAGPBL finals before losing in seven games to the Racine Belles.

Shortstop: Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez

The young man who honed his skills on the sandlots in the outskirts of Los Angeles would later go on to star for the local team, the Dodgers. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez became a star by smashing balls into neighbors’ back yards and learning about the game from a former Negro League star.

Benny was the star of the local sandlot, and soon a star on the major league diamond.

Third Baseman: Roger Dorn, Major League

Yes, he’s a major prima donna, and yes, he wasn’t the greatest of team players, but third baseman Roger Dorn could hit and field his position very well.

Plus, he had a REALLY hot wife.

Left Fielder: Kelly Leak, The Bad News Bears

The Harley-riding, cigarette-smoking loan shark was just 12 years old when he was discovered by manager Morris Buttermaker, however, soon Kelly Leak quickly proved he was the best athlete on the team, and one of the stars of the Southern California Little League.

Leak’s crush on his pitcher, Amanda Whurlitzer, probably helped spur him on to greatness as well.

Backup Left Fielder: Billy “Downtown” Anderson, Major League: Back to the Minors

The South Carolina Buzz is where Billy “Downtown” Anderson honed his skills, with manager Gus Cantrell teaching Billy to become a more complete hitter.

Center Fielder: Willie Mays Hayes, Major League

After crashing spring training for the Cleveland Indians, center fielder Willie Mays Hayes reveals his biggest threat—his speed. Now, all Indians manager Lou Brown has to is get Hayes to stop hitting nothing but pop-ups. He eventually succeeds, leading to a nice American Express commercial.

Of course, Hayes' showboating style in center didn't play well for manager Brown, either.

Backup Center Fielder: Isuro "Kamikaze" Tanaka, Major League II

Well, Isuro Tanaka is more of a natural left fielder, but anyone who runs into walls and sacrifices life and limb deserves a spot on this list.

Right Fielder: Roy Hobbs, The Natural

Is there really any doubt that New York Knights slugger Roy Hobbs wouldn’t be on this list? The former pitcher turned right fielder was indeed a natural, knocking covers off balls, wooing the women and creating an explosion of lights with just one swing.

Hobbs is the only player who actually could have made this list in multiple positions.

Backup Right Fielder: Pedro Cerrano, Major League

The voodoo-loving hitter, who never met a curveball that he liked, deserves a spot on this list as well, even if he was often found in right field practicing his famous swing.

Designated Hitter: Jack Parkman, Major League II

Yes, Jack Parkman was actually a catcher, but for the purposes of this list, plus the fact that there were some pretty good other catchers, Parkman has parked himself here as the designated hitter.

Parkman was one of the biggest villains in baseball movie history, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that the man could hit the stuffing out of the ball.

Catcher: Crash Davis, Bull Durham

A man who broke the minor league record for most career home runs certainly deserves a spot on this list, as well as for his mentoring of the great Nuke LaLoosh.

Crash Davis turned into one of the best hitters the minors ever saw, and once lived "the 21 greatest days of my life,” appearing in the major leagues as well.

Backup Catcher: Dottie Hinson, A League of Their Own

Any catcher who can catch a foul ball while doing a split and who looks great in a skirt clearly deserves a spot on this list.

Starting Pitcher: Ebby “Nuke” LaLoosh, Bull Durham

While Ebby “Nuke” LaLoosh was honing his fine pitching skills with the Durham Bulls, he was also being educated about life, by both his catcher, Crash Davis, and his girlfriend, Annie Savoy.

Okay, so bondage has nothing to do with life education, but LaLoosh got what he needed out of that relationship.

Starting Pitcher: Billy Chapel, For Love Of The Game

Any pitcher that throws a perfect game at the end of a 19-year career deserves to be on this list. Plus, Billy Chapel had a REALLY hot girlfriend.

Not only that, when you finish your career with that type of performance, how can you not be on this list?

Starting Pitcher: Steve Nebraska, The Scout

We mentioned earlier that baseball movie great Roy Hobbs was the only player who could have made this list twice in multiple positions, but technically, starting pitcher Steve Nebraska could have as well.

Throwing the ultimate perfect game against the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 1 of the World Series by striking out all 27 hitters faced on just 81 pitches, Nebraska also hit two solo home runs to provide the New York Yankees with all the runs they would need in leading them to a 2-0 victory.

Setup Man: Henry Rowengartner, Rookie of the Year

Young 13-year-old Henry Rowengartner probably could have made this list as a starter, but we decided to preserve his arm by adding him as the ultimate setup man for this All-Star team.

What All-Star team wouldn’t be complete without a setup man that can throw a ball 100+ MPH with every pitch?

Closer: Ricky Vaughn, Major League

Cleveland Indians closer Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn is absolutely the clear choice as closer. Just the strut from the bullpen to the The Troggs’ classic song, Wild Thing, alone was classic to watch.

We give Vaughn props for the first of the Major League movies, not so much for the sequel.

Manager: Lou Brown, Major League

A 30-year veteran of the minors, manager Lou Brown finally gets his shot at managing in the big leagues, leading a helter-skelter cast of characters when invited to manage the Cleveland Indians.

Brown, after struggling to find his team’s character, eventually gets the most out of his players, leading them over the New York Yankees to win the division title.

Coach: Morris Buttermaker, The Bad News Bears

Yes, he accepted money to coach a Little League team, and yes, he had ulterior motives for much of his tenure, but eventually, manager Morris Buttermaker proved to the world that he was a solid coach, and eventually put the needs of his team above all else.

Coach: Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own

Sorry, but he had me at “there’s no crying in baseball!”

Doug Mead is a featured columnist with Bleacher Report. His work has been featured on the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, SF Gate, CBS Sports, the Los Angeles Times and the Houston Chronicle. Follow Doug on Twitter, @Sports_A_Holic.