100 Predictions for 2009

Before Friday night's gigantic tilt against the Philadelphia Flyers, I wanted to make some bold predictions for 2009:

1. Barry Rozner inherits Bob Friske's roll at the Daily Herald and writes 30 columns a year entailing different aspects of high school sports.
2. 'Bear Weather' kills 732 Chicagoans.
3. Ron Santo's playing ability during the 1960's will increase to an all-time high. Even though it's not the 1960's...and the people that will be increasing his ability will be 20 year old kids in the bleachers.
4. Jim Rice will make the Hall of Fame and Andre Dawson won't. You know, because Jim Rice was a better baserunner and defender than Dawson was. Wait, what?
5. Drunk Chicago Blackhawks fan yells, 'Detroit Sucks!' at Chicago/St. Louis game.
6. Repeat #5 against every other team that visits the United Center in 2009.
7. Dan McNeil will continue to rail against the greatest kicker in Chicago Bears history, Robbie Gould.
8. Dan McNeil gambles and drinks his way into 'being a man'.
9. Steve Cochrane eats his microphone/listening audience.
10. Mike Murphy touches more young men. (See previous year's predictions)
11. Rod Blagojevich is still our governor, and Emil Jones is still a twatbag.
12. Rob Vallas!
13. Phil Cavaretta moves inside totem poles outside of Lane Tech High School.
14. Brent Sopel goes for walk in forest preserve, creeps out everybody that passes him.
15. Sergei Samsonov does winding puck maneuver; loses puck.
16. Mike Patrick gets larger, greener, more leprechaunish.
17. Another Heisman Trophy is awarded to a player not ready for the NFL.
18. Montreal Canadiens fans reach full 'guy' level. By playoffs, it is full bore 'ghey' level.
19. George W. Bush re-buys Texas Rangers; wonders what happened to that 'Oddibe McDowell' guy.
20. War to the east, winds out of the southwest at 20-25 miles per hour.
21. Milton Bradley sets up 'filming stage' underneath left field bleacher in Wrigley Field to show just how easy a moon landing can be filmed.
22. St. Louis Cardinal pitcher is killed by a drunk driver.
23. The drunk driver is Tony La Russa.
24. Evansville mascot Ace Purple is 'caned' to death outside the Casino Astar.
25. Aaron Gray pivots, pivots away, fades away, fumbles ball.
26. Former Chicago Bear defenders continue their expert analysis...on quarterbacking.
27. Dallas Cowboys lose big game on national TV.
28. Nora Roberts book left on top of my Blackhawks media guide in my bathroom.
29. Chuck Goudie, Cook County Commissioner David Orr, square off.
30. Chicago White Sox fan miscalculates inning by inning posting of scores at Wrigley Field.
31. Barry Rozner writes column about Latino Cubs player he can't stand.
32. Lou Piniella says Cubs weren't ready for April.
33. Ghost of Walter Payton blocks kicks, moves Kevin Payne off roster.
34. Death of Gary Woods receives half page obituary in Chicago Tribune.
35. Charlie Weis eats his own arrogance, dies.
36. Michael Strahan thought gets caught between gap in teeth.
37. John Feinstein's new book 'No Saturday in Meadowlandville' explores the NFL's disconnection of the Saturday afternoon regular season game that used to occur in Weeks 14 and 15 with games usually taking place at the Meadowlands.
38. John Feinstein runs out of ideas for books.
39. John Daly's alcoholic behavior still kind of cute until June 16th.
40. John Daly dies of alcohol poisoning June 16th.
41. Congressional panel concludes White Sox fans didn't exist from 1995-1999.
42. Another Cubs Blog prints graph showing something regarding inconclusive debate.
43. Chris Berman rumbles, stumbles, bumbles into sexual harassment suit.
44. Jesus comes back. And this time he means BUSINESS.
45. Barack Obama commemorative plate sold on e-bay for .99.
46. Chicago Cubs play record-setting game during Summer Classic at United Center.
47. Bears finally include a package for Kevin Jones. Unfortunately, the package has a pink slip inside.
48. Overthrown ball by Kyle Orton makes Bear fans wonder when they'll ever get a receiver who can catch a ball thrown 40 feet over their head.
49. More rock, less talk.
50. Free breadsticks still available.
51. Drunk fight in bleachers between choads spills over into group of baseball watching choads.
52. Ernie Banks says the 'Cubs will shine in 2009.' See, I got one.
53. Jim Leo and Pat DeMarco take 30 minutes to walk from hotel to Savvis Center.
54. Vase thrown at me by pregnant wife.
55. More INXS songs hid on ipod.
56. Ben Gordon dribbles 40 feet, stops, shoots, misses.
57. It definitely becomes Maybelline.
58. Bill Carmody mistaken for bank manager at Evanston Bank and Trust.
59. WNBA and Arena Football combine forces to reduce economic risk factors due to recession. The Chicago Sky insist Rush players they have nothing to worry about when it comes to sharing a locker room.
60. Poor Inuit hunter finds Felix Pie's lost talent; sells it for whale fat.
61. Pakistan beats India in cricket. Again. I mean, really. Seriously? Again?!
62. Martin Havlat realizes he's at NHL game, picks up speed.
63. Hawk Harrelson blames umpire for getting in way of White Sox fan's tackling attempt at visiting team coach.
64. St. Louis coach Rick Majerus stops under Arch, asks for #1-#9 with a Shamrock Shake.
65. NHL Network commentator stumbles on sentence; almost shows emotion.
66. Ryan Theriot hits .223.
67. Man on corner asks another guy, 'hey, you remember the '85 Bears?'
68. Area Cub fan concludes Ryne Sandberg would be a great manager, goes back to eating Meatball sandwich.
69. Bobby Hull's shakes get so bad, normal combination to wife's head misses wildly.
70. Chris Chelios gets booed for wanting to play for a real franchise 10 years ago.
71. Large, abnormally tall man is forced to wear #71 for the Bears.
72. Bill Simmons article on NBA trade deadline read by 17 people.
73. Kaplan finally realizes the reason he likes college basketball more than the pro game is because he is white.
74. Buddy Ryan blitzes into nursery home.
75. White Sox fan incorrectly uses term 'great' to describe Ivan Calderon.
76. Smaller white player has jerseys sold at Wrigley Field kiosk.
77. People finally realize Greenday ruined music.
78. Barry Rozner writes article on John Anderson's success in Atlanta.
79. The Wrestler is widely viewed as the greatest movie ever.
80. NFL so great, not a single team could beat any of the top 50 teams of all-time.
81. Kobe so good, Celtics beat him again.
82. Andrew Ladd gives 100% effort while cleaning laundry.
83. Network says Bowl/playoff debate should have playoff to decide who will debate on bowl/playoff issue.
84. Wendy Nix steadily gets hotter.
85. Ed Werder would like a day off. Any day now.
86. Bears fan adds Bernard Berrian to current Bears roster to see if Super Bowl would've occurred with him on whatifsports.com
87. Hand off to fullback gets one yard.
88. Martyr blows up middle east cafe, loud chanting at funeral, rocks thrown at police.
89. Obama to blame for current economic crisis.
90. First cigarette craving occurs after Alfonso Soriano's first three pitch strikeout of the season.
91. Person surrounds himself with like-minded people in community environment to make himself feel better about current beliefs.
92. Investigative report on potholes by Eyewitness News Team.
93. Two great days of NCAA Tournament basketball.
94. Pensive feelings toward upcoming baseball season end when first viewing of 'Boys of Zimmer' ends.
95. Nancy Grance gets condescending with interviewee.
96. Allison Rosatti fumbles through script with smile.
97. Cubs go 84-78
98. Hawks lose in second round of playoffs to San Jose
99. Mollie gives birth to something
100. I get puked on for the first time in an endearing manner.

That's all folks.

What's yours?