NFL Week 13 Guide to Watching Football on TV

After a week-long absence, the “NFL Viewing Guide” is back to its relative anonymity. When ones of people clamor for your return, you know you need to come back as soon as possible.

So without further ado, here is the list so many of you enjoy.

Where Is Phil Simms?

Steelers fans like myself will be forced to listen to him at 1 PM when the Steelers welcome the Bengals. I guess I deserve this after weeks of poking fun at Simms's expense, whether on the Internet or in casual conversation.

Look forward to an afternoon of Andy Dalton fawning, because I know I certainly am.

What Should I Be Eating?

I’d suggest guacamole in any form. Whether it is eaten with chips or just straight-up, it is the most enjoyable experience your pallet can ever undergo.

I went to Chipotle recently, got their over-priced guacamole and left it in my backpack for a day. I opened it, and it turned dark green and caused me to cry.

It might have been the smell, but I was definitely shaken.

Where Is Gus Johnson? Is He Here?

Sigh. He’s not. Has anyone had a bigger fall from grace this year than Johnson? He went from being at the center of every exciting NFL game last year to doing college games on basic cable.

How is this even possible? Also, let’s start #freegusjohnson on Twitter, you guys.

If I Have to Miss the 1 PM or 4 PM Slate, Which Should It Be?

Definitely the 4 PM half, because every game has the chance to be a lopsided disaster.

Which always equals fun!

Where Is Dan Dierdorf?

He'll be doing the Raiders-Dolphins game, a game he probably deserved to do all along.

Look for Dierdorf to mention the Raiders’ high personal foul rate often and wax poetic about things that may or may not have happened.

Just as he does every week.

Which Twitter Feeds Should I Be Following?

May I suggest Shakey, David Roth, BR NFL, Michael Silver, Jack Dickey and Mark Lisanti?

Also, how about a follow for the new sports writing entity, The Classical?

When Are the Optimal Bathroom Times?

2:12 AM and 12:43 PM.

Is the Monday Night Game Horrible?

Well, duh! It’s the Chargers-Jaguars, a game that will be just as awful as it sounds.

Somehow, this is the Jaguars' second appearance on MNF, and I know we all remember the brilliance that was the 12-7 Week 7 matchup versus the Ravens.

Also, look for Philip Rivers’s decision-making to cause Gruden and Jaworski’s heads to explode at any given time.

Seriously, this game is going to be horrible. Can’t we get a flex?

Where Is Joe Buck?

He’s doing the Packers-Giants game and will likely be the only person who’s not interested in Aaron Rodgers’s magical quarterbacking skills.

He also seems permanently annoyed at Eli Manning, although that may just be his personality.

Which Is the Game of the Week?

Colts-Patriots! Sorry, instinct. It is the Bengals-Steelers, an important game with playoff implications.

It’ll be undermined by Dierdorfian tangents, as was previously noted.

If you have any viewing questions for next week, leave them in the comments or email me [e-mail]. Hell, hit me up on Twitter even: @BrendanOHarePR